(no subject)
So I know you're all dying to hear about our cross country adventure. And if you aren't, I'm going to tell you anyway!
March 27th, Friday
I woke up at the kind of ungodly hour I usually reserve for...not yet being asleep at. By the time I arrived in Arizona and accounted for the three hour time difference, I was pretty comatose. Include a huge breakfast at the 5 and Diner where I briefly met Sam, Al's local BFF, an early showing of Coraline, a trip to the World Wildlife Zoo where I was sexually harrassed by giraffes:
and where they house otters from The Future. It's important to note that otters from The Future have achieved the art of complete camouflage by means of invisibility. It was pretty impressive.
Follow this with ridiculously delicious and peanutbuttery ice cream at Coldstone, a huge lunch at Applebee's I was completely unable to touch (but ate for breakfast in the car the next morning) (in that order, yes) and a weirdly relentless cold complete with drippy nose, I'm sure I made a pretty impressive first impression. By which I mean, of course, I did not.
Al did make me a completely adorable cake, though. ♥
March 28th, Saturday
We awoke at 4:15 am, said our goodbyes, and left for Wal-Mart for heavy medication (she for a merciless toothache, me for aforementioned cold) and copious amounts of junk food.
The very first leg of the trip led us through the mountains of Arizona. Allie does not like driving through the mountains of Arizona. As soon as I took over the wheel at Flagstaff, however, I was treated with the flattest, most beautifully maintained road I'd ever driven in my life. We decided this was pretty unfair. Until I was pulled over by a cop near the Arizona/New Mexico state line for cruising happily in the passing lane for way too many miles. Cop insisted we were smuggling dope into the Midwest or something. Wanted to bring in the dogs until we insisted we would love to meet some puppies. Then he let us go with a "warning."
Arizona has a lot of tourist traps with concrete tepees near them. I know they all sell the same bullshit, but I want to stop at every one of them. Lather, rinse and repeat in New Mexico.
Much of New Mexico is breathtakingly beautiful. A lot of it, however, looks like this:
We tried to finish New Mexico, get through Texas and and sleep somewhere in Oklahoma. New Mexico had other ideas, ideas involving being parked on I-40 for hours behind A TRUCK FULL OF BEES.
Pictured: OH MY FUCK BEES.
The reason for this? I-40 went down to one lane and this caused everyone to completely loose their shit, apparently. It made me very angry. I wanted to speak to a manager. :/
We decided to give up and find somewhere to stay for the night rather than trying to make it through Texas. Crashed at a Holiday Inn Express, grabbed some Subway and called it a night.
March 29th, Sunday
Slept in so we could take advantage of Holiday Inn's dodgy free breakfast, which we didn't realize was dodgy until Oklahoma when Al noticed she was making the "wrong color" poop. Not all scrambled eggs can be trusted.
This is what Texas looks like.
Except for when it looks like this.
We weren't in Texas very long. Just long enough for a drawly gas station attendant take a shine to me and mischarge our SlimJims in our favor.
Oklahoma was not particularly interesting. Stopped at a Burger King in Yukon where we had a piece of Butterfinger creme pie. Seemed worth mentioning.
Al took the keys after I nearly got us killed in Joplin, Missouri, and didn't let me drive again until we got to Michigan.
Missouri has a LOT of sex stores. Massive billboards along I-44 advertise at least half a dozen "Adult Superstores" and "Adult Video XXX" off the freeway. Maybe there is nothing else to do in Missouri.
Slept at another Holiday Inn in Rolla, Missouri after the car begins to shake suspiciously.
March 30, Monday
Birthday sex and more questionable free breakfast. There was nothing wrong with MY poop, so I went for the eggs. I live in the fast lane, I know.
Crossed the Mississippi:
Was not impressed.
As soon as we crossed into Illinois, the car began to shake, rattle and roll violently enough to make us pull over and briefly panic. We put it on cruise and it behaved for a while, so we continued on through Illinois. Our first pit stop for gas poop landed us in a town with only one gas station, by name of Casey's. Al inherently distrusted Casey and his folksy Midwestern general store gas, but I convinced her to stop with my very best Margie Gunderson impression, and it turned out Casey's was kind of the best place ever. They had breakfast pizza and carrot cake donuts, sixlets and WALL-E Belly Washers.
It was a pleasure doing business with you, Casey
Stopped for service in Terra Haute, Indiana to see if we could do something about the car and any related stress-induced pants shitting. Looked for a Wal-Mart but settled for a Midas, and it's lucky we did. We asked to have the transmission looked at to the tune of $100, but A fine upstanding bearded gentleman by the name of Jeff pointed out a fairly obvious gaping hole in a hose and offered to fix it for $16.04.
Pictured: Trusting the Midas touch, and watching Martha Stewart.
Car remained problem free until about Ann Arbor-ish, MI. Jeff from Terra Haute, I salute you!
Stopped at a classy gas station outside Terra Haute and bought Al a present from the vending machine in the ladies room.
I don't think she liked it. :(
Also? The In God We Trust plates in Indiana are kind of annoying.
Drove 2,000 miles across the country and didn't get lost until we got to Michigan. I know. The car had started shaking again and we were nearing Detroit and we got a little scared, but I called my daddy and he map quested us home to Macomb County, were we had delicious birthday dinner at Chili's and went home to Bob, who was completely flipping his shit, poor kitty.
It was an adventure and all, but I don't think we'll be doing it ever again.
Ever.
March 27th, Friday
I woke up at the kind of ungodly hour I usually reserve for...not yet being asleep at. By the time I arrived in Arizona and accounted for the three hour time difference, I was pretty comatose. Include a huge breakfast at the 5 and Diner where I briefly met Sam, Al's local BFF, an early showing of Coraline, a trip to the World Wildlife Zoo where I was sexually harrassed by giraffes:
and where they house otters from The Future. It's important to note that otters from The Future have achieved the art of complete camouflage by means of invisibility. It was pretty impressive.
Follow this with ridiculously delicious and peanutbuttery ice cream at Coldstone, a huge lunch at Applebee's I was completely unable to touch (but ate for breakfast in the car the next morning) (in that order, yes) and a weirdly relentless cold complete with drippy nose, I'm sure I made a pretty impressive first impression. By which I mean, of course, I did not.
Al did make me a completely adorable cake, though. ♥
March 28th, Saturday
We awoke at 4:15 am, said our goodbyes, and left for Wal-Mart for heavy medication (she for a merciless toothache, me for aforementioned cold) and copious amounts of junk food.
The very first leg of the trip led us through the mountains of Arizona. Allie does not like driving through the mountains of Arizona. As soon as I took over the wheel at Flagstaff, however, I was treated with the flattest, most beautifully maintained road I'd ever driven in my life. We decided this was pretty unfair. Until I was pulled over by a cop near the Arizona/New Mexico state line for cruising happily in the passing lane for way too many miles. Cop insisted we were smuggling dope into the Midwest or something. Wanted to bring in the dogs until we insisted we would love to meet some puppies. Then he let us go with a "warning."
Arizona has a lot of tourist traps with concrete tepees near them. I know they all sell the same bullshit, but I want to stop at every one of them. Lather, rinse and repeat in New Mexico.
Much of New Mexico is breathtakingly beautiful. A lot of it, however, looks like this:
We tried to finish New Mexico, get through Texas and and sleep somewhere in Oklahoma. New Mexico had other ideas, ideas involving being parked on I-40 for hours behind A TRUCK FULL OF BEES.
Pictured: OH MY FUCK BEES.
The reason for this? I-40 went down to one lane and this caused everyone to completely loose their shit, apparently. It made me very angry. I wanted to speak to a manager. :/
We decided to give up and find somewhere to stay for the night rather than trying to make it through Texas. Crashed at a Holiday Inn Express, grabbed some Subway and called it a night.
March 29th, Sunday
Slept in so we could take advantage of Holiday Inn's dodgy free breakfast, which we didn't realize was dodgy until Oklahoma when Al noticed she was making the "wrong color" poop. Not all scrambled eggs can be trusted.
This is what Texas looks like.
Except for when it looks like this.
We weren't in Texas very long. Just long enough for a drawly gas station attendant take a shine to me and mischarge our SlimJims in our favor.
Oklahoma was not particularly interesting. Stopped at a Burger King in Yukon where we had a piece of Butterfinger creme pie. Seemed worth mentioning.
Al took the keys after I nearly got us killed in Joplin, Missouri, and didn't let me drive again until we got to Michigan.
Missouri has a LOT of sex stores. Massive billboards along I-44 advertise at least half a dozen "Adult Superstores" and "Adult Video XXX" off the freeway. Maybe there is nothing else to do in Missouri.
Slept at another Holiday Inn in Rolla, Missouri after the car begins to shake suspiciously.
March 30, Monday
Birthday sex and more questionable free breakfast. There was nothing wrong with MY poop, so I went for the eggs. I live in the fast lane, I know.
Crossed the Mississippi:
Was not impressed.
As soon as we crossed into Illinois, the car began to shake, rattle and roll violently enough to make us pull over and briefly panic. We put it on cruise and it behaved for a while, so we continued on through Illinois. Our first pit stop for gas poop landed us in a town with only one gas station, by name of Casey's. Al inherently distrusted Casey and his folksy Midwestern general store gas, but I convinced her to stop with my very best Margie Gunderson impression, and it turned out Casey's was kind of the best place ever. They had breakfast pizza and carrot cake donuts, sixlets and WALL-E Belly Washers.
It was a pleasure doing business with you, Casey
Stopped for service in Terra Haute, Indiana to see if we could do something about the car and any related stress-induced pants shitting. Looked for a Wal-Mart but settled for a Midas, and it's lucky we did. We asked to have the transmission looked at to the tune of $100, but A fine upstanding bearded gentleman by the name of Jeff pointed out a fairly obvious gaping hole in a hose and offered to fix it for $16.04.
Pictured: Trusting the Midas touch, and watching Martha Stewart.
Car remained problem free until about Ann Arbor-ish, MI. Jeff from Terra Haute, I salute you!
Stopped at a classy gas station outside Terra Haute and bought Al a present from the vending machine in the ladies room.
I don't think she liked it. :(
Also? The In God We Trust plates in Indiana are kind of annoying.
Drove 2,000 miles across the country and didn't get lost until we got to Michigan. I know. The car had started shaking again and we were nearing Detroit and we got a little scared, but I called my daddy and he map quested us home to Macomb County, were we had delicious birthday dinner at Chili's and went home to Bob, who was completely flipping his shit, poor kitty.
It was an adventure and all, but I don't think we'll be doing it ever again.
Ever.