(no subject)
Each of the last several days, my emotions have been a complete roller coaster. Something will trigger a huge frustration/sadness/worry, and I'll have a debilitating reaction to it. I feel really, really awful for a few hours, then I gradually start doing healthy things that pull me out of the funk and back to at least a decent, if not sometimes really good, mood. How about that? Make good choices, feel better about life. Maybe there's something to that.
For what it's worth, I do think the new anti-depressants I'm taking are working just fine. I'm fairly certain these are the same reactions I'd have under even the best circumstances. I've just been steamrolled by several crushing stresses and new things to worry about, you know? But, one foot in front of the other, pick up, move on. (Sometimes after a nap.)
I finished week 5 of the Couch to 10K program today. It escalated quickly! Up through week 3, it was at most 90-second jogs. Week 4 had a mix of jogs anywhere from 1-5 minutes, but were still at least half walking. Then today it was warm up walk for 5 minutes, run for 20 minutes, cool down walk for 5 minutes. Okay then. Guess we're not messing around anymore.
I also went to my real estate office to have a chat with a mentor about strategies. He helped me flesh out some ideas, and I'm feeling pretty pumped to get going on them. It was right after that meeting, unfortunately, that today's crash came. I was in such a good mood that I actually answered my phone when it rang. Caller ID told me it was this old bridge friend, and I was pleased to see him calling me. Here's the thing about this guy -- he's a total doofus and I don't take him seriously about anything, but he's a nice guy and he always strokes my ego because he's had a crush on me forever. So I was happy to answer the phone. I haven't talked to him since my last NABC, a year and a half ago. He's not on social media, so we haven't kept up at all. After the initial hellos, he tells me he's calling because he didn't realize McKenzie and I split up. He had seen McKenzie last week and asked him why I didn't come to tournaments anymore, and McKenzie's answer was "I haven't seen her in over a year and it's the best thing that ever happened to me."
Okay, this dude is a total moron for telling me that. Of COURSE I didn't need to hear that. I made an excuse about having to go to a work meeting and got off the phone just before I started sobbing. I know McKenzie is thriving without me. That's not news. I know he's doing well and he's happy. But I was still under the impression that even though the divorce was good for him, he cared about me and was supportive from a distance, even though he's not in my life right now. But to hear that he's just cavalierly telling acquaintances that leaving me was the best thing he's ever done -- motherfucker, that's a gut punch. And humiliating on top of it. So I went from my go-getter, can't-wait-to-put-these-ideas-in-motion attitude to pajamas under the covers while I cry myself sick. I texted Toby and told him, and he kept encouraging me to go for a run (I had planned to take the day off and just work). I told him I knew he was right that it would help, but I just couldn't pull myself together enough to do it yet. After about two hours of crying to myself and halfheartedly trying to nap, I decided I should listen to the man who DOES love me and go for a run. So I did, and it did help. I still felt/feel really shitty about the McKenzie stuff (there's more to it than just what my friend said -- I sent McKenzie an email asking him to think about how cruel his statements are, and his reply was half apology/half even more hurtful), but I put taking care of myself ahead of feeling bad about myself, and when I got back, I was able to get a little bit of work done. Still not all that I'd planned, but enough that the day wasn't a total waste.
And then as I was winding down, I got new facebook friend requests from the guy who ghosted me over the weekend and his wife. They explained what had happened (poly drama, wife got scared that husband was falling for me too quickly, freaked out and asked him to stop seeing/talking to me, which is about what I guessed), both apologized a lot, and I chatted with both of them for a while. They're both coming to my birthday party tomorrow, and I'm glad I'm not left hanging. Also glad to not actually be cut off. It was a brand new thing and I'm not even really looking to date anyone else, but it turned out that I did like him quite a bit -- I think if I'm going to date him now, though, it's going to have to go at a snail's pace, which is actually what I prefer in this case anyway. Toby and I are leveling up more and more all the time, and I'm pretty focused on that relationship. Did I mention here that we adopted a kitten? He's not ready to wean yet, so we still have to wait a little while, but sometime in May, this house will have a new master. I can't wait :)
For what it's worth, I do think the new anti-depressants I'm taking are working just fine. I'm fairly certain these are the same reactions I'd have under even the best circumstances. I've just been steamrolled by several crushing stresses and new things to worry about, you know? But, one foot in front of the other, pick up, move on. (Sometimes after a nap.)
I finished week 5 of the Couch to 10K program today. It escalated quickly! Up through week 3, it was at most 90-second jogs. Week 4 had a mix of jogs anywhere from 1-5 minutes, but were still at least half walking. Then today it was warm up walk for 5 minutes, run for 20 minutes, cool down walk for 5 minutes. Okay then. Guess we're not messing around anymore.
I also went to my real estate office to have a chat with a mentor about strategies. He helped me flesh out some ideas, and I'm feeling pretty pumped to get going on them. It was right after that meeting, unfortunately, that today's crash came. I was in such a good mood that I actually answered my phone when it rang. Caller ID told me it was this old bridge friend, and I was pleased to see him calling me. Here's the thing about this guy -- he's a total doofus and I don't take him seriously about anything, but he's a nice guy and he always strokes my ego because he's had a crush on me forever. So I was happy to answer the phone. I haven't talked to him since my last NABC, a year and a half ago. He's not on social media, so we haven't kept up at all. After the initial hellos, he tells me he's calling because he didn't realize McKenzie and I split up. He had seen McKenzie last week and asked him why I didn't come to tournaments anymore, and McKenzie's answer was "I haven't seen her in over a year and it's the best thing that ever happened to me."
Okay, this dude is a total moron for telling me that. Of COURSE I didn't need to hear that. I made an excuse about having to go to a work meeting and got off the phone just before I started sobbing. I know McKenzie is thriving without me. That's not news. I know he's doing well and he's happy. But I was still under the impression that even though the divorce was good for him, he cared about me and was supportive from a distance, even though he's not in my life right now. But to hear that he's just cavalierly telling acquaintances that leaving me was the best thing he's ever done -- motherfucker, that's a gut punch. And humiliating on top of it. So I went from my go-getter, can't-wait-to-put-these-ideas-in-motion attitude to pajamas under the covers while I cry myself sick. I texted Toby and told him, and he kept encouraging me to go for a run (I had planned to take the day off and just work). I told him I knew he was right that it would help, but I just couldn't pull myself together enough to do it yet. After about two hours of crying to myself and halfheartedly trying to nap, I decided I should listen to the man who DOES love me and go for a run. So I did, and it did help. I still felt/feel really shitty about the McKenzie stuff (there's more to it than just what my friend said -- I sent McKenzie an email asking him to think about how cruel his statements are, and his reply was half apology/half even more hurtful), but I put taking care of myself ahead of feeling bad about myself, and when I got back, I was able to get a little bit of work done. Still not all that I'd planned, but enough that the day wasn't a total waste.
And then as I was winding down, I got new facebook friend requests from the guy who ghosted me over the weekend and his wife. They explained what had happened (poly drama, wife got scared that husband was falling for me too quickly, freaked out and asked him to stop seeing/talking to me, which is about what I guessed), both apologized a lot, and I chatted with both of them for a while. They're both coming to my birthday party tomorrow, and I'm glad I'm not left hanging. Also glad to not actually be cut off. It was a brand new thing and I'm not even really looking to date anyone else, but it turned out that I did like him quite a bit -- I think if I'm going to date him now, though, it's going to have to go at a snail's pace, which is actually what I prefer in this case anyway. Toby and I are leveling up more and more all the time, and I'm pretty focused on that relationship. Did I mention here that we adopted a kitten? He's not ready to wean yet, so we still have to wait a little while, but sometime in May, this house will have a new master. I can't wait :)