(no subject)
It's kind of funny to look back at these past few entries because I see no movement of time. I agree whole heartedly that time has elapsed, but in my mind I am still in the same place. Every time I feel as if I have grown up just a tad, I find myself put in my place and shot down a couple of years. Sure, I am an asshole in every way possible, but I'd like to think that I am less of one these days.
It is incredibly hard to find myself at peace, sure I am not suicidal and I'm not medicated in anyway, but there is always something at the back of my mind, whether it is something I am unsure about or upcoming events that are bound to happen. My sleep schedule is so fucked these days, I can't get a decent amount, and when I do, it is entirely too much.
My social life is no better, I blame myself for everything that has happened between me and other people. I don't talk to certain people, because I don't like drunks, and when I drink myself, well, I hate myself. I don't see the joy in turning twenty-one anymore, because I would just be a hypocrite. I've lost a best friend due to my indecisiveness and the views of other people, not to mention that I am an entirely selfish person. I thought doing things for myself would better me, instead it has turned around to bite me in the ass. I am deathly afraid to talk to them because they might think I am pitying them, when in reality I am pitying myself and kicking myself in the shin for ever ruining things. My tendency to make things super awkward is turning my brain into mush, or more mushy than it already is.
It is times like these that I wish that I could grow up in a millisecond and make things right, do whatever it is that I am not seeing right now. I'd like to believe that my eyes are always open, but they remain shut to certain ideas and aspects of life. I feel like a giant lump of baby poop, the kind you really really wish never came out of an asshole. I am finding that I will never be happy with my decisions on men. It might seem right at this point, but who knows. I am only hurting someone else by taking my own advice, I am only doing myself harm by keeping my distance, I am only killing myself slowly by not engaging in a relationship. I want so badly to believe that this will all blow over and what is said is said and what is done is done, but I can't predict what other people will feel or say.
Really, all I want is to have my friends with me for my birthday, my friends to be near during hard times, and not to be on a nonspeaking term with someone. I think it hurts me more so than anyone. I constantly think nowadays how shitty of a person I am, and it only gets worse. I should call my mom and ask her how not to be a shitty person, she's a great lady. I need to spend more time with the kitty boys, I rarely have time to sauce them these days.
Sigh, I am getting depressed, hello seasonal depression.
It is incredibly hard to find myself at peace, sure I am not suicidal and I'm not medicated in anyway, but there is always something at the back of my mind, whether it is something I am unsure about or upcoming events that are bound to happen. My sleep schedule is so fucked these days, I can't get a decent amount, and when I do, it is entirely too much.
My social life is no better, I blame myself for everything that has happened between me and other people. I don't talk to certain people, because I don't like drunks, and when I drink myself, well, I hate myself. I don't see the joy in turning twenty-one anymore, because I would just be a hypocrite. I've lost a best friend due to my indecisiveness and the views of other people, not to mention that I am an entirely selfish person. I thought doing things for myself would better me, instead it has turned around to bite me in the ass. I am deathly afraid to talk to them because they might think I am pitying them, when in reality I am pitying myself and kicking myself in the shin for ever ruining things. My tendency to make things super awkward is turning my brain into mush, or more mushy than it already is.
It is times like these that I wish that I could grow up in a millisecond and make things right, do whatever it is that I am not seeing right now. I'd like to believe that my eyes are always open, but they remain shut to certain ideas and aspects of life. I feel like a giant lump of baby poop, the kind you really really wish never came out of an asshole. I am finding that I will never be happy with my decisions on men. It might seem right at this point, but who knows. I am only hurting someone else by taking my own advice, I am only doing myself harm by keeping my distance, I am only killing myself slowly by not engaging in a relationship. I want so badly to believe that this will all blow over and what is said is said and what is done is done, but I can't predict what other people will feel or say.
Really, all I want is to have my friends with me for my birthday, my friends to be near during hard times, and not to be on a nonspeaking term with someone. I think it hurts me more so than anyone. I constantly think nowadays how shitty of a person I am, and it only gets worse. I should call my mom and ask her how not to be a shitty person, she's a great lady. I need to spend more time with the kitty boys, I rarely have time to sauce them these days.
Sigh, I am getting depressed, hello seasonal depression.