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Sep 09, 2010 03:40

Everything seems to be getting so much harder physically... My whole body is aching and I'm just feeling... weak, for lack of a better word. Like... I'm not particularly dizzy, but I find myself reaching for a wall or a railing to lean on when I walk. I know when I feel like that I need to slow down when I walk, but it's difficult for me to do. I already walk so much slower than is "normal" for me... So to consciously slow that down is really hard to do, and easy to forget until I find myself leaning against a wall, trying to make sure no one sees me.

I don't know why, but I'm very self conscious about my Lupus and everything at work. I don't mind talking about it so much, but actually showing any of it is really difficult, and I'm not sure why. I'm at a point where all of this stuff is second nature and I shouldn't feel the need to hide it... But, I do... Almost to a fault. Like, if someone is walking with me, or behind me or whatever, I will push myself until I get to my desk or wherever I'm going, I won't grab a wall or lean on anything. It's stupid and crazy and I don't know what my deal is all of a sudden.

I was thinking about it today (while I was cringing from the symphony of coughing and sneezing around me at work) and I haven't had a single break from feeling like crap all year. Sure, it's not all been really bad or anything, but usually (and I use that term loosely since I've only been diagnosed for just over 5 years now) I get a break and get to feel human for a month or two... usually in the spring since 2006 April through May have been pretty good months... 2009 I think was the best because it lasted through most of June... Though, I wound up paying for it at the end of the year...

I honestly can't imagine feeling like this everyday for the next 30-50 years... Most days, the past five years feel like a lifetime already. I'm just so tired... on sooo many levels...
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