block
i feel terrible. i haven't written anything of real merit, with any finished effort, in all of 2009. since the year is more than half over, that's pretty shitty. i feel pretty shitty. i can make excuses: i was overloaded with the french language and newness in montpellier. this summer, i'm overrun with construction workers and a real-people schedule and the past that always comes back.
all it comes down to in my eyes is that i can't do the one thing i thought i could do and love until i was a pile of bones. i said ain't today in real conversation. i got a letter saying i'm being put on academic probation because my grades aren't in and my one geneseo class got an incomplete because i suck. i've never not been on top of my shit, at least with school and i feel shaky and weird. and dang, staring off into fatigued oblivion at the bar with the men at lunch hour came so naturally, scowling at fucking catcallers comes so naturally, that maybe i shouldn't fight my genes and just give in, buy a house in the suburbs, pay taxes and play the lotto.
all it comes down to in my eyes is that i can't do the one thing i thought i could do and love until i was a pile of bones. i said ain't today in real conversation. i got a letter saying i'm being put on academic probation because my grades aren't in and my one geneseo class got an incomplete because i suck. i've never not been on top of my shit, at least with school and i feel shaky and weird. and dang, staring off into fatigued oblivion at the bar with the men at lunch hour came so naturally, scowling at fucking catcallers comes so naturally, that maybe i shouldn't fight my genes and just give in, buy a house in the suburbs, pay taxes and play the lotto.