This is all I can take...
...This is how a heart breaks
This might be a long update. But I might get bored, and cut it short.
So first off, things are awesome with Brian. He makes me happy, I am so comfortable with him, and I can be totally myself around him. Which is the most important thing I can look for in a guy. He is amazing. To say the least. But I'm leaving in less then a month. And it tears me up that I'm going to have to leave him. I want to stay with him though. Not only have I been waiting for 6 years to be with him, I think it's better for me to go to school with a boyfriend. That way I won't slut myself up and ruin my life. Because I would never EVER hurt Brian. He is one of the few things that can make me happy right now, and that's saying something. He is also one of the very VERY few people I can trust at this moment. But It kills me that he'll be so far away. And I'm afraid he'll meet someone better then me, and leave me behind. I knew this would happen. I'd finally find the guy that treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and I have to leave in less then a month.
I'm also really scared about the way I feel about him. It's like, I want to tell him all the time, but I'm afraid to let him know. I don't want to scare him away, and I don't want him to be like, "Alright, now she'll do whatever I want her too, and I can walk all over her" (Not that he'd ever, but you get it). I also don't want him to feel obligated to stay with me if he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. Even though we do have "Who likes eachother more" fights. Where I just want to scream "I LOVE YOU!" But I won't. Becase I can't risk the heartbreak again. Oh Brian. Too good to be true.
So on to my friends. Bri, I know know you at least read this. So you can pass on the message. Fuck you guys for not understanding that I don't have all the time in the world to hang out. I work 7 days a week, 60 hours. I don't fucking have the time. Steena, don't bitch to Sara about how I don't call you or hang out with you. Again, I don't have the ucking time. And how much have you called me recently? Not very much, except for the other night for that random phone call. I'm sorry, but I seriously don't have time. I'm not out hanging out with other people, I'm not ditching you guys for anything or anyone. I'm working. I'm not sure if you know what it's like to work this much, but when you get home after working a 15 hour day, you don't really feel like going out. But you wouldn't understand. And Brianna. FUCK YOU! I do NOT have an eating disorder and who the FUCK do you think you are for saying that shit?! Do you have any idea how much that hurt me when I found out you said that? I broke down and cried at work. That was the LAST fucking thing I needed to hear with all thsi fuckign stress I'm under right now. I haven't even seen you in a month, so how would you even know? And the last time I saw you...WE ATE CAKE! And don't say to Sara, "How do you know she doesn't throw up after?" after she sticks up for me. She knows, because she's with me all the time. I think she'd know. I'd probably tell her too. Because she doesn't judge me, and she accepts me for who I am. She lets me be me, and I let her be her. I just with you knew how much that hurts to be wrongfully accused of that shit. You know I used to have a problem, so it fucking hurts. Bad. I'm almost punched a fucking window today because of it. But no, you couldn't possibly know what it feels like to hear this shit.
So I work, and I don't sleep. The Cow is my vacation, and I haven't had a day off in a month. I'm fucking tired, and stressed out, and on edge 24/7. I'm breaking out and gaining weight, and can't control either. Even though Brian says you can't notice the weight, and thinks I'm lying. I just don't know what to do. I only have 2 weeks left at Jew-Ville. But I don't know if I can make it without breaking down. I cried like, a million times at work today. But mostly just after what Sara told me, I had to keep like, looking down and trying to hide it. I kept going downstairs, and "going to the bathroom" aka, crying in the women's changing room. It's just killing me. And I have to go to the gym, but I have to sleep, but I have to work, but I have to clean my room, do laundry, go to the bank, start getting shit for school, talk to my roomate, and just plain figure shit out.
...We all drink to forget, some of us more then most
This might be a long update. But I might get bored, and cut it short.
So first off, things are awesome with Brian. He makes me happy, I am so comfortable with him, and I can be totally myself around him. Which is the most important thing I can look for in a guy. He is amazing. To say the least. But I'm leaving in less then a month. And it tears me up that I'm going to have to leave him. I want to stay with him though. Not only have I been waiting for 6 years to be with him, I think it's better for me to go to school with a boyfriend. That way I won't slut myself up and ruin my life. Because I would never EVER hurt Brian. He is one of the few things that can make me happy right now, and that's saying something. He is also one of the very VERY few people I can trust at this moment. But It kills me that he'll be so far away. And I'm afraid he'll meet someone better then me, and leave me behind. I knew this would happen. I'd finally find the guy that treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and I have to leave in less then a month.
I'm also really scared about the way I feel about him. It's like, I want to tell him all the time, but I'm afraid to let him know. I don't want to scare him away, and I don't want him to be like, "Alright, now she'll do whatever I want her too, and I can walk all over her" (Not that he'd ever, but you get it). I also don't want him to feel obligated to stay with me if he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. Even though we do have "Who likes eachother more" fights. Where I just want to scream "I LOVE YOU!" But I won't. Becase I can't risk the heartbreak again. Oh Brian. Too good to be true.
So on to my friends. Bri, I know know you at least read this. So you can pass on the message. Fuck you guys for not understanding that I don't have all the time in the world to hang out. I work 7 days a week, 60 hours. I don't fucking have the time. Steena, don't bitch to Sara about how I don't call you or hang out with you. Again, I don't have the ucking time. And how much have you called me recently? Not very much, except for the other night for that random phone call. I'm sorry, but I seriously don't have time. I'm not out hanging out with other people, I'm not ditching you guys for anything or anyone. I'm working. I'm not sure if you know what it's like to work this much, but when you get home after working a 15 hour day, you don't really feel like going out. But you wouldn't understand. And Brianna. FUCK YOU! I do NOT have an eating disorder and who the FUCK do you think you are for saying that shit?! Do you have any idea how much that hurt me when I found out you said that? I broke down and cried at work. That was the LAST fucking thing I needed to hear with all thsi fuckign stress I'm under right now. I haven't even seen you in a month, so how would you even know? And the last time I saw you...WE ATE CAKE! And don't say to Sara, "How do you know she doesn't throw up after?" after she sticks up for me. She knows, because she's with me all the time. I think she'd know. I'd probably tell her too. Because she doesn't judge me, and she accepts me for who I am. She lets me be me, and I let her be her. I just with you knew how much that hurts to be wrongfully accused of that shit. You know I used to have a problem, so it fucking hurts. Bad. I'm almost punched a fucking window today because of it. But no, you couldn't possibly know what it feels like to hear this shit.
So I work, and I don't sleep. The Cow is my vacation, and I haven't had a day off in a month. I'm fucking tired, and stressed out, and on edge 24/7. I'm breaking out and gaining weight, and can't control either. Even though Brian says you can't notice the weight, and thinks I'm lying. I just don't know what to do. I only have 2 weeks left at Jew-Ville. But I don't know if I can make it without breaking down. I cried like, a million times at work today. But mostly just after what Sara told me, I had to keep like, looking down and trying to hide it. I kept going downstairs, and "going to the bathroom" aka, crying in the women's changing room. It's just killing me. And I have to go to the gym, but I have to sleep, but I have to work, but I have to clean my room, do laundry, go to the bank, start getting shit for school, talk to my roomate, and just plain figure shit out.
...We all drink to forget, some of us more then most