...yea
so, again...i hate that i haven't updated or even seen this in forever,
but oh well i guess. i just wanted to post this because i feel that it
needs to be out there
September 30, 2005
I came home today from school. Just needed to get away/go home. Kiersten needed to see me, and I know that mom loves it when I visit too. While Kiersten and I were at Wades picking up a few things for dinner, we picked up a few movies too. She got some Rugrat's movie and I grabbed A Love Song for Bobby Long. It stars John Travolta and Scarlet Johansen, and I think I heard or read somewhere that it was pretty good. It's not that I can truly relate to Scarlet's character - high school drop-out, smoker, living in a trailer with her boyfriend, eatting M&M's and peanut butter, and her mother dies so she goes to New Orleans. None of that remotely resmbles my life growing up or now. She, however, never knew her father (which turns out to be an old, drunken ex-college English professor whom she is actually sharing her mother's house with). She makes up memories about her childhood with her singer mother and wishes to know more - but doesn't want to or seem to know how to dive into hers or her mothers past by looking at her belongings. I feel this way about my father. When Scarlet finally looks at her mother's things, she finds that Bobby is her father. By this time, he and Lawson (friend and old TA of Bobby's) have pushed her back into highschool (her senior year). Bobby finally gets to love and be loved by one of his children. And Scarlet finally gets some of the answers that she wanted. At the end, you see her putting Lawson's newly finished book down (A Love Song for Bobby Long) inbetween Bobby's andher mothers graves. I feel that if I don't learn about my father, his childhood, and let him into my life completely - if I don't do this soon enough, than I will loose him and never be able to do so. I also feel that as her mother died and she missed out on a lot of her life and she wasn't able to learn about her mother, that this is Nanny. She died when I was 10. So, I only had 10 years with her, and atleast half of which I don't remember because I was too young. I remember her as my best friend. She loved me and spoiled me rotten. I am reminded of her by so many things - and I always think that she wasn't there for my graduation, she won't be there for my wedding, she won't be there to see my children. And I learn so many years later that my best friend was a alcoholic, bitch to her own children, and critisized my own mother for coming to see her when she was on her death bed. I don't know how to fell about this. Was I just too naieve, young or just plain stupid to see this? Or was I just blocking those parts out of my memory? I don't know what to think. I never got to say goodbye to her, I still continually break down and bawl often just because I think of her name or something that reminds me of her - almost 9 years later. I don't have Skyler anymore. When Nanny died, I remember grabbing him and just holding him and crying. I feel so bad for the way that I treated him - I remember barely petting him the last few years of his life because I thought he was annoying and had a funny smell. I was so stupid. He just wanted to be loved by me. But I know that Kiersten took good care of him, especially the last few days of his life. I'm not sure of what really prompted me to write this, but I think that I am beginning to finally learn to cope and get over what it is that I have been dealing with. I am planning on getting a tattoo at some point - I may just wait until next year and get it on the 30th of December, 10 years after she died. Many people say that getting something like a tattoo in memory of someone or something you loved, however painful, helps and preserves the memories that you have (especially if it is symbolic and has meaning to you). This is my way of dealing, coping and healing.