Australia, Zero Points
Eurovision Round Up, Kats and Kittens. Need I warn that Eurovision entries are not epilepsy safe, safe for work, or safe for people of refined tastes?
Anyway.
There's a formula you need, in my opion, to produce a truly awesome Eurovision act. A good song, performed well, is not enough. You must have theatre. Kitsch. You must be ethically neutral, but still sending nods home to your peeps, both your home country and the other members of your cultural bloc. But most of all, you must be entertaining. You don't actually have to be good at singing, or play your own instruments. In fact, actually being musically compentent can ruin the whole thing, making you bland and boring, another grey smear on a night of 25 acts all trying to capture the attention of Europe.
I'm eschewing Youtube clips, as the quality is not a patch on the SBS feeds. It's worth following the links through.
I'd like to start with what, to me, was the highlight of the night: Azerbaijan's maiden entry. To summarise, it's an epic battle about good and evil, replete with afro-sporting lycra jumpsuit angels, silver fauxhawks and a collapsible Throne of Eternal Evil (portable version). They placed 8th, suprisingly enough, but evidently they studied the formula. It's all there - the terrible, retro-riffic costumes, the vocal nightmare of screeched high notes, the universal themes of forgiveness and damnation. The saw subtle, decided it wasn't for them, and got a bunch of retired ethnic Azeri drag queens to do set design. These guys put in a celestial effort. I'm glad they didn't win, because the song itself was terrible, but they were among the most Eurovision of the acts this year.
Also worthy of mention is the entry from Bosnia and Herzegovina, replete with knitting brides, a washing line, and a male lead who reminded me a lot of Tim Minchin. Probably the terrible hair and smeary eyeliner. They also followed the formula, but with some restraint and a relatively good song. They placed 10th, which is what trying to be subtle and skilled will get you here.
Likewise France, who kind of went for this whole Manson-family shabby-chic thing with beared lady backup singers, a golf cart and helium filled globe. Actually, I quite liked their act, but it was a bit restrained for Eurovision.
No such problems with the Latvian act, a group called Pirates of the Sea, singing a song called Wolves of the Sea, who unsurprisingly have a bit of a pirate fetish going on. The lead male singer seems to realize the magnitude of the career suicide he's committing about half way into it, and develops this rictus of terror beneath the smile that makes it all worth while.
At the other end of the scale is, as always, the United Kingdom's entry. C'mon guys, you know better than to submit an actual musician to Eurovision! The UK went for a catchy little Motown number. Actually, it was very Motown. Their background colour and staging was good, but really, there wasn't anything captivating about the act, and Isreal did motown in 2006 and it got them nowhere too. Quit crying into your tea about block voting and get some retired East End drag queens to do your set design next year.
Also bad were the Finnish folk music featuring the cleanest men in hair metal, Sweden's amazing monochromatic Tzimisce, Turkey's answer to Matchbox 20 and the German low-rent Spice Girls. Really, Germany, just because you get automatic entry doesn't mean you shouldn't put a bit of effort in.
I think the Georgian singer may have been blind. And didn't the Portugeuse lead singer win the first Australian Idol? Actually, I shouldn't pick on her, since even though she was the lead, the lighting guys kept sliding the spot off her as if she were one of the many larger backup singers that the contest traditionally has stand alone at the back of the stage, in the dark.
The Ukrainians seem to have channelled Our Kylie a lot, and have prospered, making 2nd place and topping the Australian Special Vote over at SBS. Unsurprisingly.
Overall, I'd say it was a bit of a dishwater year. A bit watery and drab, with the occasional scary lump. Hopefully next year will have a bit more pizazz.
Anyway.
There's a formula you need, in my opion, to produce a truly awesome Eurovision act. A good song, performed well, is not enough. You must have theatre. Kitsch. You must be ethically neutral, but still sending nods home to your peeps, both your home country and the other members of your cultural bloc. But most of all, you must be entertaining. You don't actually have to be good at singing, or play your own instruments. In fact, actually being musically compentent can ruin the whole thing, making you bland and boring, another grey smear on a night of 25 acts all trying to capture the attention of Europe.
I'm eschewing Youtube clips, as the quality is not a patch on the SBS feeds. It's worth following the links through.
I'd like to start with what, to me, was the highlight of the night: Azerbaijan's maiden entry. To summarise, it's an epic battle about good and evil, replete with afro-sporting lycra jumpsuit angels, silver fauxhawks and a collapsible Throne of Eternal Evil (portable version). They placed 8th, suprisingly enough, but evidently they studied the formula. It's all there - the terrible, retro-riffic costumes, the vocal nightmare of screeched high notes, the universal themes of forgiveness and damnation. The saw subtle, decided it wasn't for them, and got a bunch of retired ethnic Azeri drag queens to do set design. These guys put in a celestial effort. I'm glad they didn't win, because the song itself was terrible, but they were among the most Eurovision of the acts this year.
Also worthy of mention is the entry from Bosnia and Herzegovina, replete with knitting brides, a washing line, and a male lead who reminded me a lot of Tim Minchin. Probably the terrible hair and smeary eyeliner. They also followed the formula, but with some restraint and a relatively good song. They placed 10th, which is what trying to be subtle and skilled will get you here.
Likewise France, who kind of went for this whole Manson-family shabby-chic thing with beared lady backup singers, a golf cart and helium filled globe. Actually, I quite liked their act, but it was a bit restrained for Eurovision.
No such problems with the Latvian act, a group called Pirates of the Sea, singing a song called Wolves of the Sea, who unsurprisingly have a bit of a pirate fetish going on. The lead male singer seems to realize the magnitude of the career suicide he's committing about half way into it, and develops this rictus of terror beneath the smile that makes it all worth while.
At the other end of the scale is, as always, the United Kingdom's entry. C'mon guys, you know better than to submit an actual musician to Eurovision! The UK went for a catchy little Motown number. Actually, it was very Motown. Their background colour and staging was good, but really, there wasn't anything captivating about the act, and Isreal did motown in 2006 and it got them nowhere too. Quit crying into your tea about block voting and get some retired East End drag queens to do your set design next year.
Also bad were the Finnish folk music featuring the cleanest men in hair metal, Sweden's amazing monochromatic Tzimisce, Turkey's answer to Matchbox 20 and the German low-rent Spice Girls. Really, Germany, just because you get automatic entry doesn't mean you shouldn't put a bit of effort in.
I think the Georgian singer may have been blind. And didn't the Portugeuse lead singer win the first Australian Idol? Actually, I shouldn't pick on her, since even though she was the lead, the lighting guys kept sliding the spot off her as if she were one of the many larger backup singers that the contest traditionally has stand alone at the back of the stage, in the dark.
The Ukrainians seem to have channelled Our Kylie a lot, and have prospered, making 2nd place and topping the Australian Special Vote over at SBS. Unsurprisingly.
Overall, I'd say it was a bit of a dishwater year. A bit watery and drab, with the occasional scary lump. Hopefully next year will have a bit more pizazz.