(no subject)
I don't even know where to begin. So last weekend, after Funway, I got my life totally shat on by my 3 best friends, and they had me balling in the back seat. They made me seem like I was the worst person to ever walk the face of the planet, and that I am more or less a waste of space. No, of course they did not say that, but what they did say made me feel like I was a waste. Most of you know by now probably why all that shit went down, so I don't fell like posting it all. It's complicated.
But they just called me out on so much shit, and they think I have an eating problem, that I'm wicked depressed, and there's something wrong with me, yadda yadda. No, they aren't 100% wrong, but they aren't 100% right either.
I have been depressed, but I don't know why. It's like there's something inside that is making me feel the way I do, but I don't know what it is. And it makes no sense. I have a lot going for me, but I feel so empty.
I have amazing friends, amazing family, I'm going to a very good school, I'm done with high school forever in 2 days, I'm not bad to look at, I'm genuinely a happy nice person, who gets a long with most everyone, but still, there's something wrong.
I don't have very high confidence, I don't feel satisified when I look at myself, I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around, like no one wants to acctually have me there, but they feel bad, so they invite me along. I feel like I don't make a difference in anyone's lives really. Like if I weren't around, who cares? Would anyone really notice? If I just stopped going out, and stayed home, and didn't bother anyone, would anyone miss me?
I don't really do anything special. There isn't anything different or unique about me. I'm just, normal. I'm normal looking, I'm of normal intelligence, I do normal things. There's just nothing about me that stands out. No one is ever like, "OMG! It's that girl who can..." or something like that. If anything it's, "OMG! It's that girl who is a slut!"
I'm OK with the sluttiness. I don't care. If whatever I'm doing makes me happy, why should I care about what other people think? I don't shit on your lives for smoking weed, which I hate, so don't shit on me for a little casual sex every now and then, or just hooking up with random people. You haven't had to deal with the shit I've dealt with pertaining to guys, so let me have my fun before I get into another long painful relationship.
And tonight, was Sara's surprise party, which we were all very excited about. I was like, "yay! I love these people! Fun!" And for some reason, I felt 100% out of place. And it was of no fault to anyone, I was included, I just didn't feel like I belonged. It was like, they all had something that I didn't have. But I don't know what it is. I mean, I know Sara and Amanda have boyfriends, but I don't want a boyfriend, I've had enough. I wouldn't mind having someone care about me though. Random hook ups are fun and all, don't get me wrong, I love them. But take this as an example. Last night, went to a party in Dover with Tori and Gale and Gale's boyfriend's friends. I hooked up with this really hott, really cool kid. Probably will never see him again, sadly.
I don't know how much more I can possibly complain about in this essay of an entry, but I do know is that something is missing, and it makes me feel empty. I used to have whatever it is, and now I don't. And I can't find it, because I don't even know what I'm looking for. ARRGGHHHH Why can't I just be the happy Jo-Ellen all the time that I am most of the time!!!
***Teardrops like raindrops fall eagerly down,
The night sky lit up as the car drives along,
Winding through turns and it's the only escape,
Drive into the darkness and forget.***
But they just called me out on so much shit, and they think I have an eating problem, that I'm wicked depressed, and there's something wrong with me, yadda yadda. No, they aren't 100% wrong, but they aren't 100% right either.
I have been depressed, but I don't know why. It's like there's something inside that is making me feel the way I do, but I don't know what it is. And it makes no sense. I have a lot going for me, but I feel so empty.
I have amazing friends, amazing family, I'm going to a very good school, I'm done with high school forever in 2 days, I'm not bad to look at, I'm genuinely a happy nice person, who gets a long with most everyone, but still, there's something wrong.
I don't have very high confidence, I don't feel satisified when I look at myself, I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around, like no one wants to acctually have me there, but they feel bad, so they invite me along. I feel like I don't make a difference in anyone's lives really. Like if I weren't around, who cares? Would anyone really notice? If I just stopped going out, and stayed home, and didn't bother anyone, would anyone miss me?
I don't really do anything special. There isn't anything different or unique about me. I'm just, normal. I'm normal looking, I'm of normal intelligence, I do normal things. There's just nothing about me that stands out. No one is ever like, "OMG! It's that girl who can..." or something like that. If anything it's, "OMG! It's that girl who is a slut!"
I'm OK with the sluttiness. I don't care. If whatever I'm doing makes me happy, why should I care about what other people think? I don't shit on your lives for smoking weed, which I hate, so don't shit on me for a little casual sex every now and then, or just hooking up with random people. You haven't had to deal with the shit I've dealt with pertaining to guys, so let me have my fun before I get into another long painful relationship.
And tonight, was Sara's surprise party, which we were all very excited about. I was like, "yay! I love these people! Fun!" And for some reason, I felt 100% out of place. And it was of no fault to anyone, I was included, I just didn't feel like I belonged. It was like, they all had something that I didn't have. But I don't know what it is. I mean, I know Sara and Amanda have boyfriends, but I don't want a boyfriend, I've had enough. I wouldn't mind having someone care about me though. Random hook ups are fun and all, don't get me wrong, I love them. But take this as an example. Last night, went to a party in Dover with Tori and Gale and Gale's boyfriend's friends. I hooked up with this really hott, really cool kid. Probably will never see him again, sadly.
I don't know how much more I can possibly complain about in this essay of an entry, but I do know is that something is missing, and it makes me feel empty. I used to have whatever it is, and now I don't. And I can't find it, because I don't even know what I'm looking for. ARRGGHHHH Why can't I just be the happy Jo-Ellen all the time that I am most of the time!!!
***Teardrops like raindrops fall eagerly down,
The night sky lit up as the car drives along,
Winding through turns and it's the only escape,
Drive into the darkness and forget.***