I are teh Tired.
OMFG I feel like I have no life anymore. I mean, I'm such a zombie and stuff these days, and I know once things change (okay, so after my Grandma is gone) I am going to be glad I have taken the time I have to be with and help her, but wow...it is so draining. It's really just made me think so much more about life...I've turned into this like, different person. But not that I will be a different person, it's just this adjustment process I am going through. Eventually I will go back to much happier & random posts, I promise.
Grandma finished her Radiation today. She even got this cool *Diploma* of sorts as a mark of achievement. ^_^ But I can say one thing I've observed this past few weeks: my Grandma doesn't hardly complain at all. (Unless she is in a great amount of discomfort or pain.) She is obviously not feeling well much of the time, but she rarely lets on. She will tell us she feels fine or things are okay even if she later admits maybe not-so-much. She doesn't want to "Leave this Earth" bitter about anyone, even if she has dealt with people she's not been so fond of (like my Uncle Terry's selfish wife, who seems to feign caring and just really has no interest except seeing what she might *get* when Grandma is gone, sadly). Yet, Grandma just wants to be at peace with people...and she doesn't talk about *dying*, not once has she mentioned what her life will end as as death...she consistantly refers to it as "Leaving this Earth"...the things she wants done before she "Leaves this Earth", the people she will do her best to tolerate until she "Leaves this Earth", even when she's asked the various Doctors how long they think it might be before she "Leaves this Earth", it's just...really amazing to see someone who obviously realizes she doesn't have a long time (how long, we can't be sure, really). Yes, she knows she is dying, but still, she is doing the best she can, and I know it's not easy. She wants to keep her dignity, her strength, and yes, even her smartassed wittiness going no matter how she's feeling inside. This woman is so resilient, so...something I never saw her as before. Maybe because I never had to; I've never had to see someone process the news and take up what is a very uphill battle like this before. And I can only hope things will not hinder her too much in the end, and that I may find my life is that much at peace when I get to the "sunset" of my own life. It helps me gain a bit more insight and meaning to what I do in life too. I've always been a bit of a late-bloomer, maturity-wise, but now...I think I'm catching up, and then some.
Someday I will write a poem as a testiment to how strong she has been; it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. I wrote a poem when my Grandfather passed away; it was read at his Funeral. (I'll have to dig it up and post it another time.) I want to do something very similar for her - I did write a poem for her 90th Birthday scrapbook, but this will go beyond that. But, I'm not sure when I'll be ready for that. I can't just sit down and write something (at least, not anything of real meaning or substance) until the moment is right. I can't force my writing, which is why I rarely share what I do write; I want things to be special, inspired, a flowing stream from my inner self, and it has to be RIGHT. (And I'm my very own worst critic, it's true.) And with what is to come, I don't want to write it...yet I know that day will come.
As for other updates, my Dad is doing MUCH better now that his new medicine is working, and here's hoping he won't have any more scary asthma issues. @_@ And let's see...with my Aunt Robin's husband, looks like they have to go in and take out part of his large intestine and merge it with the small (hard to explain, I've seen it done on Discovery Health Channel before, though). They think that will get the cancerous bits out, but they are also taking out several of his lymph nodes to biopsy and make sure it hasn't snuck out elsewhere, which they feel it hasn't. They do say though if he'd waited, say, a few years before having a colonoscopy, chances are it would have been too late to do anything. So, lucky stars for him, and about time some good news come about, for sure. So hey, people with parents over 40+, tell them to get things checked out...there's more that can be done when it's caught early than if someone learns they had cancer when it's too late to help. We gotta take care of our "Elders", ya know!
I am like making no sense now. I'm rambling. I need sleep; I have a busy couple of weeks ahead. Thanks for hanging in with me, everyone...if you're reading this, I appreciate it. I know life is crazy for so many right now, but we'll all keep each other going, right? Comic relief is always good, and hey, even those serious moments are special too. ^_^
*HUGS TO ALL*
Edit: Hrm, weird. I just noticed that post from yesterday says it was done at 5 a.m. - it was actually like 9 p.m. or so. Oh well. Y'all know I'd NEVER be up that friggin' early!
Grandma finished her Radiation today. She even got this cool *Diploma* of sorts as a mark of achievement. ^_^ But I can say one thing I've observed this past few weeks: my Grandma doesn't hardly complain at all. (Unless she is in a great amount of discomfort or pain.) She is obviously not feeling well much of the time, but she rarely lets on. She will tell us she feels fine or things are okay even if she later admits maybe not-so-much. She doesn't want to "Leave this Earth" bitter about anyone, even if she has dealt with people she's not been so fond of (like my Uncle Terry's selfish wife, who seems to feign caring and just really has no interest except seeing what she might *get* when Grandma is gone, sadly). Yet, Grandma just wants to be at peace with people...and she doesn't talk about *dying*, not once has she mentioned what her life will end as as death...she consistantly refers to it as "Leaving this Earth"...the things she wants done before she "Leaves this Earth", the people she will do her best to tolerate until she "Leaves this Earth", even when she's asked the various Doctors how long they think it might be before she "Leaves this Earth", it's just...really amazing to see someone who obviously realizes she doesn't have a long time (how long, we can't be sure, really). Yes, she knows she is dying, but still, she is doing the best she can, and I know it's not easy. She wants to keep her dignity, her strength, and yes, even her smartassed wittiness going no matter how she's feeling inside. This woman is so resilient, so...something I never saw her as before. Maybe because I never had to; I've never had to see someone process the news and take up what is a very uphill battle like this before. And I can only hope things will not hinder her too much in the end, and that I may find my life is that much at peace when I get to the "sunset" of my own life. It helps me gain a bit more insight and meaning to what I do in life too. I've always been a bit of a late-bloomer, maturity-wise, but now...I think I'm catching up, and then some.
Someday I will write a poem as a testiment to how strong she has been; it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. I wrote a poem when my Grandfather passed away; it was read at his Funeral. (I'll have to dig it up and post it another time.) I want to do something very similar for her - I did write a poem for her 90th Birthday scrapbook, but this will go beyond that. But, I'm not sure when I'll be ready for that. I can't just sit down and write something (at least, not anything of real meaning or substance) until the moment is right. I can't force my writing, which is why I rarely share what I do write; I want things to be special, inspired, a flowing stream from my inner self, and it has to be RIGHT. (And I'm my very own worst critic, it's true.) And with what is to come, I don't want to write it...yet I know that day will come.
As for other updates, my Dad is doing MUCH better now that his new medicine is working, and here's hoping he won't have any more scary asthma issues. @_@ And let's see...with my Aunt Robin's husband, looks like they have to go in and take out part of his large intestine and merge it with the small (hard to explain, I've seen it done on Discovery Health Channel before, though). They think that will get the cancerous bits out, but they are also taking out several of his lymph nodes to biopsy and make sure it hasn't snuck out elsewhere, which they feel it hasn't. They do say though if he'd waited, say, a few years before having a colonoscopy, chances are it would have been too late to do anything. So, lucky stars for him, and about time some good news come about, for sure. So hey, people with parents over 40+, tell them to get things checked out...there's more that can be done when it's caught early than if someone learns they had cancer when it's too late to help. We gotta take care of our "Elders", ya know!
I am like making no sense now. I'm rambling. I need sleep; I have a busy couple of weeks ahead. Thanks for hanging in with me, everyone...if you're reading this, I appreciate it. I know life is crazy for so many right now, but we'll all keep each other going, right? Comic relief is always good, and hey, even those serious moments are special too. ^_^
*HUGS TO ALL*
Edit: Hrm, weird. I just noticed that post from yesterday says it was done at 5 a.m. - it was actually like 9 p.m. or so. Oh well. Y'all know I'd NEVER be up that friggin' early!