Really rambly
Not really sure why I'm writing on here, maybe it's because I don't really feel like writing in my real journal and need to get thoughts out or maybe because I can't sleep. I feel scared, lost, confused, and about a million other emotions all wrapped in one. I used to be so in control of things and now I feel like I have control of absolutely nothing. Looking back though, what I had control of was meaningless. I like having control though, I guess everyone does. It makes me feel secure, which is something I haven't felt in a while. I feel like I'm always on the edge but with no control with when I'm going over.
Being at home over the break made me realize just how bad my parents' relationship is, again. It's not like they'd get divorced or anything; they're content with each other for the most part or just not willing to change anything. It's their problem, I've just done my best to stay out of things. Just being around them makes me realize that I could never be happy like that. Neither one of them communicates with each other with what bothers him or how he is feeling. Eventually that emotion builds up and things explode. I've caught myself doing that in my relationship too, and sometimes it's just so hard to bring things up. I always feel like I can control things or just forget, but it doesn't ever happen. Both of my parents are really stubborn with their ways too that it makes me sick. I try so hard to catch myself when I act like that because I know it's not exactly a charming characteristic. My dad actually yelled at my mom and me for buying a pair of jeans that weren't Levi's for his birthday. It was more directed at my mom, but it was just the fact that he yelled at her for buying him a gift that wasn't the right brand. He then went on with some name calling and other demeaning words. I know she's not exactly the best person in the world, but she doesn't deserve that kind of emotional abuse. It adds up, and I know she believes some of the stuff he says even if he doesn't really mean it. It's just a mess. I really do think they should get a divorce. It's not bad where they are constantly fighting, but I just don't think either one of them is really happy. I couldn't live with that. Even if I was happy and my husband wasn't, I wouldn't be able to live like that.
I feel like my eyes have just been open a lot more recently. I kind of wish they weren't... I just find myself criticizing everyone and other people's relationships. I wouldn't ever say anything to them of course since I don't feel like I have any authority to do that, but still. It makes me feel ugly, but maybe it's just not being naive? Recently A and S both came to be about their relationship asking questions. It's funny because I tried to give them each advice (even though I'm not really around them), and with each thing I told them, I knew I needed to work exactly what I was saying. Basically S asked me if I thought they would last. How am I supposed to answer that? I told him that I didn't know but just to remember that it takes a lot of work, and then tried explaining that he and A really need to talk things out and be honest with how each other and their feelings, try to remain calm since both have a temper, try to see things from each other's persepectives, etc. I just had to remind him that she's a little immature sometimes and doesn't always think about things like he does or see things like he does, and that he needs to tell her things that are really important. A then came to me the next day asking for advice on how to make things work between her and S. As if I was really the one to go to with this kind of problem. I basically told her the same things I told S. I'm not sure she really understood things. Her ex is still in the picture, and she talks to him occassionally. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that except for the fact that her mom keeps telling her that she's missing out on her ex, and her mom talks to her ex telling him bad things about S. So of course S is angry that A talks to her ex, which is understandable. A even told me that her ex told her that she needs to break up with S, and that she's the only one that he's trust with his heart. She also said that her ex said that she's the one he wants to marry. I'm sure S has no idea that he said this to her. But I had to remind her that's why S gets upset that she talks to her ex plus the fact that her mom clearly wants them to get back together. She just doesn't see it and keeps saying that she's fine that S talks to his exes. It's one big mess that I'm not sure I really have any right to be involved in. S then later asked me if I'd ever date him or A. It was completely out of nowhere, but I knew where was going with it. He basically wanted me and A to "experiment" and kept trying to pressure me. It was uncomfortable. A then indirectly asked me if I wanted to. Of course I said I didn't want to. I was half expecting it from either one of them sometime, so it didn't completely catch me off guard.
It's funny that I can see all these things that need worked on or whatever in other people's relationships or things that aren't quite right, but I can't do it with my own or with myself. Well, I wouldn't say it's funny, but you get the drift. I've been trying to catch myself when I act selfish. I'm just trying to do it with every aspect in my life because I have been a spoiled little bitch my whole life. I haven't necessarily been selfish with my friends so much since I've always been a follower, but with my relationships and parents, it's been my way or all about me. Recently I've been really trying to think about that when I do anything. I catch myself starting to say something or starting to ask something that is just for me regardless if my parents are tired or whatever. I don't know how it feels to just give and not get anything in return. I don't want to be this way. I do care about other people. I like to help people out. I don't know what my problem is in my relationship. Well I do since I've been told, but I don't know what to do about it. I care about him and don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. So many people have let him down, and I can't control them, but I can control me. I never wanted to let him down. He means everything to me, and over this break I've realized just how much he does. I don't like seeing him upset. It breaks my heart to see him upset and so uncaring about everything. It doesn't matter if he doesn't care about me, but he doesn't care about his family or faith. Hearing that everyone has let him down made me feel horrible for him. I've felt down this past month or so, but I haven't been let down by everyone around me. I didn't know what to say because I've never been let down like that before. I just want him to be happy with things, at least with his family. I wish I could make him happy, but I don't know how to at this point. I wish more than anything at least I could get one thing right and make at least one thing in his life better. He deserves so much better than he's getting right now.
I try to explain him to people when they ask, and he's so difficult to describe. I say the usual stuff like he's really smart, funny, etc. Sometimes I try to go more in depth and explain how he thinks about things differently, at a "deeper" or more "real" level, and people never get it. As much as I try to explain and use examples, it seems like people never understand what I'm talking about. Someone at work asked me how he and I were doing. She obviously knew things weren't good, and she asked what was going on. I didn't go into detail, but just said something about needing to think about his feelings. She made the comment that she wished her husband would think like that. She said her husband just does what he wants and doesn't ever think that maybe she's tired from work too or could use help doing the dishes or anything like that. While I'm not exactly in the same situation, I understand what she meant. Except in her case, I'm like her husband. I sometimes forget that he's not always going to be in a good mood, talking mood, sometimes he's just going to be tired, sometimes he wants help, or just wants to be alone. I hadn't been very attentive to his needs. He never asks for anything and never gets upset at stupid things like I do. I'm just try to be that way. He deserves to be treated the way he treats me. I'm just afraid it might be too late. I've had so many chances and blew every single one of them.
I'm not perfect and I know he doesn't expect that. I'm scared that I'd mess things up again if he did give me a chance. I understand how I need to act, and I'm trying to do it now. I want to. But I'm scared that if I do get another chance and that if I do one thing wrong, that's it. I really just want him to be happy though. Maybe I can't do that. I'm sure someone else can make him a lot happier than I can without all the stress that I bring on. He definitely deserves that. He has enough stress at home. I couldn't imagine doing what he does. I probably wouldn't have quit work. He gave up so much even though he didn't really like his job. Things are so much more difficult, and now everything else has let him down. I forgot about all these things because I got so used to things being like that, but I know he hasn't. He deals with it every day.
I rambled on way too long. Things make a little more sense now though. I should try to get some sleep but I feel like I'm just going to lay here again. Ok..
Being at home over the break made me realize just how bad my parents' relationship is, again. It's not like they'd get divorced or anything; they're content with each other for the most part or just not willing to change anything. It's their problem, I've just done my best to stay out of things. Just being around them makes me realize that I could never be happy like that. Neither one of them communicates with each other with what bothers him or how he is feeling. Eventually that emotion builds up and things explode. I've caught myself doing that in my relationship too, and sometimes it's just so hard to bring things up. I always feel like I can control things or just forget, but it doesn't ever happen. Both of my parents are really stubborn with their ways too that it makes me sick. I try so hard to catch myself when I act like that because I know it's not exactly a charming characteristic. My dad actually yelled at my mom and me for buying a pair of jeans that weren't Levi's for his birthday. It was more directed at my mom, but it was just the fact that he yelled at her for buying him a gift that wasn't the right brand. He then went on with some name calling and other demeaning words. I know she's not exactly the best person in the world, but she doesn't deserve that kind of emotional abuse. It adds up, and I know she believes some of the stuff he says even if he doesn't really mean it. It's just a mess. I really do think they should get a divorce. It's not bad where they are constantly fighting, but I just don't think either one of them is really happy. I couldn't live with that. Even if I was happy and my husband wasn't, I wouldn't be able to live like that.
I feel like my eyes have just been open a lot more recently. I kind of wish they weren't... I just find myself criticizing everyone and other people's relationships. I wouldn't ever say anything to them of course since I don't feel like I have any authority to do that, but still. It makes me feel ugly, but maybe it's just not being naive? Recently A and S both came to be about their relationship asking questions. It's funny because I tried to give them each advice (even though I'm not really around them), and with each thing I told them, I knew I needed to work exactly what I was saying. Basically S asked me if I thought they would last. How am I supposed to answer that? I told him that I didn't know but just to remember that it takes a lot of work, and then tried explaining that he and A really need to talk things out and be honest with how each other and their feelings, try to remain calm since both have a temper, try to see things from each other's persepectives, etc. I just had to remind him that she's a little immature sometimes and doesn't always think about things like he does or see things like he does, and that he needs to tell her things that are really important. A then came to me the next day asking for advice on how to make things work between her and S. As if I was really the one to go to with this kind of problem. I basically told her the same things I told S. I'm not sure she really understood things. Her ex is still in the picture, and she talks to him occassionally. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that except for the fact that her mom keeps telling her that she's missing out on her ex, and her mom talks to her ex telling him bad things about S. So of course S is angry that A talks to her ex, which is understandable. A even told me that her ex told her that she needs to break up with S, and that she's the only one that he's trust with his heart. She also said that her ex said that she's the one he wants to marry. I'm sure S has no idea that he said this to her. But I had to remind her that's why S gets upset that she talks to her ex plus the fact that her mom clearly wants them to get back together. She just doesn't see it and keeps saying that she's fine that S talks to his exes. It's one big mess that I'm not sure I really have any right to be involved in. S then later asked me if I'd ever date him or A. It was completely out of nowhere, but I knew where was going with it. He basically wanted me and A to "experiment" and kept trying to pressure me. It was uncomfortable. A then indirectly asked me if I wanted to. Of course I said I didn't want to. I was half expecting it from either one of them sometime, so it didn't completely catch me off guard.
It's funny that I can see all these things that need worked on or whatever in other people's relationships or things that aren't quite right, but I can't do it with my own or with myself. Well, I wouldn't say it's funny, but you get the drift. I've been trying to catch myself when I act selfish. I'm just trying to do it with every aspect in my life because I have been a spoiled little bitch my whole life. I haven't necessarily been selfish with my friends so much since I've always been a follower, but with my relationships and parents, it's been my way or all about me. Recently I've been really trying to think about that when I do anything. I catch myself starting to say something or starting to ask something that is just for me regardless if my parents are tired or whatever. I don't know how it feels to just give and not get anything in return. I don't want to be this way. I do care about other people. I like to help people out. I don't know what my problem is in my relationship. Well I do since I've been told, but I don't know what to do about it. I care about him and don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. So many people have let him down, and I can't control them, but I can control me. I never wanted to let him down. He means everything to me, and over this break I've realized just how much he does. I don't like seeing him upset. It breaks my heart to see him upset and so uncaring about everything. It doesn't matter if he doesn't care about me, but he doesn't care about his family or faith. Hearing that everyone has let him down made me feel horrible for him. I've felt down this past month or so, but I haven't been let down by everyone around me. I didn't know what to say because I've never been let down like that before. I just want him to be happy with things, at least with his family. I wish I could make him happy, but I don't know how to at this point. I wish more than anything at least I could get one thing right and make at least one thing in his life better. He deserves so much better than he's getting right now.
I try to explain him to people when they ask, and he's so difficult to describe. I say the usual stuff like he's really smart, funny, etc. Sometimes I try to go more in depth and explain how he thinks about things differently, at a "deeper" or more "real" level, and people never get it. As much as I try to explain and use examples, it seems like people never understand what I'm talking about. Someone at work asked me how he and I were doing. She obviously knew things weren't good, and she asked what was going on. I didn't go into detail, but just said something about needing to think about his feelings. She made the comment that she wished her husband would think like that. She said her husband just does what he wants and doesn't ever think that maybe she's tired from work too or could use help doing the dishes or anything like that. While I'm not exactly in the same situation, I understand what she meant. Except in her case, I'm like her husband. I sometimes forget that he's not always going to be in a good mood, talking mood, sometimes he's just going to be tired, sometimes he wants help, or just wants to be alone. I hadn't been very attentive to his needs. He never asks for anything and never gets upset at stupid things like I do. I'm just try to be that way. He deserves to be treated the way he treats me. I'm just afraid it might be too late. I've had so many chances and blew every single one of them.
I'm not perfect and I know he doesn't expect that. I'm scared that I'd mess things up again if he did give me a chance. I understand how I need to act, and I'm trying to do it now. I want to. But I'm scared that if I do get another chance and that if I do one thing wrong, that's it. I really just want him to be happy though. Maybe I can't do that. I'm sure someone else can make him a lot happier than I can without all the stress that I bring on. He definitely deserves that. He has enough stress at home. I couldn't imagine doing what he does. I probably wouldn't have quit work. He gave up so much even though he didn't really like his job. Things are so much more difficult, and now everything else has let him down. I forgot about all these things because I got so used to things being like that, but I know he hasn't. He deals with it every day.
I rambled on way too long. Things make a little more sense now though. I should try to get some sleep but I feel like I'm just going to lay here again. Ok..