EMPTY
SO ...my mom came home on dec 22 i think.she has been on her meds.the aunt that screwed her over royally is no longer in the picture.i hear she and her boyfriend both on strung out on meth.i believe it.i guess i should say shes strung out worse than usual since shes been an addict most of her life.she is still telling everyone she has cancer between me and live journal land i think my aunt has AIDS.i know anyone could have it but with her drug and prostitution history it would be a miracle if she didnt.my mom spent over 3 months caring for my aunt feeding her buying her food and clothes.paying her bills.and all the while my aunt was stealing my moms meds money and credit card info.and now she goes around and tells horrible lies on my mom.my mom jepordized her marriage her home and me to help my aunt.its hard for me to understand because if it were my sister im sorry i couldnt do it.i would have to let her sink or swim.its some guilt relief issue my mom has.she says that now if and when my aunt passes she wont have any regrets because she took her shopping bought her nice things fed her well etc.and spent tons of time with her.i guess i kind of understand that.my problem is that my aunt has not been strung out months or a couple years she has been strung out all her life.she is in her 50's and i think she did her first drugs when she was like 9.she was offically evaluated and diagnosed as having no concience what so ever.she has no sorrow for what she does.she has no empathy or regret for what she put her daughters through.she helped put my grandfather in his grave in 1985 from all her drug and prison and stealing issues.shes tried to take my grandma down too but thankfully shes still hanging on.maybe i should read up on this mental disorder she has im sure it has a name.but does that make her innocent or unaccountable for all the lives she has ruined?she should have been institualized many years ago.instead of prison she should have been in a facility.the really scary part is my dad and i have went down the list and every female in my mothers side of the family including me has some sort of mental illness.the only one that doesnt is my grandmother or shes never been diagnosed she doesnt appear to have any problems.we have bipolar,schizophrenics,split personalitys,depression,self injury,suicidal,ocd.ptsd,drug abuse alcoholism.not all are effected by everything.its just really scary that every female has an issue down to my sisters cousins aunts mom second cousins etc.so back to point mom is doing great on her meds however we bump heads all the time.i dont hate my mom which she has accused me of this week i just dont see eye to eye.i would never hurt her or let anyone hurt her and i want to be around to take care of her when shes old.i just dont understand why we always argue my emotions are really screwed after losing my home my dog and my little step daughter i have never been the same.three years and the emptyness is still there.sometimes i just dont want to live without my babygirl.and i think all this inner hurt causes me to lash out.without gloria life is not the same.not one day goes by that i dont think of her.my heart is slowly unraveling like a ball of yarn seriously.i always wonder if shes safe if she misses me if she is being raised right and i pray for the day shes of age to come back to me.she was my princess and im so lost without her.there is so much pain in my family i just wish some of it would release and let go.i find no enjoyment in my hobbies anymore such as computer graphics and design,computer games,xbox, rescuing animals im just sort of in a sad zone i want out of.i think i really need to seek group therapy.its my only hope im on meds my friends try to talk to me and i just cant let go of the past.its too hard.i want to get it together again.be that happy bubbly person everyone loved.
