Time for an Update
I haven't updated in a while and since I have to go grocery shopping, but I am procrastinating on doing so, I figured I would write a much deserved blog entry. I have so much to talk about but don't really know where to start, so I guess I should go with the most obvious and say that Sean and I are back together. It's so crazy, if you would have told me a couple weeks ago that we would be back together, I would have laughed in your face...but it's true. A couple weekends ago I called him because I hadn't heard from him and I found out he was in California with this chick who lives across the complex from me. Him and her have been "friends" since we broke up in October and she asked him to drive her down to LA to visit her family since she is not a very good driver. (right!) Anyway, I called him and asked him if he wanted to go to dinner and he proceeded to tell me that he was in LA and that he would be back on Thursday, he would call me. Of course, I assume that they're fucking.....which really bothered me because the weekend of Jan 20, we were hanging out and having good times (and had some great sex). We had broken up in October but remained friends and so the thought of him with someone else pissed me the fuck off! Anyway, the night he gets back, we went to dinner and he basically told me that he started sleeping with her about a week after we had sex for the last time. He told me that he didnt want to be with her in the beginning, but as they became better friends and the thought of getting back together with me seemed like something that wouldnt and couldnt happen, he gave in. He said he was lonely, and I totally can relate. Anyway, I threw a fit, asked for a to-go box the minute my food came and was out the door. He told me the next day that if I wanted to be with him, he still loved me and blah blah blah. I told him to go home and I would talk to him later.
The next day, I realize how much I love this guy and even though he is far from perfect, he is the nicest man I have ever met in my life and he treats me so wonderfully, that I realize I want to be with him. All of our problems from before stemmed from my inabilities to control my anger and my need to be a constant bitch with him and that maybe, just maybe, if I was willing to take some pro-active steps, we could have a great, functional relationship. I finally tell him that I want to be with him, but home-girl from across the way isn't having it. She tells him that she wants to move in with him and all this stuff and that she will do anything she can to be with him. When Sean realizes how heartbroken she is, he tells me that he is torn between the two of us. He tells me that he loves and cares about me, but he is scared about what might happen if we get back together (let's just say we haven't had the healthiest of relationships)....and that he doesnt want to make the same mistake for the third time. I understand his concern, so I told him that if he wanted to be with me, he needed to let me know by Wed. night when I got home from school. He did, and now we are back together!
Of course there were (are?) some problems that came up....like the bitch across the way. In the past, I was NEVER, EVER insecure about my relationship with Sean. I am a fat chick and he is a good looking guy, but I never ever wondered if he was cheating on me, etc. One of the things that I admire most about this man is that he is always honest, truthful, and faithful. You can imagine my insecurities though knowing that this woman who was fucking my man lives right across the way, right? Imagine how much more pissed off I got when my stalker-esque self checked his call logs and I saw all these incoming messages from this bitch! He didnt text or call her, but then one day I did see some calls from him to her. I shouldn't have been looking and I know I am completely in the wrong, but fuckin' A!I call him out on them and he tells me (which I know is true because he told me about it) that he was inquiring about her dad who is a floor supervisor at some casino (who is trying to juice him in somewhere) and stuff like that. The calls weren't even more than a minute or two long, so I believe him but it is still frustrating and upsetting to know that he is still contacting her. Of course, if he wanted to be with her, he would just be with her so I dont know why I am sweating it anyway. I am just pissed that she keeps on text messaging him (he hasn't texted her in a while) and calling him. At this point, she is being disrespectful and I'm likely to stab a bitch for some shit like this! LoL I mean, the other night Sean and I were headed to the Orleans Arena and he tells me that she informed him of two Lance Burton tickets she had and that did he and I want to go. I'm like, WTF?? She told him, "The only person I want to go with is you and if you won't go with me, then you can just go with Sarah". I was like, uhhhh I have class on Wednesday nights, so no. Sean laughed and said he wasn't a magic person anyway lol
Other than her, things have been great and I am so happy to have him back in my life. I will be honest, I have been pretty depressed up until this past week. I have felt that I have very few friends compared to what my life was like a couple years ago and it's pretty depressing. I seriously felt as though my only friends were Christina, Tim, and JJ. Ocassionally Sean (at the time). Everyone has adult-jobs, families, husbands, etc and it's like...where do I fit in? I have no husband, no kids, and probably wont have either for a while.... I talked to Vanessa about it when I was getting my hair done and she said it's because I never call anyone (why I never go out or anything), which is true...I don't really call people to hang out because I dont want to be an intrusion on people's lives. The people that I *DO* call to hang out usually dont have time for me, so....whatever. So this whole "I have no friends" thing has been bothering me, plus the fact that I have a serious gambling problem that needs to be addressed, a weight problem that seems to be only getting worse, and up until recently, I was HATING my job. I dont know why, I guess I just feel overwhelmed sometimes and when I get zero response from my students, it can make it all the more frustrating! I have decided to work on the positives though in regards to work, so it is getting much better.
School has been just "okay". I am just trying to make it through this semester and then work on my paper this summer so I can be finished with my Masters degree. I know that this is what I signed up for, but I feel like such a slacker because I complain I never have enough time to study, but then when I do, I choose to lay around the house and catch up on shit recorded on my DVR. I have NO MOTIVATION it seems like. Now, with Sean back in my life, for the first time with him I feel truly and deeply in love (you know with the butterflies and all that lol), so of course I want to spend all my spare moments with him.......
My family life is okay I guess except that it's been quite some time since I have talked to my sister Brittany. About a month, in fact. She had to go in the hospital and we got into a fight about some things and it really pissed me off. She thinks the world is so fucking easy and was bitching about how much money she doesn't have, but when I suggested to her to get another job or to try to get a job at a casino where she could make more money, all she did was scoff at me ("I'm not going to work two jobs!" and "I dont want to work graveyards!") about how she was NOT going to do any of the above. I think it's funny how she used to talk shit to me about how I had to borrow money from our mom during my undergraduate during some tough times......even though I was working two jobs most of the time. I guess she is finally getting a dose of reality. I miss her, but I am not going to give in and call her because I feel she was in the wrong and if she wants to talk, she'll call and apologize. I've done nothing but try to help her, but I wont be treated like shit because of her frustrations. Too bad we haven't talked yet, I need someone to clean my house LoL
I guess this is a long enough rant, I should probably go now. I have to go to the grocery store and I haven't even showered yet. Today is Sean's birthday, but he isn't feeling well. I wasn't feeling well yesterday either......but I slept quite a bit and I think I am feeling better. I took him to see Billy Joel the other night at the Orleans and he was SO excited. He likes all that kind of music, like Billy Joel, John Lennon, the Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, etc. I wanted to take him to go see Love at the Mirage (I think?) but tickets were outrageously priced. I got our pair of tickets to Billy Joel (pretty close, might I add!) for 50 BUCKS! It was a private show (charity event), very intimate, and Sean was ecstatic..his first concert for his 30th birthday haha!