On Casting! Spartacus: Blood and Sand
I have no idea what actually goes into casting a television show. I don't know who has a say in who gets casted or who throws ideas for casting out for consideration or who makes the final determination. More importantly, I really don't care. In my head, the following is exactly what happened in the casting meeting for Spartacus: Blood and Sand.
Writer: I HAVE CREATED A SHOW! A SHOW TO MARVEL ZEUS' TEMPLE ON MOUNT OLYMPUS ITSELF! VERILY, THE GODS SMILE ON ME, AND, INDEED, YOU ON THIS GLORIOUS DAY! MAY I PRESENT TO YOU MY HUMBLE LIST OF CHARACTER'S FOR YOUR WIZENED PERUSAL! MAY THE GODS SMILE UPON YOU AS YOU CAST MY MASTER WORK! MAY THE HEAVENS POUR IT'S BLESSINGS UPON YOU AND MY CHISELED, GRIMY GLADIATORS-TO-BE. MAY IT RAIN SWEET OILS AND LINIMENTS...
Director: Someone get this lunatic out of here!
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Then the Director and the Casting Director meet in a room with an overstuffed, slightly dingy couch, as you do, and drink coffee and smoke cigarette's while wearing nicotine patches, to look over character descriptions and discuss ACKTORS!
DIRECTOR: Ok, first off, no uglies and no fatties.
CASTING DIRECTOR: I thought this was a historical drama? Surely there should be a few uglies and fatties.
D: Do you have any idea how many of these people are going to be naked on this show? DO YOU? Lemme tell you....ALL OF THEM! ALL THE TIME!
CD: Ok maybe just a few uglies? For realism.
D: Fine, but everyone better be reasonably well proportioned!
CD: Done. What about the leads?
D: What is your job exactly? Ugh. For Spartacus, get some random who's in good shape that we can do a "She's All That" on. You know scraggy and hairy and wild, with an adorable splash of another man's blood on his forehead but still attractive, then we take off the glasses and cut the hair and BAM! Freddie Prinze Jr. is all over that. Honestly, it doesn't matter because halfway through the series we're all gonna care more about his arch rival than him anyway.
CD: *writes* "Male Rachel Leigh Cook." Ok and our Freddie?
D: Well let's not get too specific here. Ol' Sparty's gotta have a wife. I mean we're gonna have a LOT of T and A but this show is essentially a sausage fest with greased-up, sweaty men wrastlin' around for fun and profit.
CD: I thought they were slaves. I'm not sure how "fun" that is.
D: DON'T QUESTION ME! I'm sure some fun was had. Oh before I forget, throw in a sweet love story between gladiators. Make one a twink with a bird fetish that kills himself after he thinks his lovah leaves him when he really got brutally murdered and betrayed.
CD: THAT'S HORRIBLE!
D: Do as I say! Back to Sparty's wife, can we get someone vaguely Rose Byrne-ish that's willing to be nude for 90% of her brief screen time?
CD: I think so. How about the masters of the Gladiator School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?
D: Hmm....can we get Xena? I mean she's not doing anything lately. She'll do noodz right?
CD: Um, I'll see what I can do?
D: Good, and for her charmingly dangerous husband....Oh hey I saw The Mummy last week on TNT! Can we get that guy?
CD: I wouldn't describe Brenden Frasier as "charming" or "dangerous" (except as box office poison) Hey-Oooo
D: FUCK GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE! I HATE THAT GUY! No, the other one!
CD: The guy from Resident Evil? Yeah he's pretty awesome, I'll see what I can...
D: NO GODDAMIT! The OTHER GUY! The wacky one!
CD: Oh him? Yeah he's probably game. Um, I think he'll sound vaguely Scottish though. Isn't this set in....
D: Just get him! And get that badass elf from Lord of the Rings. And so help me if you say Orlando Bloom.
CD: Haldir?
D: Boo-yah! And get that guy from 300 who screams "THIS IS MADNESS" before Gerry "My Phantom is vastly inferior to the stage version" Butler kicks him over the cliff, to train the recruits.
CD: The messenger with the skulls? Yeah I love that guy!
D: I KNOW RIGHT! We need someone to play a Paris Hiltonesque wack job too. Oh and Xena's main slave girl will eventually have a decent part but her first scene will be to finger Xena. Hope that's cool *shrug* Actually you know what? All these people should be from New Zealand or Australia. And don't sass me on the accents!
CD: "Batshit blondes from Kiwi Country" and "Wordy fingerbangers from Australia" Got it! Ok we still have a ton of hard-bodied gladiators and a zillion extras to cast. Should we just power through these already? I'm way past due for another nicotine patch.
D: Alright, let's hurry this cockfest up. HAHA I said "cock" and "up" in the same sentence!
CD: Heh, Yeah. Good one. >_>
D: I swear by all that is good and pure in this world...
CD: OK WE NEED A GUY WHO WILL RIP OFF HIS OPPONENTS FACE AND WEAR IT AS A MASK!
D: Yeah you better change the subject. Bitch. Sass me...
CD: Can we please?
D: Continue. My apologies.....that you're such a bitch
CD: *sigh* We need approximately 250 extras for the crowd scenes and all the women need to pretend to not notice their titties hanging out. We need at least one couple to fuck in the stands in the midst of screaming spectators. Hmm, there's an orgy scene where lots of vigorously fucking takes place in the background of an important dialogue scene. Uh, we need a couple of stone-faced actresses to bounce on some random dick as commanded.
D: Are Hugh Hefner's girlfriends available?
CD: Um I really don't think...
D: Fine, fine. What a buzzkill you are.
CD: Anyway, we need about 20 dudes who could double as WWE wrestlers. And at least one with bleached blonde boyband hair circa 1999 Justin Timberlake.
D: I KNOW JUST THE GUY!
CD: We need at least one new recruit who is hung like a horse. As written, we'll be able "to see his cock from an eagle's eye view and the eagle will shed a tear at it's beauty"?
D: Not to worry. CGI will be used heavily in this series. We can always add wang length in post.
CD: But apparently he tries to kill Spartacus and gets his dick cut off and crucified for it. We see him sans dick? GOOD LORD WHO WROTE THIS?!
D: So we find a method actor and make that scene make history.
CD: Wait what do you mean by that?
D: Think we can find an actor willing to get his dick cut off for the camera? Is Daniel Day Lewis available? Has he won any Emmy's yet?
CD: You..you mean CGI right? In post?
D: Hmm? Oh, yeah. YEAH, um of course. Damn selfish actors will always ruin my Emmy gold.
CD: Look, you're kinda starting to freak me out Mr. Edlund.
D: Oh you haven't even SEEN freaky yet.
AND SCENE.
Writer: I HAVE CREATED A SHOW! A SHOW TO MARVEL ZEUS' TEMPLE ON MOUNT OLYMPUS ITSELF! VERILY, THE GODS SMILE ON ME, AND, INDEED, YOU ON THIS GLORIOUS DAY! MAY I PRESENT TO YOU MY HUMBLE LIST OF CHARACTER'S FOR YOUR WIZENED PERUSAL! MAY THE GODS SMILE UPON YOU AS YOU CAST MY MASTER WORK! MAY THE HEAVENS POUR IT'S BLESSINGS UPON YOU AND MY CHISELED, GRIMY GLADIATORS-TO-BE. MAY IT RAIN SWEET OILS AND LINIMENTS...
Director: Someone get this lunatic out of here!
------------------------------------------
Then the Director and the Casting Director meet in a room with an overstuffed, slightly dingy couch, as you do, and drink coffee and smoke cigarette's while wearing nicotine patches, to look over character descriptions and discuss ACKTORS!
DIRECTOR: Ok, first off, no uglies and no fatties.
CASTING DIRECTOR: I thought this was a historical drama? Surely there should be a few uglies and fatties.
D: Do you have any idea how many of these people are going to be naked on this show? DO YOU? Lemme tell you....ALL OF THEM! ALL THE TIME!
CD: Ok maybe just a few uglies? For realism.
D: Fine, but everyone better be reasonably well proportioned!
CD: Done. What about the leads?
D: What is your job exactly? Ugh. For Spartacus, get some random who's in good shape that we can do a "She's All That" on. You know scraggy and hairy and wild, with an adorable splash of another man's blood on his forehead but still attractive, then we take off the glasses and cut the hair and BAM! Freddie Prinze Jr. is all over that. Honestly, it doesn't matter because halfway through the series we're all gonna care more about his arch rival than him anyway.
CD: *writes* "Male Rachel Leigh Cook." Ok and our Freddie?
D: Well let's not get too specific here. Ol' Sparty's gotta have a wife. I mean we're gonna have a LOT of T and A but this show is essentially a sausage fest with greased-up, sweaty men wrastlin' around for fun and profit.
CD: I thought they were slaves. I'm not sure how "fun" that is.
D: DON'T QUESTION ME! I'm sure some fun was had. Oh before I forget, throw in a sweet love story between gladiators. Make one a twink with a bird fetish that kills himself after he thinks his lovah leaves him when he really got brutally murdered and betrayed.
CD: THAT'S HORRIBLE!
D: Do as I say! Back to Sparty's wife, can we get someone vaguely Rose Byrne-ish that's willing to be nude for 90% of her brief screen time?
CD: I think so. How about the masters of the Gladiator School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?
D: Hmm....can we get Xena? I mean she's not doing anything lately. She'll do noodz right?
CD: Um, I'll see what I can do?
D: Good, and for her charmingly dangerous husband....Oh hey I saw The Mummy last week on TNT! Can we get that guy?
CD: I wouldn't describe Brenden Frasier as "charming" or "dangerous" (except as box office poison) Hey-Oooo
D: FUCK GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE! I HATE THAT GUY! No, the other one!
CD: The guy from Resident Evil? Yeah he's pretty awesome, I'll see what I can...
D: NO GODDAMIT! The OTHER GUY! The wacky one!
CD: Oh him? Yeah he's probably game. Um, I think he'll sound vaguely Scottish though. Isn't this set in....
D: Just get him! And get that badass elf from Lord of the Rings. And so help me if you say Orlando Bloom.
CD: Haldir?
D: Boo-yah! And get that guy from 300 who screams "THIS IS MADNESS" before Gerry "My Phantom is vastly inferior to the stage version" Butler kicks him over the cliff, to train the recruits.
CD: The messenger with the skulls? Yeah I love that guy!
D: I KNOW RIGHT! We need someone to play a Paris Hiltonesque wack job too. Oh and Xena's main slave girl will eventually have a decent part but her first scene will be to finger Xena. Hope that's cool *shrug* Actually you know what? All these people should be from New Zealand or Australia. And don't sass me on the accents!
CD: "Batshit blondes from Kiwi Country" and "Wordy fingerbangers from Australia" Got it! Ok we still have a ton of hard-bodied gladiators and a zillion extras to cast. Should we just power through these already? I'm way past due for another nicotine patch.
D: Alright, let's hurry this cockfest up. HAHA I said "cock" and "up" in the same sentence!
CD: Heh, Yeah. Good one. >_>
D: I swear by all that is good and pure in this world...
CD: OK WE NEED A GUY WHO WILL RIP OFF HIS OPPONENTS FACE AND WEAR IT AS A MASK!
D: Yeah you better change the subject. Bitch. Sass me...
CD: Can we please?
D: Continue. My apologies.....that you're such a bitch
CD: *sigh* We need approximately 250 extras for the crowd scenes and all the women need to pretend to not notice their titties hanging out. We need at least one couple to fuck in the stands in the midst of screaming spectators. Hmm, there's an orgy scene where lots of vigorously fucking takes place in the background of an important dialogue scene. Uh, we need a couple of stone-faced actresses to bounce on some random dick as commanded.
D: Are Hugh Hefner's girlfriends available?
CD: Um I really don't think...
D: Fine, fine. What a buzzkill you are.
CD: Anyway, we need about 20 dudes who could double as WWE wrestlers. And at least one with bleached blonde boyband hair circa 1999 Justin Timberlake.
D: I KNOW JUST THE GUY!
CD: We need at least one new recruit who is hung like a horse. As written, we'll be able "to see his cock from an eagle's eye view and the eagle will shed a tear at it's beauty"?
D: Not to worry. CGI will be used heavily in this series. We can always add wang length in post.
CD: But apparently he tries to kill Spartacus and gets his dick cut off and crucified for it. We see him sans dick? GOOD LORD WHO WROTE THIS?!
D: So we find a method actor and make that scene make history.
CD: Wait what do you mean by that?
D: Think we can find an actor willing to get his dick cut off for the camera? Is Daniel Day Lewis available? Has he won any Emmy's yet?
CD: You..you mean CGI right? In post?
D: Hmm? Oh, yeah. YEAH, um of course. Damn selfish actors will always ruin my Emmy gold.
CD: Look, you're kinda starting to freak me out Mr. Edlund.
D: Oh you haven't even SEEN freaky yet.
AND SCENE.