...so much for my happy ending
wow i love the new avril lavigne cd, it rocks, damn im really commercial...thats a lite note
so much shit has happened that i cant get myself to write anything. anything good that is. it feels like i havent written a play in years, a story, a poem in months. my own problems are sucking me dry it feels like and i dont want to face them. ive lost so much and gained so much all at the same time and if i write all this shit down it'll be even more of a reality that im facing. the situation with tai is so surreal, so unbelievably unbelievable. that whole thing. the whole "joke" and everything that happened that nite. i know too much about it to write it down here and its too fucked up to go thru it one more time, b/c if i talk about it one more time i'll kill myself. he tried to justify it though. he tried to give valid excuses that i eventually made into an unrealistic logic and i have no doubt that he was left stuck...speechless. he told me he was drunk and didnt mean any of it, that he loved me and didnt want to hurt me. i loved how he eventually flipped it around to make it seem like i dont want to be with him and make me feel guilty. all he tells me is lies and it shows through. im not a dumb twit, who the fuck does he play me for?? this hurts, like really hurts and it cant be taken away, b/c even if we did get back together, it wont be the same. i cant trust him. i'll always have the doubt in my mind and i'll constantly be question. i felt it was all bullshit. the fact that he always cared and he wants to be with me. i think he imed me for 3 reasons:
1) he's doing it to clear his conscious cuz he feels really fucked up.
2) he wants to see me react so he could laugh with his friends and tell them how much he "twists me around his finger".
3) he realizes wut he had with me was a good thing and how he lost that and he honestly regrets wut he did. mom said he eventually would feel that. i need to believe thats the reason. i want that to be the reason. i want him to miss me and want to be with me so much that it kills him, cuz the sad thing is, is that I miss him and I want to be with him cuz it kills ME. it sux that i want to forgive him, i want to trust him, i want things to go back like how it was in the beginning...where i was high and couldn't believe i was with a person like that...when i knew the good in him, only the good and wanted to dig deep into the bad that i cud except and deal with. because the truth was, i felt i was ready for anything. i wanted to know him, all of him. the good, the bad and the ugly. and now that im looking back, im remembering when he said he didn't want me to see the bad...im sitting here thinking, was the bad the lies? he told me in the past he did it alot; saying stupid stuff-to his mom and all and now that im putting 2 and 2 together, he's capable of doing it now right? wut wud make me so different, so special that he wudnt lie to me? and the thing that kills me, things dont come easy and u shud work for wut u want, if u really wanted something bad enough, you'd go out and get it...then im thinking about how ppl give up so quickly. lets say he did care, and he did want me back, he's just thinking that he fucked up, i wont forgive him, so theres no point of trying, and that makes me mad. WORK FOR ME DAMMIT! ARENT I WORTH IT? i want to talk to him so bad....and i hate that fact. i want to hear his voice as pathetic that sounds. b/c if gotten past the anger and rage and the I HATE U stage, and now im missing him and dont kno wut to do now that he threw me that curve ball..that he "loves me". i was thinking today how everyones a liar...in some way or another, esp guys. one minute there someone who u can trust and the next minute there not worth a damn. there so complicated and so emotionally detacthed. its like how can u live like that?? it seems like my 3 friends are connected. nic and george and how there relationship was all an illusion and how she thought he cared about her as much as she did him. glenn and "troy" or shall i say monica. that blew my mind today. and i kno shes going threw some tough shit, for 2 years thinking ur love is someone only to find out that person doesnt exists..what!!. i cudnt cope i know she feels like her whole world is crashing in, i feel it too, for my situation and hers, im not even going thru that and i feel the depth of her pain. and me....my illusion in thinking my relationship was perfect and i was in a dream... well i guess i finally woke up. but its like i need to live in that dream, in that fantasy. cuz fantasy is so much more better than reality, its just too perfect, thats wut makes it so incredibly weird
so much shit has happened that i cant get myself to write anything. anything good that is. it feels like i havent written a play in years, a story, a poem in months. my own problems are sucking me dry it feels like and i dont want to face them. ive lost so much and gained so much all at the same time and if i write all this shit down it'll be even more of a reality that im facing. the situation with tai is so surreal, so unbelievably unbelievable. that whole thing. the whole "joke" and everything that happened that nite. i know too much about it to write it down here and its too fucked up to go thru it one more time, b/c if i talk about it one more time i'll kill myself. he tried to justify it though. he tried to give valid excuses that i eventually made into an unrealistic logic and i have no doubt that he was left stuck...speechless. he told me he was drunk and didnt mean any of it, that he loved me and didnt want to hurt me. i loved how he eventually flipped it around to make it seem like i dont want to be with him and make me feel guilty. all he tells me is lies and it shows through. im not a dumb twit, who the fuck does he play me for?? this hurts, like really hurts and it cant be taken away, b/c even if we did get back together, it wont be the same. i cant trust him. i'll always have the doubt in my mind and i'll constantly be question. i felt it was all bullshit. the fact that he always cared and he wants to be with me. i think he imed me for 3 reasons:
1) he's doing it to clear his conscious cuz he feels really fucked up.
2) he wants to see me react so he could laugh with his friends and tell them how much he "twists me around his finger".
3) he realizes wut he had with me was a good thing and how he lost that and he honestly regrets wut he did. mom said he eventually would feel that. i need to believe thats the reason. i want that to be the reason. i want him to miss me and want to be with me so much that it kills him, cuz the sad thing is, is that I miss him and I want to be with him cuz it kills ME. it sux that i want to forgive him, i want to trust him, i want things to go back like how it was in the beginning...where i was high and couldn't believe i was with a person like that...when i knew the good in him, only the good and wanted to dig deep into the bad that i cud except and deal with. because the truth was, i felt i was ready for anything. i wanted to know him, all of him. the good, the bad and the ugly. and now that im looking back, im remembering when he said he didn't want me to see the bad...im sitting here thinking, was the bad the lies? he told me in the past he did it alot; saying stupid stuff-to his mom and all and now that im putting 2 and 2 together, he's capable of doing it now right? wut wud make me so different, so special that he wudnt lie to me? and the thing that kills me, things dont come easy and u shud work for wut u want, if u really wanted something bad enough, you'd go out and get it...then im thinking about how ppl give up so quickly. lets say he did care, and he did want me back, he's just thinking that he fucked up, i wont forgive him, so theres no point of trying, and that makes me mad. WORK FOR ME DAMMIT! ARENT I WORTH IT? i want to talk to him so bad....and i hate that fact. i want to hear his voice as pathetic that sounds. b/c if gotten past the anger and rage and the I HATE U stage, and now im missing him and dont kno wut to do now that he threw me that curve ball..that he "loves me". i was thinking today how everyones a liar...in some way or another, esp guys. one minute there someone who u can trust and the next minute there not worth a damn. there so complicated and so emotionally detacthed. its like how can u live like that?? it seems like my 3 friends are connected. nic and george and how there relationship was all an illusion and how she thought he cared about her as much as she did him. glenn and "troy" or shall i say monica. that blew my mind today. and i kno shes going threw some tough shit, for 2 years thinking ur love is someone only to find out that person doesnt exists..what!!. i cudnt cope i know she feels like her whole world is crashing in, i feel it too, for my situation and hers, im not even going thru that and i feel the depth of her pain. and me....my illusion in thinking my relationship was perfect and i was in a dream... well i guess i finally woke up. but its like i need to live in that dream, in that fantasy. cuz fantasy is so much more better than reality, its just too perfect, thats wut makes it so incredibly weird