A shattered dream
This update is going to be..... long..... to say the least. It will most likely be the complete work of an entire day's worth of writing. I'm not sure what to say or how to say it anymore..... some of you will understand the things I am going to say.... some of you will cock your heads and say "WTF???" But it doesn't matter anymore.... I've been living in the "WTF???" state for the past month or more.
First... I'd like to thank Wesley for his stirring eulogy to my dying heart. But, truth be told.... it's not quite dead yet... it beats on... although it now bares a scar deeper than I even thought my heart was large. How do you find the words to bring light to the darkness of broken trust? Was it my fault? Was it yours? I don't remember anymore... but something was lost. Emotion was ignited and words singed and seared like the flames of a raging fire. Spontaneous human combustion... My heart ignited by you; flames reaching out to blaze in your eyes. But you turned your eyes away... and the flames were left to consume my own soul. What went wrong? Was it something I said? Was it something you did? Was it something we forgot? Do you really hate me, now? Have I made it easier for you? I lied and said that darkness was at hand... I said I was returning to the empty nothing, and as I stood at the gates... I heard a voice. I turned to see who would call out to an empty shell, barely visible to the human heart. There was no one. I heard the voice again, and again there was nothing. My own heart begging forgiveness; pulling back and tearing itself open. Perhaps I'm not really invisible... perhaps I'm just blind. A light shatters the darkness and I know that I can't enter through the doors. I'm staying here because my feelings haven't changed. I want the trust back. I want it all to go back to the way it was. Before now; before then. Before the cries, and before the sorrow. I want the smiles. I want the laughter. I want the honesty, not the lies. I want the light, not the darkness. So much has happened since before, and you're pushing me further away. Are you scared? Or is it truth? Dying and living, day-to-day the cycle of life repeats continuously. Cryptic phrases laced with poisonous sugar. It's driving me mad and I want more of it. The way it tastes; the way it burns; the way it lifts me higher and sends me crashing down. I crave more of its danger, devouring every moment of its dramatic risks. Sending out the cries, these words fall too late upon your heart... By the time you're reading this, it is too late... time has soured my angst into your soul. It is dried and hardened and there is nothing that I can say or do to make you understand. Would you want to understand? Or would you turn a deaf ear? Silence devours the soul and I'm fallen. Lying broken in the dirt of a thousand unfelt emotions. This is who I am... Unloved and unlovable, I am shattered and bleeding... waiting for you to use me again. Play your games; have your fun; walk over me like you always did. Make me smile with agony and twist my soul. Bring purpose back to my life and give me reason to live. Have another laugh at my expense. Roll your eyes at my foolishness. Blame me for everything that goes wrong and let me bare the burden of insecurity.
No more lies. Anger rise and carry me on the blazing wings of the Phoenix. Consume me whole and devour all emotion. I feel the fire, burrning all that I have inside. Is it love or is it hate? I can hardly tell anymore. I slip into dream, and see you standing before me. I slit your throat and watch you bleed. Crimson... staining my thoughts; covering my hands. Get out of my dream! Why won't you go away? Why can't I escape this place? Fall to the ground. Hold your lifeless body close to mine, cry for death, and pray forgiveness. Tears fall upon your face and shatter the empty shell that remains a part of the dream. Hold the shards of the broken past, tearing flesh and scarring thought. Blood like midnight, dark and evil, my own, falls to the ground like snow; frozen by a bitter heart. Weakened in every form, I stand to walk away... to walk away from the bloody, broken mess. To walk away from every regret. To walk away from you, or the visionary dream that was.
Keep walking and don't look back. Keep moving; don't stop. Forget it and move on. My thoughts pull me back, my body lingers. Feet stumble and I fall to the ground. Breathless, I'm lying tattered and torn. Rise again and pull myself up straight. Motionless I stand... Don't do it... don't look back. First one motion, then another, and I turn to look back to where you rest and it is finished. Open the doors to ambiguity and loose my grip. Now I'm here, falling deeper. And one final word rings out in the piercing darkness. Hate me when I say, and kill me again when you hear, "I'm sorry"
First... I'd like to thank Wesley for his stirring eulogy to my dying heart. But, truth be told.... it's not quite dead yet... it beats on... although it now bares a scar deeper than I even thought my heart was large. How do you find the words to bring light to the darkness of broken trust? Was it my fault? Was it yours? I don't remember anymore... but something was lost. Emotion was ignited and words singed and seared like the flames of a raging fire. Spontaneous human combustion... My heart ignited by you; flames reaching out to blaze in your eyes. But you turned your eyes away... and the flames were left to consume my own soul. What went wrong? Was it something I said? Was it something you did? Was it something we forgot? Do you really hate me, now? Have I made it easier for you? I lied and said that darkness was at hand... I said I was returning to the empty nothing, and as I stood at the gates... I heard a voice. I turned to see who would call out to an empty shell, barely visible to the human heart. There was no one. I heard the voice again, and again there was nothing. My own heart begging forgiveness; pulling back and tearing itself open. Perhaps I'm not really invisible... perhaps I'm just blind. A light shatters the darkness and I know that I can't enter through the doors. I'm staying here because my feelings haven't changed. I want the trust back. I want it all to go back to the way it was. Before now; before then. Before the cries, and before the sorrow. I want the smiles. I want the laughter. I want the honesty, not the lies. I want the light, not the darkness. So much has happened since before, and you're pushing me further away. Are you scared? Or is it truth? Dying and living, day-to-day the cycle of life repeats continuously. Cryptic phrases laced with poisonous sugar. It's driving me mad and I want more of it. The way it tastes; the way it burns; the way it lifts me higher and sends me crashing down. I crave more of its danger, devouring every moment of its dramatic risks. Sending out the cries, these words fall too late upon your heart... By the time you're reading this, it is too late... time has soured my angst into your soul. It is dried and hardened and there is nothing that I can say or do to make you understand. Would you want to understand? Or would you turn a deaf ear? Silence devours the soul and I'm fallen. Lying broken in the dirt of a thousand unfelt emotions. This is who I am... Unloved and unlovable, I am shattered and bleeding... waiting for you to use me again. Play your games; have your fun; walk over me like you always did. Make me smile with agony and twist my soul. Bring purpose back to my life and give me reason to live. Have another laugh at my expense. Roll your eyes at my foolishness. Blame me for everything that goes wrong and let me bare the burden of insecurity.
No more lies. Anger rise and carry me on the blazing wings of the Phoenix. Consume me whole and devour all emotion. I feel the fire, burrning all that I have inside. Is it love or is it hate? I can hardly tell anymore. I slip into dream, and see you standing before me. I slit your throat and watch you bleed. Crimson... staining my thoughts; covering my hands. Get out of my dream! Why won't you go away? Why can't I escape this place? Fall to the ground. Hold your lifeless body close to mine, cry for death, and pray forgiveness. Tears fall upon your face and shatter the empty shell that remains a part of the dream. Hold the shards of the broken past, tearing flesh and scarring thought. Blood like midnight, dark and evil, my own, falls to the ground like snow; frozen by a bitter heart. Weakened in every form, I stand to walk away... to walk away from the bloody, broken mess. To walk away from every regret. To walk away from you, or the visionary dream that was.
Keep walking and don't look back. Keep moving; don't stop. Forget it and move on. My thoughts pull me back, my body lingers. Feet stumble and I fall to the ground. Breathless, I'm lying tattered and torn. Rise again and pull myself up straight. Motionless I stand... Don't do it... don't look back. First one motion, then another, and I turn to look back to where you rest and it is finished. Open the doors to ambiguity and loose my grip. Now I'm here, falling deeper. And one final word rings out in the piercing darkness. Hate me when I say, and kill me again when you hear, "I'm sorry"