(no subject)
its a very interesting situation im working with right now. i spent pretty much my entire day with him and i dont know if ive ever felt this way about a boy. and not even in the way you think.
he really is exactly the type of boy id like. and i do like him. but i dont think i like him as much as my mind is making me think i do.
when i see him i don't get like a weird stomach leap or a funny feeling. i just see derrick. and i like spending time with him and i like talking to him and i like laughing at him and i like looking at him (that's super hard for me to admit) i think i just make it out to be so much more than it is because ive never had to compete with anyone before. so my mind is trying to rush and force the feelings to compensate for the other person being there because when i really sit down and think about it im not completely infatuated with this boy like i usually am with boys i admit to liking.
i do talk about him a a lot and think about him a a lot but i think its just more because im trying to figure out ways to fix him. hes so damaged for reasons that i don't even know and i guess thats why i am so drawn to him. hes so much emotionally like me. hes damaged in a way that he really even cant explain and shouldn't be. he shouldn't be as insecure as he is because he is really physically attractive and has a really nice body. ive looked at it more times than i care to admit actually. and hes mentally perfect. hes too nice and caring for words.
i cant explain why im so fucked up. i don't know what exactly made me so jaded. i mean, yes i am unattractive but besides being ignored and not seen sexually by men its not really like i am bothered. i wasn't really tortured ever about the way i looked. ive always had friends that love me and ive always been really social. im ok. my situation with my mom doesn't really fuck me up in how i feel about myself so i don't know really why i am the way i am. i am painfully shy when it comes to relationships and i don't know why. derrick is too, a bit less than me but still insecure and he really shouldn't be. hes pretty much perfect besides being too in his shell. once you get him to open up hes so amazing!
i just think i got really caring for him and actually liking him confused. i mean if he decided he wanted to date me tomorrow i wouldn't say no but i am going to stop stressing over it because i think i have realized now that i was just too in a hurry to find someone to like again after the last one crashed and burned that i just kind of latched onto the type of boy i usually do.
but i care a lot for derrick and i really want to help him. i want him to tell me everything. but i guess thats also a bad thing. no boy wants to date a girl that already knows everything about them. the good and the bad. but when people talk to me it is usually the bad.
but i like being there emotionally for people
speaking of that as well i have more proof that i have to be who i am because even when people are aware that they are not really there for their friends that way i am they still dont want to be. even if they try. i love my friends a lot but even if they ask if i am ok (which to be honest i never am) and i try to unload on them, they dont really care. they dont really listen and i just give up before i really even start.
i just have the livejournal to really pour my heart out into. its also easier for me because no matter how badly i want i can never really say what i truly feel when it is about myself. being all about me is really hard. i just honestly feel that everyone else is so much more worth it than me. they are so much better. i dont know why. but i just really think i am invisible. nothing.
-jillian
he really is exactly the type of boy id like. and i do like him. but i dont think i like him as much as my mind is making me think i do.
when i see him i don't get like a weird stomach leap or a funny feeling. i just see derrick. and i like spending time with him and i like talking to him and i like laughing at him and i like looking at him (that's super hard for me to admit) i think i just make it out to be so much more than it is because ive never had to compete with anyone before. so my mind is trying to rush and force the feelings to compensate for the other person being there because when i really sit down and think about it im not completely infatuated with this boy like i usually am with boys i admit to liking.
i do talk about him a a lot and think about him a a lot but i think its just more because im trying to figure out ways to fix him. hes so damaged for reasons that i don't even know and i guess thats why i am so drawn to him. hes so much emotionally like me. hes damaged in a way that he really even cant explain and shouldn't be. he shouldn't be as insecure as he is because he is really physically attractive and has a really nice body. ive looked at it more times than i care to admit actually. and hes mentally perfect. hes too nice and caring for words.
i cant explain why im so fucked up. i don't know what exactly made me so jaded. i mean, yes i am unattractive but besides being ignored and not seen sexually by men its not really like i am bothered. i wasn't really tortured ever about the way i looked. ive always had friends that love me and ive always been really social. im ok. my situation with my mom doesn't really fuck me up in how i feel about myself so i don't know really why i am the way i am. i am painfully shy when it comes to relationships and i don't know why. derrick is too, a bit less than me but still insecure and he really shouldn't be. hes pretty much perfect besides being too in his shell. once you get him to open up hes so amazing!
i just think i got really caring for him and actually liking him confused. i mean if he decided he wanted to date me tomorrow i wouldn't say no but i am going to stop stressing over it because i think i have realized now that i was just too in a hurry to find someone to like again after the last one crashed and burned that i just kind of latched onto the type of boy i usually do.
but i care a lot for derrick and i really want to help him. i want him to tell me everything. but i guess thats also a bad thing. no boy wants to date a girl that already knows everything about them. the good and the bad. but when people talk to me it is usually the bad.
but i like being there emotionally for people
speaking of that as well i have more proof that i have to be who i am because even when people are aware that they are not really there for their friends that way i am they still dont want to be. even if they try. i love my friends a lot but even if they ask if i am ok (which to be honest i never am) and i try to unload on them, they dont really care. they dont really listen and i just give up before i really even start.
i just have the livejournal to really pour my heart out into. its also easier for me because no matter how badly i want i can never really say what i truly feel when it is about myself. being all about me is really hard. i just honestly feel that everyone else is so much more worth it than me. they are so much better. i dont know why. but i just really think i am invisible. nothing.
-jillian