Jay-Z: "...Only God can judge me, so I'm gone. Either love me, or leave me alone."

[jiggymarie]

"...Now before I finish, let me just say I did not come here to show out, did not come here to impress you. Because to tell you the truth when I leave here I'm gone. And I don't care what you think about me -- but just remember, when it hits the fan brother, whether it's next year, ten years, twenty years from now, you'll never be able to say that these brothers lied to you jack..."

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Sigh... I'm sad that it's come to this.

I haven't updated for a really long time. I get that way sometimes. It's just that I don't really like having my life under a microscope, and that's what it's felt like lately. So, writing about my daily activities in my journal (for everyone to see) has been less than appealing to me. And, I've never really liked sharing anything too personal anyway. But, I'm in a strange place right now, and I feel like this is the best way to express myself. And, maybe being brutally honest and straight forward is the only way to get things straightened out, so we can all just move on. So, here it is... this is the most that you'll ever get out of me, so take it for all that you can. And then, I'm not going to have to talk about it anymore (I hope.)


I used to think I knew exactly what was going on. It was presented to me in black and white, and I thought I had no room to question. But, after careful consideration... I've decided that maybe everything isn't so clear. Someone is telling stories and skewing facts. And, I used to think I knew exactly who that was, but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's a little bit of everyone. But, I'M the only one that knows exactly what goes on in MY life. I'M the only one that knows what I've said, what I've done, who I've talked to, what I've told them, what they've told me, and what's important to me. And, I'm ok with myself. So, if you've heard something, I challenge you to check your gossip before you spread it.

So, I've decided to make this general statement:
My life is no longer a topic for conversation. Do not talk ABOUT me, unless you first talk TO me.

In an ideal world, I'd say, "Don't even say my name unless I'm in the conversation with you." But, I know that will never happen, so I'll leave my statement as is.

I'm so tired of finding things out about myself from other people. And, aside from having a press conference to sort it all out... I don't know how to set the record straight. So, I'm left saying, "Leave my life alone."

Every time I turn around, I'm hearing something new about myself. It seems like other people know more about me (who I am, what I say, what I do) than I do. That doesn't seem right. I'm pretty sure that I know myself better than anyone. And, there's a reason for that, other than the obvious. It's because I don't trust most people enough to know about me... which is only confirmed by the shit that I've been hearing lately. I'm amazed everyday by the stuff I hear. And, yes... I've been extremely pissed off at some people. But, based on what I've heard... I had that right. It was my RIGHT to be pissed, and you would be too if you were in my place. So, don't tell me that I was out of line.

BUT, I'm here to say now that maybe facts have been skewed along the way. I'm no longer sure who is responsible for that. Ask 10 different people, and you'll get 10 different stories... none of which match up. I was so pissed because how things were presented to me. Anyone would be angry hearing the shit that I have. And anyone with a little self-respect would try to fight back against that. I've heard some really trashy things about myself, and my natural defense was to lash out at that. I'm not sure who the source of all the nonsense is, but I'm not going to assume anymore... and I'm not going to care, because I know what goes on in my life. And, if the facts have been presented to me wrong, I'm going to take a step back and just let it all go.

I do not want to dive into any of the specifics that started this mess. People are entitled to believe whatever the hell they want. And, I have not forced the issue, because I know that it would be a waste of my time and energy. The people that need to know... know. And, it just doesn't matter to me anymore, because I'm ok with who I am and what's been done.

Despite what you may have heard, I'm over it. I just don't care anymore. I have not tried to force the issue. I have not tried to perpetuate the drama. If I really wanted to make a "thing" out of it, I could have done a lot more, and I would have done it a long time ago. Instead, I just dropped it. Have I personally (directly from me... from my mouth... from my actions... not via outside parties) shown you that I want to continue this game? I don't believe that I have. The fact is that most of the time I go out of my way to avoid dramatic and uncomfortable confrontations. I hate that stuff. I run away from it.

And, I assure you that anything I may have said has been the direct result of the shit that's been fed to me. If it was wrong... well, that happens. Such is life. And, we move on.

My life has never been perfect, but I've learned how to handle that. And, although my life is not perfect right now... I'm ok with where it is. I'm a strong person. I've dealt with stuff much worse than this. If someone is playing a little game and trying to get the best of me... it's not going to work. You're not going to scare me off... you're not going to mess with me... you're not going to use me as an example. Don't try to drag me down just to reassure yourself. I don't know if that's what is really happening or not... I'm just trying to cover all my bases.

I have moved on from mistakes before, and I will move on from this one, because I know I deserve more. I will clarify right now (because it's been brought up with me) that this situation does not control my everyday life. I have so many other things to concern myself with. I do not wake up in the morning thinking about it, and I do not go to bed at night thinking about it. And, the majority of my waking hours are not spent thinking about it. The only times it even enters my mind are when it's brought up with me by someone else. I would be happy if I never had to think about it again, but others are not so kind. And, the reason that I get pissed off so frequently about it is because the things I hear are so ridiculous.

Yes... and when I hear these things... that's when I rant -- ranting that is fueled by a constant barrage of tall-tales and ridiculous accusations. The types of things that anyone would try to thwart. And, I'm sorry if you're one of the people that has had to endure the majority of these rants. It's just because I consider you a close friend, and I thought you could handle it. But, if I was wrong... I apologize. Most people have not had to hear much about it from me, because I don't talk to most people about it unless asked. Of course, there is the occasional regression provoked by an unexpected encounter or possibly a little alcohol. But, that could happen to anyone, and I'm sorry if you've been in the middle of it. As a general rule, it does not control me, because I've got too many other things to think about.

I've picked up the broken pieces of my life before, and I'll do it again. I'm already doing it in this case. I feel really good about my life right now. Sure... I have problems, but it's nothing that I can't handle. I like the place I'm in right now, and at this time I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm pulling the pieces together, and I'm taking care of MYSELF. That's something that I've never done a lot of. I've always been too worried about others, but I'm looking out for my own well-being for a change.

I have good jobs. I'm making money. I'm working hard. I'm paying for my life. I'm focused. I'm motivated. The creative juices are flowing. I'm evaluating my future. My family is no longer paying for my education, but I'm still putting myself through school anyway. I'm exploring options. I have choices when my education is complete. I have good friends that take care of me. I have a brand new car that I'm paying for. I'm balancing work and play. I go out and have great times. I'm meeting new people. I really try to be there when my friends need me. There are so many things that I like about my life right now. And, this stuff from the past does not define me. As far as I'm concerned... it happened, and I learned from it, but now it's forgotten. I have a lot more ahead of me. Things will not always be like this, but the fact is... I LIKE CHANGE. I'm willing to accept things as they come to me and change with them when that time comes. That's how it's always been for me. The fact that I've stuck around here for as long as I have should prove that I'm not going to be scared away anytime soon.

And, so I say, "I'm doing just fine."

Along with changes though, I think it's important to note: MY SOCIAL LIFE IS OFF-LIMITS!

What I do with my social relationships is nobody's business but my own. And, unless you hear it from me... please do not assume anything, please do not perpetuate rumors, please do not discuss it. I will tell you exactly what I want you to know, and other than that... it is not open for discussion. This includes who I have or have not kissed, who I am or am not dating... who I do anything with. BUT... just for the record so it can be left alone already... nothing has happened recently with anyone that any of you know from the theatre department. Is that clear? Whatever you've heard or think you know... FORGET IT! It never happened. Nothing at any cast party, nothing at ACTF, nothing elsewhere. There were no deals made, there were no discussions that any of you need to know about. And, I know you all know who I'm talking about, because I hear something about it everyday. I'm just sick of it. I was baffled to hear certain things, because they were just SO FAR out of left field.

I am by no means sitting at home though. I like to go out and have a good time. I'm young, and for the first time in my life I'm playing like it. I am enjoying single right now. I got into a relationship that was way too intense way too quickly, and I'm not looking for that again any time soon. It did not turn out well. Now, I'm giving the casual thing a chance. And, the details of that will remain undisclosed until I'm ready, or have something significant to share. Do not misconstrue this proclivity to a party life though. I don't want to hear anything about me being a "slut" or whatever conclusion someone might derive from it. I'm just having my fun while I'm young and have a chance. And, unless you've actually been out with me... I don't want to hear any wacky interpretations of that fact. The truth remains that I have an entire other life that the theatre department is separate from, so anyone that tries to analyze me purely based on what they have heard, know, and see... well, it's just plain foolish.

So, for the record, let me make a few things clear as day. It'll be repetitive so that hopefully they won't have to be brought up anymore:

• I'm over it.
  
• I've moved on.
  
• I'm happy with my life.
  
• I'm not going to believe anything that anyone tells me from now on, unless I witness it for myself.
  
• I would appreciate everyone doing the same for me.
  
• Most of the rumors you've heard about me are warped.
  
• Someone out there is twisted and making up ridiculous claims about me.
  
• I no longer care who it is; I just want it to stop.
  
• I'm not holding anything against anyone.
  
• I think each and every one of us has been fed some line of bullshit by someone else to egg this ridiculous game on. We're all guilty of it.
  
• I do not now, nor have I ever belonged in a mental institution.
  
• I am not now, nor have I ever been an alcoholic.
  
• I am not now, nor have I ever been an obsessive crazy girl.
  
• I am not now, nor have I ever been out to maliciously ruin anyone's life.
  
• I am not now, nor have I ever crafted secret dealings to control anyone.
  
• I am not currently dating, or soon planning on dating, anyone that any of you know.
  
• But, if I do... that's MY business.
  
• My past is a part of who I am, but it alone does not define me.
  
• To my "friends": I see you when you roll your eyes at me, and I know when you talk about me. I don't appreciate it. If the situation were reversed, I'd never do that to you.
  
• Don't try to rub things in or make me jealous. It's just a waste of energy, because I don't care. It doesn't bother me.
  
• Do not talk about me "behind my back" when I'm in the room and 10 feet away from you. It's rude and disrespectful.
  
• I'm not going to run away yet. I've been doing that my entire life when things get bad.
  
• My social relationships are off limits for discussion.
  
• If someone tells you something about me, don't believe it. I don't care if it's something as inane as, "Kristina's eyes are blue." Don't believe it until you come look me in the eye and see for yourself.

So, now... can't we all just move on and forget about this? I went an entire month of vacation without worrying about any of this. I thought it was over. And, now it feels like it's been thrust upon me again without any real reason. It even seemed like certain parties were getting along just fine for awhile there, and then out of nowhere... it was back to the same ol' petty ways. I just want to move on to other things without having it shoved in my face every time I turn around. I want to be able to hang out in the same room and have the same friends without it being an issue. I have left your life alone, so please do the same for me. And, don't jump to any conclusions about the nature of this post. Take it as a whole... do not pick apart the individual pieces. And take it in good nature. I mean nothing disrespectful by it. I'm just laying all my cards on the table.

The funny thing is... as long as this already is... I'm sure there are things that I'm forgetting. But, when I start ranting, my mind moves faster than my fingers, and I forget stuff in the mix. So, I'll just leave it where it is and hope that most of it is in there somewhere.

Now, that that's over with... you should know that's much more than you will ever get out of me again in this public forum. I don't like doing things in that way, but sometimes it's the best way to reach all appropriate parties with one all-encompassing message.

And now, I would conclude with some trivial, light-hearted details about my day, but I'm sick of typing... and sick of sitting at the computer. But, there are lots of fun and interesting things coming up that I will type about later. Life is fun right now, and I want to return to entries of that nature. "This"... is over.

The end.

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"...I come home in the morning light. My mother says, 'When you gonna live your life right?' Oh mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And, girls they want to have fun. Oh, girls just want to have fun. The phone rings in the middle of the night. My father yells, 'What you gonna do with your life?' Oh daddy dear, you know you're still number one. But, girls they want to have fun. Oh, girls just want to have...That's all they really want -- some fun. When the working day is done, girls -- they want to have fun. Oh, girls just want to have fun. Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world. I want to be the one to walk in the sun. Oh, girls they want to have fun. Oh, girls just want to have... That's all they really want -- some fun. When the working day is done, girls -- they want to have fun. Oh, girls just want to have fun. They want to have fun. They want to have fun..."

--- Cyndi Lauper ---