(no subject)
"while it was happening, i knew i was a mess but now that i can look at myself removed from such a distance i can see that i was a disaster."
It's funny what comes up when you click the auto-restore button.
I suppose it's time I wrote something in here. Sort out some thoughts, remind myself where I am ("was") at this particular moment in my life. Maybe I should find a new journal but I suppose the combined years I've had this one could potentially be notes for my biography. Or psychological profile. Ugh.
Life is so fucking confusing! Can I start by yelling that? Emotions and decisions, directions on which way to go and how to do. I think I do it all so Wrong. Perpetually lost, perpetually mucking up all types of relationships- Despite my die hard commitment to trying to do the right thing.
Romantic feelings scare the crap out of me. Friendships, I'm always worried they aren't genuine. Family, I've always tried to appear as what they expect of me and haven't really shown them my true self.
I obviously need to set up a lifestyle before I find a partner to match it. That's the logical steps right? Focus on me for awhile; get my money right, my mind and body fit. Then it will fall into place, right? Or the other way around?
The thoughts and feelings I've been having lately have made me so confused and lost, like there is no clear answer. I feel like I could be judged for my actions and words. Definetly misunderstood because I don't even understand myself right now. Maybe I'm more influenced by how I should feel and act then how I do in real life.
Speaking in specifics freaks me out. I feel like I couldn't talk about this openly without being judged. Like maybe I'm doing it all wrong or maybe my intentions and actions aren't aligned properly.
I try to be the friend I want or wished I had. I realized that being a selfish shut-in alcoholic in previous years did me badly and that the only way to have good friends is to be a good friend. This was a lesson I learned the difficult way, so I try to make it easier for everyone else. Like a lot of lessons I learned the hard way.
Should I try to shift my focus or is it exactly where it should be?
It's crazy how I don't even need to use words and people know who or what I'm thinking about.
Although I have thought very deeply about my situation, I have yet to come to any conclusions on what is the right thing to do and what would be or feel best.
I think time is the best solution. Until then I will work on getting me right.
BTW Five years. I had wondered what this milestone would feel like. At two years was when I decided to force Tom into a relationship with me, in his "Love never dies" t-shirt with the blonde skeleton pulling out her hair over the other skeleton.
I'm such a messy person on the inside.
It's funny what comes up when you click the auto-restore button.
I suppose it's time I wrote something in here. Sort out some thoughts, remind myself where I am ("was") at this particular moment in my life. Maybe I should find a new journal but I suppose the combined years I've had this one could potentially be notes for my biography. Or psychological profile. Ugh.
Life is so fucking confusing! Can I start by yelling that? Emotions and decisions, directions on which way to go and how to do. I think I do it all so Wrong. Perpetually lost, perpetually mucking up all types of relationships- Despite my die hard commitment to trying to do the right thing.
Romantic feelings scare the crap out of me. Friendships, I'm always worried they aren't genuine. Family, I've always tried to appear as what they expect of me and haven't really shown them my true self.
I obviously need to set up a lifestyle before I find a partner to match it. That's the logical steps right? Focus on me for awhile; get my money right, my mind and body fit. Then it will fall into place, right? Or the other way around?
The thoughts and feelings I've been having lately have made me so confused and lost, like there is no clear answer. I feel like I could be judged for my actions and words. Definetly misunderstood because I don't even understand myself right now. Maybe I'm more influenced by how I should feel and act then how I do in real life.
Speaking in specifics freaks me out. I feel like I couldn't talk about this openly without being judged. Like maybe I'm doing it all wrong or maybe my intentions and actions aren't aligned properly.
I try to be the friend I want or wished I had. I realized that being a selfish shut-in alcoholic in previous years did me badly and that the only way to have good friends is to be a good friend. This was a lesson I learned the difficult way, so I try to make it easier for everyone else. Like a lot of lessons I learned the hard way.
Should I try to shift my focus or is it exactly where it should be?
It's crazy how I don't even need to use words and people know who or what I'm thinking about.
Although I have thought very deeply about my situation, I have yet to come to any conclusions on what is the right thing to do and what would be or feel best.
I think time is the best solution. Until then I will work on getting me right.
BTW Five years. I had wondered what this milestone would feel like. At two years was when I decided to force Tom into a relationship with me, in his "Love never dies" t-shirt with the blonde skeleton pulling out her hair over the other skeleton.
I'm such a messy person on the inside.