[LOL Fic] The Chaos Crotch-Face Show - Episode 1
... (_ _);; Oh Gods ... what am I doing?
Notes:
- OOC-ness
- Slightly mature language
- Implied sexual moment
- Highly stupid...
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*Studio 1, at the prestigious Lufenian Film Studios, an audience of Moogles sit in organised rows looking at a brightly lit stage. A few lofty Moogles, wielding TV cameras, float over the heads of the audience. The lights are dimmed. A flurry of hushed kupo's arise from the audience, only to be drowned out by blaring orchestral theme music and a deep, rumbling voiceover that seems more accustomed to lamenting the eternal struggles of the Gods and their warrior champions...*
"Welcome to The Chaos Crotch-Face Show, live and uncut. Here is your host, Chaos Crotch-face..."
*The Moogles explode in to a symphony of tiny clapping sounds and kupos as a large figure emerges from stage right.*
Chaos: Greetings puny mortals... er.. Moogles. I am your host, God of Discord and soon-to-be ruler of all I survey, Chaos.
*The Moogles clap as the God brandishes a microphone in one of his four hands. Two are folded and the last one is planted on his hip, just above the grinning face that covers his crotch*
Chaos: On today's programme we're going to discuss the topic of family. It's a touchy subject and one, I'm sure, we can all relate to. Our first guest hails from the Southern Continent and says he's been struggling to form a bond with his brother. Here's Cecil on the show!
*The Moogle audience cheer and clap as a shy knight peeks his head from behind a studio backdrop*
Chaos: Don’t be shy, Cecil, please come and join us.
Cecil: … I… Right…
*The silvery haired paladin walks out on to the stage and takes a seat opposite the imposing God of Discord. He smiles nervously and looks down at his hands, which are planted firmly on his knees.*
Chaos: Greetings, Cecil. I understand you’re here today because you’re having problems with your brother, Golbez?
Cecil: Oh! … Well.. It’s not exactly a problem, I just worry that we don’t see eye to eye on things.
*The God of Discord quirks an eyebrow and sits back in his chair, one of his hands strokes his chin.*
Chaos: Do not waste my time, Cecil, you better have a problem or we’ll have a problem. Capisci?
Cecil: Oh… uh.. well.. I guess it is a bit of a problem, we’re always at war?
Chaos: That’s better. A bit of family in-fighting! Now, what has happened to create such a dramatic rift between you and your sibling?
Cecil: Well… I think my brother is easily swayed, he’s been involved with the ‘wrong crowd’ in the past and I’m worried that it’s happening again.
Chaos: I see. So he’s taking drugs.
Cecil: W-WHAT?! I… I didn’t say that!! That’s not even what I meant!
Chaos: Shut up, kid. It’s good for ratings. Now. Let me summarise this problem; you and your brother are having trouble finding common ground and are at odds with each other.
Cecil: .. Yes…
Chaos: You desperately want to reach out to him and, I assume, build a better relationship with him…
Cecil: That’s right.
Chaos: So he needs to quit that drug habit and stop hanging around with crime lords all day.
Cecil: Wha?! No! He doesn’t have a drug problem.. Or… at least he doesn’t seem to have one….
Chaos: Looks can be deceiving…
*The paladin covers his mouth and gasps, clearly all manner of scenarios are playing out in his mind.*
Cecil: Oh… Brother… you could have spoken to me. You could have asked me to help you! You didn’t need to turn to drugs!
Chaos: Well, this would be a perfect opportunity to bring out your brother and hear his side of the story! Let’s welcome Golbez on to the show!
*A few Moogles boo, but their protests are cut short as the immense, armour-clad warlock emerges from backstage. He holds a hand out and a chair flies across the studio and lands next to Cecil’s. He sits down, the arms of the chair promptly fall under the pressure of his armoured frame.*
Golbez: …
Cecil: Brother…
Chaos: Welcome to the show, Golbez.
Golbez: Chaos… what manner of nonsense is this? Are we settling our disputes through conversation now?
Chaos: Look. The producer got bored of all the fighting, so now we’re doing the TV thing.
Golbez: The… TV thing?
Chaos: Chat shows are all the rage, apparently. Now stop whining and start acting like a crack-whore.
Golbez: Excuse me..?
Chaos: So. Golbez, we’ve been taking to your brother Cecil and he has some big concerns about your current lifestyle choices and the company you’re keeping. Specifically he wants you to give up the drugs and the gang lifestyle. What do you have to say to this?
Golbez: Cecil…
Cecil: Yes brother?
Golbez: Have you lost your mind?
Cecil: I.. I didn’t say those things brother, I swear it on the moon!
Golbez: You shouldn’t swear on the moon lightly, Cecil.
Cecil: I know and I’m not! This really was not my idea. I had hoped this show might help to unite us as siblings, I did not slander your reputation!
Golbez: … Hmmm. Fine. Chaos, I do not do drugs as you seem so intent on insinuating and the ‘gang lifestyle’ I apparently indulge in, is your own brood is it not?
Chaos: Are you suggesting the host of this wholesome TV programme is a gang don?
Golbez: Yes. I am.
Chaos: Well I’m the host and I say that’s bullshit so I win.
Golbez: …. Glad to see you’re being so mature about this.
Chaos: Indeed. Now. On with the fight.
Golbez: The.. fight?
Chaos: There always has to be some sort of dysfunctional family fight, so get to it.
Cecil: Huh…
*The paladin blinks, his blue eyes widen as he looks between Chaos and his brother.*
Golbez: What nonsense. I refuse to take part in a pointless conflict.
Chaos: You didn’t have a problem with it up until now, did you?
Golbez: Touché, Chaos. But I have no desire to fight with Cecil.
Cecil: Brother!
Chaos: What if I told you that your brother was currently dating someone?
Golbez: I.. am vaguely aware that he has a partner in our home world. I am happy for them.
Chaos: Oh… Well this gets more interesting.
Golbez: What?
Chaos: He would appear to be cheating with someone in a whole other world!
Cecil: Cheating? I never cheat! I hold myself with honour!
Chaos: Then what is going on between you and Kain?
Cecil: K-Kain?!
Golbez: …. Kain?
Chaos: Let’s bring Kain out on to the show, ladies and gentlemen!
*The audience clap and kupo as the dragoon walks out on to the set.*
Kain: … Why am I here?
Chaos: You’re currently having an affair with Cecil.
Kain: ……………
*The paladin looks pleadingly at the dragoon*
Cecil: Kain… I have no idea what’s going on right now.
*The dragoon sighs, then he walks over to the paladin and picks him up. He throws Cecil over his shoulder and then nods at Golbez.*
Kain: Let’s just go and thrash out your family issues in private, hmm?
Golbez: An excellent idea, Kain. I'm sure I can entrust Cecil's punishments to you?
*With a smirk, the dragoon and warlock walk off with the paladin kicking and squirming.*
Chaos: Well! Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that paladin and that dragoon are going to do something adult rated... I don’t think we’re allowed to show such things at this time of the day so we’ll just have to leave it at that. Unfortunately our time is up… If you have a family problem, need a DNA test or want someone that you don’t trust to undergo a lie detector test, then call in to the show using the number at the bottom of your screens.
*The God claps his hands and the set is cast in to darkness.*
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END
Notes:
- OOC-ness
- Slightly mature language
- Implied sexual moment
- Highly stupid...
_________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
*Studio 1, at the prestigious Lufenian Film Studios, an audience of Moogles sit in organised rows looking at a brightly lit stage. A few lofty Moogles, wielding TV cameras, float over the heads of the audience. The lights are dimmed. A flurry of hushed kupo's arise from the audience, only to be drowned out by blaring orchestral theme music and a deep, rumbling voiceover that seems more accustomed to lamenting the eternal struggles of the Gods and their warrior champions...*
"Welcome to The Chaos Crotch-Face Show, live and uncut. Here is your host, Chaos Crotch-face..."
*The Moogles explode in to a symphony of tiny clapping sounds and kupos as a large figure emerges from stage right.*
Chaos: Greetings puny mortals... er.. Moogles. I am your host, God of Discord and soon-to-be ruler of all I survey, Chaos.
*The Moogles clap as the God brandishes a microphone in one of his four hands. Two are folded and the last one is planted on his hip, just above the grinning face that covers his crotch*
Chaos: On today's programme we're going to discuss the topic of family. It's a touchy subject and one, I'm sure, we can all relate to. Our first guest hails from the Southern Continent and says he's been struggling to form a bond with his brother. Here's Cecil on the show!
*The Moogle audience cheer and clap as a shy knight peeks his head from behind a studio backdrop*
Chaos: Don’t be shy, Cecil, please come and join us.
Cecil: … I… Right…
*The silvery haired paladin walks out on to the stage and takes a seat opposite the imposing God of Discord. He smiles nervously and looks down at his hands, which are planted firmly on his knees.*
Chaos: Greetings, Cecil. I understand you’re here today because you’re having problems with your brother, Golbez?
Cecil: Oh! … Well.. It’s not exactly a problem, I just worry that we don’t see eye to eye on things.
*The God of Discord quirks an eyebrow and sits back in his chair, one of his hands strokes his chin.*
Chaos: Do not waste my time, Cecil, you better have a problem or we’ll have a problem. Capisci?
Cecil: Oh… uh.. well.. I guess it is a bit of a problem, we’re always at war?
Chaos: That’s better. A bit of family in-fighting! Now, what has happened to create such a dramatic rift between you and your sibling?
Cecil: Well… I think my brother is easily swayed, he’s been involved with the ‘wrong crowd’ in the past and I’m worried that it’s happening again.
Chaos: I see. So he’s taking drugs.
Cecil: W-WHAT?! I… I didn’t say that!! That’s not even what I meant!
Chaos: Shut up, kid. It’s good for ratings. Now. Let me summarise this problem; you and your brother are having trouble finding common ground and are at odds with each other.
Cecil: .. Yes…
Chaos: You desperately want to reach out to him and, I assume, build a better relationship with him…
Cecil: That’s right.
Chaos: So he needs to quit that drug habit and stop hanging around with crime lords all day.
Cecil: Wha?! No! He doesn’t have a drug problem.. Or… at least he doesn’t seem to have one….
Chaos: Looks can be deceiving…
*The paladin covers his mouth and gasps, clearly all manner of scenarios are playing out in his mind.*
Cecil: Oh… Brother… you could have spoken to me. You could have asked me to help you! You didn’t need to turn to drugs!
Chaos: Well, this would be a perfect opportunity to bring out your brother and hear his side of the story! Let’s welcome Golbez on to the show!
*A few Moogles boo, but their protests are cut short as the immense, armour-clad warlock emerges from backstage. He holds a hand out and a chair flies across the studio and lands next to Cecil’s. He sits down, the arms of the chair promptly fall under the pressure of his armoured frame.*
Golbez: …
Cecil: Brother…
Chaos: Welcome to the show, Golbez.
Golbez: Chaos… what manner of nonsense is this? Are we settling our disputes through conversation now?
Chaos: Look. The producer got bored of all the fighting, so now we’re doing the TV thing.
Golbez: The… TV thing?
Chaos: Chat shows are all the rage, apparently. Now stop whining and start acting like a crack-whore.
Golbez: Excuse me..?
Chaos: So. Golbez, we’ve been taking to your brother Cecil and he has some big concerns about your current lifestyle choices and the company you’re keeping. Specifically he wants you to give up the drugs and the gang lifestyle. What do you have to say to this?
Golbez: Cecil…
Cecil: Yes brother?
Golbez: Have you lost your mind?
Cecil: I.. I didn’t say those things brother, I swear it on the moon!
Golbez: You shouldn’t swear on the moon lightly, Cecil.
Cecil: I know and I’m not! This really was not my idea. I had hoped this show might help to unite us as siblings, I did not slander your reputation!
Golbez: … Hmmm. Fine. Chaos, I do not do drugs as you seem so intent on insinuating and the ‘gang lifestyle’ I apparently indulge in, is your own brood is it not?
Chaos: Are you suggesting the host of this wholesome TV programme is a gang don?
Golbez: Yes. I am.
Chaos: Well I’m the host and I say that’s bullshit so I win.
Golbez: …. Glad to see you’re being so mature about this.
Chaos: Indeed. Now. On with the fight.
Golbez: The.. fight?
Chaos: There always has to be some sort of dysfunctional family fight, so get to it.
Cecil: Huh…
*The paladin blinks, his blue eyes widen as he looks between Chaos and his brother.*
Golbez: What nonsense. I refuse to take part in a pointless conflict.
Chaos: You didn’t have a problem with it up until now, did you?
Golbez: Touché, Chaos. But I have no desire to fight with Cecil.
Cecil: Brother!
Chaos: What if I told you that your brother was currently dating someone?
Golbez: I.. am vaguely aware that he has a partner in our home world. I am happy for them.
Chaos: Oh… Well this gets more interesting.
Golbez: What?
Chaos: He would appear to be cheating with someone in a whole other world!
Cecil: Cheating? I never cheat! I hold myself with honour!
Chaos: Then what is going on between you and Kain?
Cecil: K-Kain?!
Golbez: …. Kain?
Chaos: Let’s bring Kain out on to the show, ladies and gentlemen!
*The audience clap and kupo as the dragoon walks out on to the set.*
Kain: … Why am I here?
Chaos: You’re currently having an affair with Cecil.
Kain: ……………
*The paladin looks pleadingly at the dragoon*
Cecil: Kain… I have no idea what’s going on right now.
*The dragoon sighs, then he walks over to the paladin and picks him up. He throws Cecil over his shoulder and then nods at Golbez.*
Kain: Let’s just go and thrash out your family issues in private, hmm?
Golbez: An excellent idea, Kain. I'm sure I can entrust Cecil's punishments to you?
*With a smirk, the dragoon and warlock walk off with the paladin kicking and squirming.*
Chaos: Well! Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that paladin and that dragoon are going to do something adult rated... I don’t think we’re allowed to show such things at this time of the day so we’ll just have to leave it at that. Unfortunately our time is up… If you have a family problem, need a DNA test or want someone that you don’t trust to undergo a lie detector test, then call in to the show using the number at the bottom of your screens.
*The God claps his hands and the set is cast in to darkness.*
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END