(no subject)
we're leaving france today for bern, switzerland and since our train doesn't leave until 1, we're just biding our time. i'm really feeling very irritated and out of sorts, which has been how i've felt pretty much every morning since it's been impossible for me to get a good night's sleep between the noises outside, the heat inside and the goddamn mosquitos. i have, not surprisingly, never liked mosquitos and always done my best to swat and destroy any that came in my path. after being awoken every night at least once by one dive-bombing my head- my ear, my nose, my mouth, lost precious sleep time trying to kill them or lock them in the bathroom and woken up every morning with several new bug bites (we are both just covered), i have developed a whole new hatred for them. needless to say, despite the cuteness of the room, i was relieved to bid it adui this morning.
ok, just had to get that out. not sure if it gets annoying to hear the girl on the european vacation complaining, but it helps me to vent and let go and move on so i can focus on all the great parts! being in a strange place, away from all the comforts that keep your life on track, never sure how fully your basic comforts will be fulfilled is inevitably stressful. after 3 weeks sharing a double bed with brett, uncomfortable pillows, lopsided mattresses... i miss my bed, i miss my cozy little apartment and i miss my kitties. i know that being without basic comforts like that will only make me appreciate them more when i get back and for that i am very grateful. not only that, but when i'm lying in bed in a strange hotel room in the darkest part of the night, unable to go back to sleep, sweaty, but not wanting to uncover any part of my body (including my head) for fear of being divebombed and i feel stressed and long for the morning, i am reminded how freakin easy my life is. when that is my darkest night- granted the demons creap in and that is real, undeniable stress, but when i'm facing my demons from the comfort of a 2 star hotel in the south of france, i am struck by how much harder other people's lives are- people who face their demons in the middle of the night on street corners, in hiding from someone who wants to hurt them, in their own home, but fearful that someone could break in and destroy their lives any minute. then of course i also wonder what it feels like to feel fearful in the middle of the night once you are a parent and it's no longer just your safety you are concerned about. self-preservation is a really big thing for me, so to imagine worrying more about someone else's safety than my own is a pretty big deal, and yet i know someday i will.
well, now i'm starting to really feel better, starting to feel cleansed. i've been writing a lot more in my personal journal and that's been helping too. it's amazing how you can hold something inside and it can eat you up and yet once you get it out, either in writing, or by telling someone else it loses all it's power over you. sometimes that's hard to remember. the other day i was feeling really bitter about the city we'd chosen to be in on the coast and it was making it impossible to enjoy what we were doing in the moment (biking up the side of a mountain, but i'll get to that). i told brett just that i was feeling bitter and frustrated that i couldn't figure out how to let it go and just be in the experience. he nodded and we kept on peddling. when we got to the top, he asked me what he thought we could do to help me enjoy myself. i said "never mind, we did it and now i feel great!" the human mind is really silly.
so onward to our last couple days. Tuesday was one of the best days i have ever had, no exageration. it was sublime, yep, that's right, sublime, which is not a word you use very often, but in this case it fits perfectly. one of the things that helped make it so great is that it started out crappy. we both were crabby when we got up and when we went to plan the all day boat trip we were excited about taking the next day, they told us that our guide was out of date and those were no longer being offered and had been replaced by these short, cheesy trips that didn't really go anywhere. grr! but we had a plan for the day: rent bikes, explore the city, then ride down the coast til we found a beach that suited us and set up camp.
the first thing we decided to go see was the highest point in the city. we'd spent all our time on the flat part, where all the touristy stuff and rentals were, but you start heading up the side of what is essentially a mountain and you enter into little, quiet neighborhoods of houses. for anyone who might be unsure, let me be clear that i am not in biking-up-hill kind of shape. and of course as i shared before, i was feeling pretty pissed at the world, still there's always something so great about sweating profusely under extremely hard work that has a clear goal. and we made it to the top- i thought it would never end, it was a long ways! but we made it! ok we had to get off and walk for the last bit, but walking a bike up a very steep hill in the blaring sun on shaky legs is hard enough. it felt like a great accomplishment, despite my concern that i might have to celebrate by reliving the almond crossainte i'd had for breakfast and like i said, my mood had greatly improved too. we were out of the city, in open spaces which was a huge relief.
from there we rode across to a forest of sorts, which up on the top of the "mountain" made it feel kind of like being in colorado, had orange juice at a little cafe up there, and then headed down, and i am just as proud to say that i did not walk my bike once, which given my fear of going down steep hils on a bike was an accomplishment on the same scale as getting up the hills and done entirely through will power, and lots of riding of brakes of course. i don't have the best relationship with bikes, really- i'd like to work on that because they can be very fun.
then, even riding along the coast, weee! we managed to find the perfect beach- not very crowded w/ a little cafe and as soon as i rounded the corner, i spotted the comfy beach chairs under the big umbrellas. i turned to brett and said "i don't care how much they cost, we are renting 2 of those." the 7€ each we spent for them was *so worth it.* divine, i tell you, it was a divine afternoon we had. of course one of the greatest moments was immersing myself in the ocean for the first time, since it had been years since i'd done such a thing and the key thing being that i was still hot and sweaty from the bike ride. that is a level of refreshment not often experienced. as we're making ourselves comfy in our chairs, we look around and realize how many breasts we see, and not just from the fat men in speedos, although there were plenty of those, too. We're in a topless beach in the south of france! i love it! i thought- i will do this... but not right now. after the woman with gorgeous breasts the size of my head emerged from the water and laid down on her back, i decided it was time to get over it- i mean with boobs like that around, who's going to notice mine that aren't even as big as some of the fat men in speedos? i have to say it was very freeing.
i felt like i could have sat in those chairs on that beach forever. it was a rare moment of total contentment. sitting, reading, writing, chatting occasionally, watching brett attempt to immerse his *entire* body into the water (he never quite succeeded- he blames in on the lack of body fat) and i also occasionally headed out to the water. what a great feeling- the waves were very smooth, almost no breaks at all, the water was reasonably warm, by northwest standards and the salt gives you such a great feeling of bouancy. i was so happy just to float along, ride the waves and move my limbs through the water.
it was also one of those great days with your partner where you're together, but you're taking care of yourself and doing your own thing and there's still room for the occasional connection. it's just so nice- i think even if you don't have a partner, it's important to have a friend that you can be with yourself with.
after we returned the bikes, collapsed in our hotel room, then dragged ourselves into the shower, then out the door to forage for food, we found this cute little indian resturant with almost no one in it and had the best indian food- nothing like a good, fatty, healthy meal after a day of exersion.
i felt so filled up after this day, i could hardly stand it.
and now it is almost time to go wait for our train, so everything else will have to wait.
ok, just had to get that out. not sure if it gets annoying to hear the girl on the european vacation complaining, but it helps me to vent and let go and move on so i can focus on all the great parts! being in a strange place, away from all the comforts that keep your life on track, never sure how fully your basic comforts will be fulfilled is inevitably stressful. after 3 weeks sharing a double bed with brett, uncomfortable pillows, lopsided mattresses... i miss my bed, i miss my cozy little apartment and i miss my kitties. i know that being without basic comforts like that will only make me appreciate them more when i get back and for that i am very grateful. not only that, but when i'm lying in bed in a strange hotel room in the darkest part of the night, unable to go back to sleep, sweaty, but not wanting to uncover any part of my body (including my head) for fear of being divebombed and i feel stressed and long for the morning, i am reminded how freakin easy my life is. when that is my darkest night- granted the demons creap in and that is real, undeniable stress, but when i'm facing my demons from the comfort of a 2 star hotel in the south of france, i am struck by how much harder other people's lives are- people who face their demons in the middle of the night on street corners, in hiding from someone who wants to hurt them, in their own home, but fearful that someone could break in and destroy their lives any minute. then of course i also wonder what it feels like to feel fearful in the middle of the night once you are a parent and it's no longer just your safety you are concerned about. self-preservation is a really big thing for me, so to imagine worrying more about someone else's safety than my own is a pretty big deal, and yet i know someday i will.
well, now i'm starting to really feel better, starting to feel cleansed. i've been writing a lot more in my personal journal and that's been helping too. it's amazing how you can hold something inside and it can eat you up and yet once you get it out, either in writing, or by telling someone else it loses all it's power over you. sometimes that's hard to remember. the other day i was feeling really bitter about the city we'd chosen to be in on the coast and it was making it impossible to enjoy what we were doing in the moment (biking up the side of a mountain, but i'll get to that). i told brett just that i was feeling bitter and frustrated that i couldn't figure out how to let it go and just be in the experience. he nodded and we kept on peddling. when we got to the top, he asked me what he thought we could do to help me enjoy myself. i said "never mind, we did it and now i feel great!" the human mind is really silly.
so onward to our last couple days. Tuesday was one of the best days i have ever had, no exageration. it was sublime, yep, that's right, sublime, which is not a word you use very often, but in this case it fits perfectly. one of the things that helped make it so great is that it started out crappy. we both were crabby when we got up and when we went to plan the all day boat trip we were excited about taking the next day, they told us that our guide was out of date and those were no longer being offered and had been replaced by these short, cheesy trips that didn't really go anywhere. grr! but we had a plan for the day: rent bikes, explore the city, then ride down the coast til we found a beach that suited us and set up camp.
the first thing we decided to go see was the highest point in the city. we'd spent all our time on the flat part, where all the touristy stuff and rentals were, but you start heading up the side of what is essentially a mountain and you enter into little, quiet neighborhoods of houses. for anyone who might be unsure, let me be clear that i am not in biking-up-hill kind of shape. and of course as i shared before, i was feeling pretty pissed at the world, still there's always something so great about sweating profusely under extremely hard work that has a clear goal. and we made it to the top- i thought it would never end, it was a long ways! but we made it! ok we had to get off and walk for the last bit, but walking a bike up a very steep hill in the blaring sun on shaky legs is hard enough. it felt like a great accomplishment, despite my concern that i might have to celebrate by reliving the almond crossainte i'd had for breakfast and like i said, my mood had greatly improved too. we were out of the city, in open spaces which was a huge relief.
from there we rode across to a forest of sorts, which up on the top of the "mountain" made it feel kind of like being in colorado, had orange juice at a little cafe up there, and then headed down, and i am just as proud to say that i did not walk my bike once, which given my fear of going down steep hils on a bike was an accomplishment on the same scale as getting up the hills and done entirely through will power, and lots of riding of brakes of course. i don't have the best relationship with bikes, really- i'd like to work on that because they can be very fun.
then, even riding along the coast, weee! we managed to find the perfect beach- not very crowded w/ a little cafe and as soon as i rounded the corner, i spotted the comfy beach chairs under the big umbrellas. i turned to brett and said "i don't care how much they cost, we are renting 2 of those." the 7€ each we spent for them was *so worth it.* divine, i tell you, it was a divine afternoon we had. of course one of the greatest moments was immersing myself in the ocean for the first time, since it had been years since i'd done such a thing and the key thing being that i was still hot and sweaty from the bike ride. that is a level of refreshment not often experienced. as we're making ourselves comfy in our chairs, we look around and realize how many breasts we see, and not just from the fat men in speedos, although there were plenty of those, too. We're in a topless beach in the south of france! i love it! i thought- i will do this... but not right now. after the woman with gorgeous breasts the size of my head emerged from the water and laid down on her back, i decided it was time to get over it- i mean with boobs like that around, who's going to notice mine that aren't even as big as some of the fat men in speedos? i have to say it was very freeing.
i felt like i could have sat in those chairs on that beach forever. it was a rare moment of total contentment. sitting, reading, writing, chatting occasionally, watching brett attempt to immerse his *entire* body into the water (he never quite succeeded- he blames in on the lack of body fat) and i also occasionally headed out to the water. what a great feeling- the waves were very smooth, almost no breaks at all, the water was reasonably warm, by northwest standards and the salt gives you such a great feeling of bouancy. i was so happy just to float along, ride the waves and move my limbs through the water.
it was also one of those great days with your partner where you're together, but you're taking care of yourself and doing your own thing and there's still room for the occasional connection. it's just so nice- i think even if you don't have a partner, it's important to have a friend that you can be with yourself with.
after we returned the bikes, collapsed in our hotel room, then dragged ourselves into the shower, then out the door to forage for food, we found this cute little indian resturant with almost no one in it and had the best indian food- nothing like a good, fatty, healthy meal after a day of exersion.
i felt so filled up after this day, i could hardly stand it.
and now it is almost time to go wait for our train, so everything else will have to wait.