Oh dear. My first ever fanfic, The Problem With Love.
Alright. This is it. After ages of reading fanfictions and writing ones in my head, I've decided to bite the bullet and actually write one down. This idea was inspired by Brandywine's Arsonist Challenge. I'll admit it, I've been creeping some of your fanfictions, guys. I can't help it, you're all amazing writers. I must confess, though, that I only ( Read more... )
You've given us a glimpse of a very vulnerable Ryan alone, at least initially, in a moment of rare weakness and of overwhelming feelings of doubt, inadequacy, worthlessness and that cumulative despair that peaked after the crash and still wasn't addressed, merely put aside again to placate the Cohens, who seemed to believe Ryan had some positive value to them that might counterbalance all of his perceived negative value- even if he himself didn't agree with that assessment. He wouldn't disrupt their lives further, since that was what he was trying to avoid, but he's still reeling, still just as lost and still staring so many of his deep-rooted and justified insecurities in the face. And, since he doesn't want to leave a physical reminder or wound from lashing out, he opts to run out his powerlessness and the emotions he can't process or express.
It's so hard to envision Ryan crying, at least crying in anyone's presence because of the veritable fortress he's had to construct to protect himself and to let others know they don't have to get close and that expects nothing. I can, however, see him losing control without being aware of it actually happening and you've described that sort of scene, with the tears making a sneak attack and streaming forth. Even alone, he'd be shamed into thinking he was weak and self-indulgent. He'd be trying to make sense of what was happening. He's never had the luxury of anyone being interested in his feelings or being encouraged that finding a natural outlet for them is healthy and accpetable.
I like your version of Seth far better than the one we saw 99.9% of the time. He's "The Avengers" and earliest S1 Seth in his best moment. I'd like to think that Seth would have learned something from Ryan and not just taken his patience, listening and non-judgemental demeanor for granted like he did everything else. If he could be as remotely as perceptive and sensitive as Ryan at this point and actually consider that Ryan has emotional needs and that he's struggling and could use some unconditional support, I'd be a happy camper. This Seth you have waiting for Ryan isn't waiting to bombard him and use him as a sounding board while discounting him. Thankfully, this Seth understands that Ryan is trapped in so much pain and confusion and that he needs to tread carefully, pay attention and use the signals Ryan is giving him. And that, as you close, take them back to the beginning, but with a far greater understanding and a reason for trust, not just an instinct.
Welcome to the party!
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I agree, Ryan never had anyone in his life that cared enough about him to listen to his feelings or to let him express them. I sort of think that he believes that any 'negative' emotion other than anger isn't acceptable, and so all other emotions are changed into that to make it seem more alright. I'd been wondering what would happen if, for once, he didn't show his insecurity and sadness through anger, and this is what I came up with.
I wish too that Seth could understand and value Ryan's silence instead of abusing it. I love the kid and I think that he really means well, but there's times when it's so obvious that Ryan needs support and Seth just blows right by it.
Anyway. Thanks for your support and opinions! It really means a lot to me.
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ITA on your take with Ryan and the way he channels certain emotions closest to anger, but even that is very fleeting and seems to disipate as quickly as it materializes. It takes an awful lot for him to lose the mask of stoicism anyway- at least in Newport where he knows he's on 24/7 probation and that this particular sentence has no specified term. He looks at it as a life sentence and can only hope that some of the parameters might become clearer or the feeling of the scrutiny, the confusion, alienation, being overwhelmed, or the suffocating noose that goes beyond a leash might loosen with time and some clarity. He can't really relax where he wasn't wanted, welcome or doesn't belong and has to constantly justify his presence.
I think you hit the nail on the head with some of his perceptions. Without ever being valued and encouraged to bond and express himself, he was left using powers of observation and adapting a perspective and behaviors that would give him the highest likelihood of survival. As much as he despises and tries not to emulate, but to be the antithesis of what surrounded him prior to Newport, that still means he's the product of his environment. He would not incorporate what he knew to be immoral, unethical, unwarranted, negative behaviors, especially those which conflicted with his mysterious moral compass. However, since he was never given certain tools and had no role model for anything resembling a healthy emotional relationship or a natural comfort zone, there would be so many gray areas. He would have been taught that showing weakness wasn't just something his tormentors viewed as undesirable, but something that made him appear more vulnerable and even more at risk. Therefore, he would have deemed it negative, or, at the very least, a luxury or self-indulgence he couldn't afford. In public, his facade would have to be in place for self-preservation. In private, he had other concerns and no foundation to fall back on. End of diatribe!
Seth has obviously been coddled and sheltered to the extreme. His parents might have meant well, but they did him a disservice. Some of it may be his personality as well, but he obviously wasn't exposed to enough situations where he had to be taught, or learn to consider others and the Cohens and teachers, etc. all let it slide. There are plenty of people who have no siblings, but they still know how to be gracious and considerate and how to adapt and acquire new skills as they encounter new scenarios. Seth? Just too selfish and, unfortunately, Ryan is the ultimate enabler in this case because he literally had no one or nothing and, along with being one of the most tolerant life forms on the planet, he's one of the most responsible and sensitive. He would have sensed and complied with what Seth needed and also felt a real debt to him for wanting Ryan there (even if most of that was selfish, not merely to help Ryan- and Ryan wouldn't expect otherwise), since no one wanted Ryan around, and he would have felt very obligated to do anything he could for Snady and Kirsten. I truly believe he saw being subservient to Seth as his job and undertook the task willingly. It would be a minimal and inadequate way to pay back Seth's parents, no matter how annoying Seth could be. Ryan, of all people, was used to being discounted and taken for granted or living in other people's defined contexts. As you say, I don't think Seth ever learned- or took the time to even consider learning- how to be a friend. And he hit the jackpot with Ryan, who did all the work.
Thanks for taking the plunge. I hope you continue!
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And Seth would have gone for the one-sided "pay attention to me, me, me" sort of friendship, but without someone like Ryan, that would have lasted about a day- or an afternoon...
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