(no subject)
I spent all my energy and then some today, but it was really worth it. I'm home in bed now, not especially sleepy, just wiped out, and I have nothing on my schedule tomorrow until the evening, so I can take my time rejuvenating.
I've been in my depression drug trial for over six months now. It forces me to think about and talk about my depression at each appointment in very clinical ways, whereas my therapy appointments are all about my emotions. The clinic stuff has taught me a lot about myself. Mainly that the way I've been affected by my depression is very, very different than it used to be. For a long time, I thought my depression made my marriage worse, made it ultimately fail. But I'm coming around to the idea that it was actually my marriage that made my depression worse. And the more I move on from that, the less my depression affects me. I'm not naive enough to think I'll get over either thing entirely, ever. I'll always have ~feelings~ about Z and my relationship with him, and I'll always have depression. I'll continue to treat both as needed, but this new perspective I have is really empowering for me.
One thing that SUCKS about the drug trial, and is really hard for me right now, is that a major side effect of the drug I'm on now is a voracious appetite. I've gained back most of the weight I lost earlier this summer, and I'm pretty upset about that. I mentioned that to my clinic doctor last week, and he dialed back my dosage to hopefully alleviate that effect. I have noticed that it's helping. Hopefully soon the scales will start to move back the other direction again. I am disappointed, but not in a super dark place with my body image right now, which I guess is good. But I certainly don't want the trend to continue the wrong direction. And I feel this constant need to explain myself to people -- like hey, I see you noticing that I've gained weight, here's why...but that's not a conversation I actually ever have. I just...erg. It's uncomfortable. I don't have to be a twig, I just want to look healthy. And right now I don't. Shrug. I continue to work at it, though.
I've been in my depression drug trial for over six months now. It forces me to think about and talk about my depression at each appointment in very clinical ways, whereas my therapy appointments are all about my emotions. The clinic stuff has taught me a lot about myself. Mainly that the way I've been affected by my depression is very, very different than it used to be. For a long time, I thought my depression made my marriage worse, made it ultimately fail. But I'm coming around to the idea that it was actually my marriage that made my depression worse. And the more I move on from that, the less my depression affects me. I'm not naive enough to think I'll get over either thing entirely, ever. I'll always have ~feelings~ about Z and my relationship with him, and I'll always have depression. I'll continue to treat both as needed, but this new perspective I have is really empowering for me.
One thing that SUCKS about the drug trial, and is really hard for me right now, is that a major side effect of the drug I'm on now is a voracious appetite. I've gained back most of the weight I lost earlier this summer, and I'm pretty upset about that. I mentioned that to my clinic doctor last week, and he dialed back my dosage to hopefully alleviate that effect. I have noticed that it's helping. Hopefully soon the scales will start to move back the other direction again. I am disappointed, but not in a super dark place with my body image right now, which I guess is good. But I certainly don't want the trend to continue the wrong direction. And I feel this constant need to explain myself to people -- like hey, I see you noticing that I've gained weight, here's why...but that's not a conversation I actually ever have. I just...erg. It's uncomfortable. I don't have to be a twig, I just want to look healthy. And right now I don't. Shrug. I continue to work at it, though.