(no subject)
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
- C.S. Lewis
Sometimes I pray to whoever is up there. I don't know who or how or where but, with the words given to me by friends who believe, I ask for the universe to guide me in the right path. I sit with my heart and hands wide open, and all I do is 'let things be'. Whatever comes, will come. And when you don't, I understand it as a sign from someone somewhere that it was never meant to be. I cannot go back for so many reasons: because you never came running, because you let me go; because I was defiant and I chose aloneness. Because I freaked out and two weeks became a month and six months and slowly it will become a year. Because time is the longest distance between two people.
How ironic that I wanted someone who was willing to quarrel with the sky and fight with fate for love. Yet the universe pointed me in the opposite direction of you and I let myself drift like a leaf towards wherever it wanted me to go. Sometimes I think I'm okay, that the worst has passed. But there are good days and then bad ones. You think you've accepted that someone is out of your life for good and you're past the grief, and then - one little memory, a line in a song, and you feel like you've lost that person all over again.
I now understand that it was not love I was wanting, but a feeling of being needed - of being indispensable and irreplaceable. A blood-spilling, blood-drinking, almost-desperate version of love which was impossible with the both of us and undeniably so.
I read somewhere that when you miss someone, send him some love and light, then drop it. So that's all I try to do now.
Recently, I have been finding it doubly hard to be alone.