beginning of the end...
In a little town called Madison, Wisconsin, there lived a girl; a girl whose life was about to change drastically in only a period of a week. And so she sits at work pondering a few things that have crossed her mind in the last few days that seem not to bring tears or joy, but a mediocre feeling of discertainty about whom she is and what her life amounts to.
Yesterday was my last day of class as an undergrad. Today is technically my last shift of work (although I picked up two sub slips for next week). It is today...as Churchville said in midst of WWII: It is not the beginning, nor the end, but it is the beginning of the end.
I have my entire life ahead of me. And I was thinking last night as I was walking the streets tired, hungry, and wanting to get off state street at bar time (2 in the morn) that as a young woman, I'm so filled with hopes and dreams that may or may not come true. An ex of mine once told me "at your age, I thought the world would be different" and maybe it would have been for him, but is the world really what we make it or bring to it? And if it is, doesn't that mean we have a certain amount of control in what happens?
Clearly there are things we don't have control over. Example: I've was tested for cervical cancer about two weeks ago-ish and yesterday my doctor called me with the results. Things looked good he said and there's either a chance that it cleared it self on its own or my doc missed it. So I have to go back in in there for more tests before I got to LA. Cancer is something I can't control.
I really don't want to end up 40 and saying that I thought the world would be different. And in many ways, I thought love would be, but I'm coming to terms with it. I've been asking myself alot about a fork in the road that I'm not coming to anytime soon, but something that I need to think about with great power - in my world, you can either have kids and falling in love, start a family or you can go for your cinematic dreams.
I met a woman who worked for Disney yesterday. She was the producer of Home on the Range and she had brought her daughter with her to the presentation. This little girl was the biggest brat of all time! All I kept thinking was "typical LA kid" and to make matters more cement in my head about this fork in the road, Alice said "I probably would have continued to do stage management had I not fallen in love."
My ma and I were talking the other day. She said a teacher from my high school said to her "that' jill, she's going to conquer the film world." and my ma's reply was "nah...she's in love with love. She'll meet a man and fall in love and that will be her demise cause she'll want to have a family and be the brownie mom."
So what am I looking for...a man whom I can fall in love with who with his whole heart support my endeavors and recognize my need to conquer the world. But I need him to not be able to have kids. Kids will be my demise. I love them. I want them, but I can't have them.
Things are still rough. I'm trying not to think or speak about things, but I question whether my theory of "speak no evil, later think no evil" will actually work. Am I just suppressing things? nevertheless I'm still comfortable with being single right now.
But as I learned last night, I'm not comfortable with the "meat" fest known as bars after midnight. Geez...I wanted a couple of drinks last night and I asked a friend to come out. I really just felt like doing a couple tequila shots, but we had a few beers too. I was celebrating being cancer free! as the night grew on, I wanted to just chill with my friend, but it ended up being this free for all meat fest. He started slapping my butt and saying how beautiful I was and i'm just not into james. as he put it I'm not "fuck material, I'm girlfriend material." I guess that's a compliement.
ok...this is so long. I'm at work and I've just been randomly thinking..until tonight.
Yesterday was my last day of class as an undergrad. Today is technically my last shift of work (although I picked up two sub slips for next week). It is today...as Churchville said in midst of WWII: It is not the beginning, nor the end, but it is the beginning of the end.
I have my entire life ahead of me. And I was thinking last night as I was walking the streets tired, hungry, and wanting to get off state street at bar time (2 in the morn) that as a young woman, I'm so filled with hopes and dreams that may or may not come true. An ex of mine once told me "at your age, I thought the world would be different" and maybe it would have been for him, but is the world really what we make it or bring to it? And if it is, doesn't that mean we have a certain amount of control in what happens?
Clearly there are things we don't have control over. Example: I've was tested for cervical cancer about two weeks ago-ish and yesterday my doctor called me with the results. Things looked good he said and there's either a chance that it cleared it self on its own or my doc missed it. So I have to go back in in there for more tests before I got to LA. Cancer is something I can't control.
I really don't want to end up 40 and saying that I thought the world would be different. And in many ways, I thought love would be, but I'm coming to terms with it. I've been asking myself alot about a fork in the road that I'm not coming to anytime soon, but something that I need to think about with great power - in my world, you can either have kids and falling in love, start a family or you can go for your cinematic dreams.
I met a woman who worked for Disney yesterday. She was the producer of Home on the Range and she had brought her daughter with her to the presentation. This little girl was the biggest brat of all time! All I kept thinking was "typical LA kid" and to make matters more cement in my head about this fork in the road, Alice said "I probably would have continued to do stage management had I not fallen in love."
My ma and I were talking the other day. She said a teacher from my high school said to her "that' jill, she's going to conquer the film world." and my ma's reply was "nah...she's in love with love. She'll meet a man and fall in love and that will be her demise cause she'll want to have a family and be the brownie mom."
So what am I looking for...a man whom I can fall in love with who with his whole heart support my endeavors and recognize my need to conquer the world. But I need him to not be able to have kids. Kids will be my demise. I love them. I want them, but I can't have them.
Things are still rough. I'm trying not to think or speak about things, but I question whether my theory of "speak no evil, later think no evil" will actually work. Am I just suppressing things? nevertheless I'm still comfortable with being single right now.
But as I learned last night, I'm not comfortable with the "meat" fest known as bars after midnight. Geez...I wanted a couple of drinks last night and I asked a friend to come out. I really just felt like doing a couple tequila shots, but we had a few beers too. I was celebrating being cancer free! as the night grew on, I wanted to just chill with my friend, but it ended up being this free for all meat fest. He started slapping my butt and saying how beautiful I was and i'm just not into james. as he put it I'm not "fuck material, I'm girlfriend material." I guess that's a compliement.
ok...this is so long. I'm at work and I've just been randomly thinking..until tonight.