On why "Kardashians" is bad in a good way, and "Sex and the City 2" is bad in a bad way
Some movies I've seen recently:
SUNSHINE CLEANING
Hideously underwhelming, with plot holes I could drive a U-Haul trunk through.
ORPHAN
As usual, there's The Wife Who No One Believes and The Husband Who Doesn't Believe Anything Is Amiss and The Evil Demon Child Who Is Not What She Seems. It's far from perfect, but one of the best thrillers I've seen recently.
HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG
It has a strong start, but Ron Eldard's character fucks everything up, and not in a good or even palatable way.
ALICE IN WONDERLAND (2010)
A glorious reimagining of a trite legend. Tim Burton reigns triumphant.
THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
One of the best movies ever made.
ABRAZOS ROTOS (BROKEN EMBRACES)
A lovely, albeit chliché, story about A Love That Will Never Be.
THE INVENTION OF LYING
Oh, Ricky Gervais. So brilliant. So underwhelming.
THE ROAD
Even better than the book. It's harrowing and haunting, with superb acting and direction.
SIDEWAYS
I dunno. For a Best Picture nominee, I expected a little something more.
SHUTTER ISLAND
Martin Scorsese makes up for the inanity of The Departed with this beautiful mystery. I would say it was near-perfect, but it's so similar to Memento that I mostly figured out the major plot twist at the end when I was halfway through.
DAYBREAKERS
One of the better things to emerge from the vampire frenzy overtaking the country.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Uh…you know, movies are supposed to have an overarching theme. Or at least a point to make. This has the feel of a film made simply to be eaten up by the Oscar voters.
THE LOVELY BONES
Really, Peter Jackson? Really? You take one of the best books of the decade and make it into a maudlin charade in which CGI, and not a coherent story line, is the base of the plot? It's a decent adaptation, but still…
SEX AND THE CITY 2
Oh, Christ.
So, Keeping up with the Kardashians. Before I discuss why it's so bad that it's good, I'll include the Kardashian-Jenner family tree.
Robert Kardashian (deceased) ≠ Kristen "Kris" Houghton
……⤷ Kourtney Kardashian = Scott Disick
………… ⤷ Mason Dash Disick
……⤷ Kimberly "Kim" Kardashian ≠ Damon Thomas
……⤷ Khloé Kardashian = Lamar Odom
……⤷ Robert "Rob" Kardashian, Jr.Bruce Jenner ≠ Chrystie Crownover
……⤷ Casey Jenner
……⤷ Burt Jenner
Bruce Jenner ≠ Linda Thompson
……⤷ Brandon Jenner
……⤷ Brody Jenner
Kristen "Kris" Houghton = Bruce Jenner
……⤷ Kendall Jenner
……⤷ Kylie Jenner
As you can see, there's a lot to keep up with.
Each major cast member seems to embody a different aspect of the series. Matriarch Kris is manipulation, Bruce is naïveté, Khloé is humor, Kim is egocentrism, Kourtney is devotion, and Rob is nonchalance. The reason this works is because the members of this family are all extremely impulsive, which leads to several clashes over minutia per episode. Kris is a horrific mother, and frequently uses sex and drugs to get her way. And Bruce, being a push-over, allows this. Likely because of Kris's bad parenting, the Kardashian daughters have no idea how to resolve conflicts, which creates a ton of - dare I say it - drama among the family.
The reason I watch is because of those rare episodes in which characters are taken out of their comfort zones and have experiences that challenge them. In one episode, a cynophobic Kim finds a stray chihuahua wandering around a strip mall. Unable to find its owner, she takes it in and tries to care for it until she realizes she has no idea how to do so. Upon bringing the dog to the vet, Kim discovers the poor animal has a fever. After more tests are run, it's discovered that the dog's uterus is filled with fluid, and has to have it removed. Ultimately, Kim cannot care for the dog, so she has to give it up. In another episode, Khloé takes an anger management class:
NOTE: This is not nearly verbatim.
INSTRUCTOR. Why are you here?
KHLOÉ. Because my brother-in-law is a douche lord.
INSTRUCTOR. Okay, now I want you to pretend that Kim is your brother-in-law. Tell him how you feel.
KHLOÉ. Scott, I think you're a douche lord.
As funny as this is, Khloé eventually realizes that the major reason she hates Scott so much is that she feels he's taking Kourtney away from her. These plot lines show that these people are actually that - real people. And I lose faith in humanity a little less.
Sex and the City, the series, was about empowerment, love, sex, and life lessons. It was an homage to sisterhood, romance, drama, and togetherness. It was a celebration of strength, tenderness, risk-taking, and wisdom.
What Michael Patrick King has done in Sex and the City 2 to the reputation of the television show that defined the early millennium is atrocious. This film is a farce; the characters have little depth, the plot is nonexistent, nothing really happens, and, as David Edelstein says in New York Magazine, "it seems to justify every nasty thing said and written about the series." Even my mom hated it, and she loves Sex and the City. She made my sister and me watch the show instead of giving us the sex talk!
I now present a list of the inherent problems in this film:
1. It reinforces hurtful stereotypes about Arabs and Muslims.
Upon arriving at their Abu Dhabi hotel, Carrie says of niqāb-sporting passersby, "It's like they don't want them to have voices." If they had stopped there, it would have been a little more than enough. But criticism of Middle Eastern culture in this film is rampant, and not in a way that is beneficial, thought-provoking, or even essential to the plot. Samantha's purse rips open in a marketplace, allowing scores of condoms to fall to the sandy ground. A mob of Arab men quickly forms and begins to pursue her in anger. When a burqa-clad citizen leads the foursome to a secret, women-only hideaway, I expected the enclave of Muslim women there to ask Samantha for her condoms, which are forbidden in the culture. This would have made the whole Abu Dhabi part of the film seem somewhat worthwhile, and it would have presented a very probing point about the extravagance of American culture, of which we all take advantage.
Instead, the women strip away their garments, showing that underneath, they're wearing Alexander McQueen's newest collection. What the shit is this? I want to know where in Michael Patrick King's brain the aneurysm occurred that made him think that this would be appropriate and realistic.
2. Too much art, not enough matter.
This film is centered on extravagance. Big and Carrie live in a gigundo apartment and still own Carrie's old studio. Samantha has an office overlooking Times Square. Charlotte and Harry live in a huge apartment and can afford a full-time nanny. Stanford and Anthony (which is the most ridiculous coupling the franchise could have produced) have a lavish wedding ceremony complete with a chorus, a small indoor river, and Liza Minnelli. The foursome fly first-class to Abu Dhabi, and in lieu of seats, each woman practically has a small suite on the airplane. In their hotel, they don't get a room - they get a floor. With four servants. And then there are the ever-changing outfits. I would imagine that upwards of 80% of the film's $95 million budget was funneled into this farcical profligacy.
Between all these instances of prodigality, which are meant to awe us but just leave us dazed and disgusted, the "plot" somehow happens. Carrie and Big are getting bored with each other. Charlotte can't handle motherhood. Miranda has an asshole boss. Samantha is fighting off menopause. Miranda's story line is resolved in maybe ten minutes, max. Charlotte and Samantha's last a little while longer, but take a backseat because there's pretty stuff to look at. And then Carrie runs into Aidan in a market, and has an affair with him. Out of guilt, she tells Big the news, and comes home to find him in bed with Penélope Cruz's character. Their marriage is over.
…Okay, I lied. Carrie's story line is nowhere near that interesting. Yes, Penélope Cruz briefly flirts with Big. Yes, Carrie runs into Aidan and later goes out to dinner with him. Yes, they share a kiss, and yes, she tells Big about it. But. That's. It. No consequences. No weakening of relationships. No nothing.
This is Sex and the City 2: a two-and-a-half-hour-long juggernaut without a plot. But lots of nice things to see.
3. The film makes the main characters echoes of their former selves and separates them from reality.
What this film shows us is that even the deepest of characters can be blinded by fistfuls of cash. When the first film (which wasn't perfect, but not nearly as bad as this one) ended, Carrie had her little apartment near Barney's, Charlotte had her two babies, Miranda had her family, and Samantha had her libido. Now, all of them are extremely wealthy and Carrie spends all her time incensed at Big because he doesn't live up to her high expectations. We're in the middle of a recession, and these four (with the exception of Miranda) seem to get wealthier and wealthier and worry more about themselves and less about the real world.
4. Screenwriter/director Michael Patrick King needs to be lobotomized.
I could forgive him for the first film. He wrote the series, and it was slightly understandable therefore that the first movie was a melodramatic string of episodes mashed together. I thought he'd get his shit together in time to write the second film. What he did with this one was the polar opposite of what he did with the first; he took something that could have been maybe forty minutes (tops) in length and stretched it into 146 minutes. And instead of pumping it full of drama and life lessons, as he did with the first, he wrote a script that could be summed up in twenty words: Big wants to sit on the couch all day, leaving Carrie peeved, and Samantha brings the girls to Abu Dhabi.
5. From the very beginning, it was just…weird.
Five minutes in, we have the Anthony/Stanford wedding (again, a horrific idea). Anthony reveals that he's going to cheat on Stanford in any state in which their marriage isn't legal. Stanford already knows this and tells Carrie he's okay with it.
What?
At the reception, a couple (who never even say their names) lean over to Carrie and Big and the wife tells Carrie that her life is just. Like. Hers. And they're having kids soon! Are Carrie and Big having kids? No. The couple looks at them strangely, and there's a long, awkward pause.
What?
That's all I can remember right now, but the list goes on and on, which leaves me thinking…"What the hell?!"
All in all, this movie was hideously unimpressive. I dread the third installment in the trilogy.
SUNSHINE CLEANING
Hideously underwhelming, with plot holes I could drive a U-Haul trunk through.
ORPHAN
As usual, there's The Wife Who No One Believes and The Husband Who Doesn't Believe Anything Is Amiss and The Evil Demon Child Who Is Not What She Seems. It's far from perfect, but one of the best thrillers I've seen recently.
HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG
It has a strong start, but Ron Eldard's character fucks everything up, and not in a good or even palatable way.
ALICE IN WONDERLAND (2010)
A glorious reimagining of a trite legend. Tim Burton reigns triumphant.
THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
One of the best movies ever made.
ABRAZOS ROTOS (BROKEN EMBRACES)
A lovely, albeit chliché, story about A Love That Will Never Be.
THE INVENTION OF LYING
Oh, Ricky Gervais. So brilliant. So underwhelming.
THE ROAD
Even better than the book. It's harrowing and haunting, with superb acting and direction.
SIDEWAYS
I dunno. For a Best Picture nominee, I expected a little something more.
SHUTTER ISLAND
Martin Scorsese makes up for the inanity of The Departed with this beautiful mystery. I would say it was near-perfect, but it's so similar to Memento that I mostly figured out the major plot twist at the end when I was halfway through.
DAYBREAKERS
One of the better things to emerge from the vampire frenzy overtaking the country.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Uh…you know, movies are supposed to have an overarching theme. Or at least a point to make. This has the feel of a film made simply to be eaten up by the Oscar voters.
THE LOVELY BONES
Really, Peter Jackson? Really? You take one of the best books of the decade and make it into a maudlin charade in which CGI, and not a coherent story line, is the base of the plot? It's a decent adaptation, but still…
SEX AND THE CITY 2
Oh, Christ.
So, Keeping up with the Kardashians. Before I discuss why it's so bad that it's good, I'll include the Kardashian-Jenner family tree.
Robert Kardashian (deceased) ≠ Kristen "Kris" Houghton
……⤷ Kourtney Kardashian = Scott Disick
………… ⤷ Mason Dash Disick
……⤷ Kimberly "Kim" Kardashian ≠ Damon Thomas
……⤷ Khloé Kardashian = Lamar Odom
……⤷ Robert "Rob" Kardashian, Jr.Bruce Jenner ≠ Chrystie Crownover
……⤷ Casey Jenner
……⤷ Burt Jenner
Bruce Jenner ≠ Linda Thompson
……⤷ Brandon Jenner
……⤷ Brody Jenner
Kristen "Kris" Houghton = Bruce Jenner
……⤷ Kendall Jenner
……⤷ Kylie Jenner
As you can see, there's a lot to keep up with.
Each major cast member seems to embody a different aspect of the series. Matriarch Kris is manipulation, Bruce is naïveté, Khloé is humor, Kim is egocentrism, Kourtney is devotion, and Rob is nonchalance. The reason this works is because the members of this family are all extremely impulsive, which leads to several clashes over minutia per episode. Kris is a horrific mother, and frequently uses sex and drugs to get her way. And Bruce, being a push-over, allows this. Likely because of Kris's bad parenting, the Kardashian daughters have no idea how to resolve conflicts, which creates a ton of - dare I say it - drama among the family.
The reason I watch is because of those rare episodes in which characters are taken out of their comfort zones and have experiences that challenge them. In one episode, a cynophobic Kim finds a stray chihuahua wandering around a strip mall. Unable to find its owner, she takes it in and tries to care for it until she realizes she has no idea how to do so. Upon bringing the dog to the vet, Kim discovers the poor animal has a fever. After more tests are run, it's discovered that the dog's uterus is filled with fluid, and has to have it removed. Ultimately, Kim cannot care for the dog, so she has to give it up. In another episode, Khloé takes an anger management class:
NOTE: This is not nearly verbatim.
INSTRUCTOR. Why are you here?
KHLOÉ. Because my brother-in-law is a douche lord.
INSTRUCTOR. Okay, now I want you to pretend that Kim is your brother-in-law. Tell him how you feel.
KHLOÉ. Scott, I think you're a douche lord.
As funny as this is, Khloé eventually realizes that the major reason she hates Scott so much is that she feels he's taking Kourtney away from her. These plot lines show that these people are actually that - real people. And I lose faith in humanity a little less.
Sex and the City, the series, was about empowerment, love, sex, and life lessons. It was an homage to sisterhood, romance, drama, and togetherness. It was a celebration of strength, tenderness, risk-taking, and wisdom.
What Michael Patrick King has done in Sex and the City 2 to the reputation of the television show that defined the early millennium is atrocious. This film is a farce; the characters have little depth, the plot is nonexistent, nothing really happens, and, as David Edelstein says in New York Magazine, "it seems to justify every nasty thing said and written about the series." Even my mom hated it, and she loves Sex and the City. She made my sister and me watch the show instead of giving us the sex talk!
I now present a list of the inherent problems in this film:
1. It reinforces hurtful stereotypes about Arabs and Muslims.
Upon arriving at their Abu Dhabi hotel, Carrie says of niqāb-sporting passersby, "It's like they don't want them to have voices." If they had stopped there, it would have been a little more than enough. But criticism of Middle Eastern culture in this film is rampant, and not in a way that is beneficial, thought-provoking, or even essential to the plot. Samantha's purse rips open in a marketplace, allowing scores of condoms to fall to the sandy ground. A mob of Arab men quickly forms and begins to pursue her in anger. When a burqa-clad citizen leads the foursome to a secret, women-only hideaway, I expected the enclave of Muslim women there to ask Samantha for her condoms, which are forbidden in the culture. This would have made the whole Abu Dhabi part of the film seem somewhat worthwhile, and it would have presented a very probing point about the extravagance of American culture, of which we all take advantage.
Instead, the women strip away their garments, showing that underneath, they're wearing Alexander McQueen's newest collection. What the shit is this? I want to know where in Michael Patrick King's brain the aneurysm occurred that made him think that this would be appropriate and realistic.
2. Too much art, not enough matter.
This film is centered on extravagance. Big and Carrie live in a gigundo apartment and still own Carrie's old studio. Samantha has an office overlooking Times Square. Charlotte and Harry live in a huge apartment and can afford a full-time nanny. Stanford and Anthony (which is the most ridiculous coupling the franchise could have produced) have a lavish wedding ceremony complete with a chorus, a small indoor river, and Liza Minnelli. The foursome fly first-class to Abu Dhabi, and in lieu of seats, each woman practically has a small suite on the airplane. In their hotel, they don't get a room - they get a floor. With four servants. And then there are the ever-changing outfits. I would imagine that upwards of 80% of the film's $95 million budget was funneled into this farcical profligacy.
Between all these instances of prodigality, which are meant to awe us but just leave us dazed and disgusted, the "plot" somehow happens. Carrie and Big are getting bored with each other. Charlotte can't handle motherhood. Miranda has an asshole boss. Samantha is fighting off menopause. Miranda's story line is resolved in maybe ten minutes, max. Charlotte and Samantha's last a little while longer, but take a backseat because there's pretty stuff to look at. And then Carrie runs into Aidan in a market, and has an affair with him. Out of guilt, she tells Big the news, and comes home to find him in bed with Penélope Cruz's character. Their marriage is over.
…Okay, I lied. Carrie's story line is nowhere near that interesting. Yes, Penélope Cruz briefly flirts with Big. Yes, Carrie runs into Aidan and later goes out to dinner with him. Yes, they share a kiss, and yes, she tells Big about it. But. That's. It. No consequences. No weakening of relationships. No nothing.
This is Sex and the City 2: a two-and-a-half-hour-long juggernaut without a plot. But lots of nice things to see.
3. The film makes the main characters echoes of their former selves and separates them from reality.
What this film shows us is that even the deepest of characters can be blinded by fistfuls of cash. When the first film (which wasn't perfect, but not nearly as bad as this one) ended, Carrie had her little apartment near Barney's, Charlotte had her two babies, Miranda had her family, and Samantha had her libido. Now, all of them are extremely wealthy and Carrie spends all her time incensed at Big because he doesn't live up to her high expectations. We're in the middle of a recession, and these four (with the exception of Miranda) seem to get wealthier and wealthier and worry more about themselves and less about the real world.
4. Screenwriter/director Michael Patrick King needs to be lobotomized.
I could forgive him for the first film. He wrote the series, and it was slightly understandable therefore that the first movie was a melodramatic string of episodes mashed together. I thought he'd get his shit together in time to write the second film. What he did with this one was the polar opposite of what he did with the first; he took something that could have been maybe forty minutes (tops) in length and stretched it into 146 minutes. And instead of pumping it full of drama and life lessons, as he did with the first, he wrote a script that could be summed up in twenty words: Big wants to sit on the couch all day, leaving Carrie peeved, and Samantha brings the girls to Abu Dhabi.
5. From the very beginning, it was just…weird.
Five minutes in, we have the Anthony/Stanford wedding (again, a horrific idea). Anthony reveals that he's going to cheat on Stanford in any state in which their marriage isn't legal. Stanford already knows this and tells Carrie he's okay with it.
What?
At the reception, a couple (who never even say their names) lean over to Carrie and Big and the wife tells Carrie that her life is just. Like. Hers. And they're having kids soon! Are Carrie and Big having kids? No. The couple looks at them strangely, and there's a long, awkward pause.
What?
That's all I can remember right now, but the list goes on and on, which leaves me thinking…"What the hell?!"
All in all, this movie was hideously unimpressive. I dread the third installment in the trilogy.