thanksgiving spew
I don't know what to say, or how to say it. Guess I'll say
Things are pretty screwed up right now.
I mean, inside.
It ain't been quite right for a while yet, but... it seems worse to just let it be... now.
Thanksgiving's giving me some trouble. I don't feel thankful.
I wish I could reach out. Wish I could wish you all a happy one.
And it's not that I don't want you to have a happy thanksgiving. (In fact, I do. Want you to, that is. Happy Thanksgiving.)
I just... it's stuck, somehow. Somewhere.
I don't have the strength for wholesome, proper well-wishing. Sounds stupid to me, but it's how it feels. I feel so tight and dried up, all caught up and running from everything. Can't really pull up the sentiment to be the me I've wanted.
And I'm already sick of the complaint in this entry. I don't want to complain about this. Fact is, I'd rather ignore it.
And I have been. But it doesn't really work that well, trying to ignore yourself. I mean, if you aren't talking to you, it makes those long nights awful lonely.
And other people are only temporary relief from the awkward silences between myself. Silence has become habitual. But not comfortable.
And I want to scrap this whole entry, start over. "happy thanksgiving" and nothing.
But there's enough nothing. And giving it away doesn't leave any less.
I'm not sure what to do.
I don't feel like talking about this stuff. It's ugly and petty and boring and needy. (Whatever "this stuff" really is...)
But then I don't feel that much like talking about anything else.
I mean, I want to tell you all about my dinners with Kenji and his family, about how Megumi, his baby, has really been keeping me alive, about some of the experiences as TA (I taught a class for the first time a couple weeks ago), about my plans, my struggles to hold onto those plans, about my upcoming trip to Thailand. Most especially I want to talk about my trip to Thailand.
But I don't really want to talk about how my sister got married two weeks ago, my other sister's getting married in February, my brother's finishing his thesis and applying to fifteen different PhD programs, my other sister is angry, my decaying resolve, the feeling of estrangement in my friendship with Yunkyoung (my fault), the tremendous sickening lethargy that's haunting me.
I have no romance in me.
No interests, no prospects, no sparks. Not even much longing.
Just an aloof appreciation for love songs. I've been enjoying soul and R&B music a lot lately. (Ha! Making up for a lack?)
My faith in romance has escaped.
The extent to which this may be tied to the other landslides in my mind demonstrates a great weakness, I think. (Ha, again! The man thinks he ought to get on well enough without love. The fool!)
I hope writing some of this nonsense out has helped. 'Cause otherwise, it's just embarrassing.
Things are pretty screwed up right now.
I mean, inside.
It ain't been quite right for a while yet, but... it seems worse to just let it be... now.
Thanksgiving's giving me some trouble. I don't feel thankful.
I wish I could reach out. Wish I could wish you all a happy one.
And it's not that I don't want you to have a happy thanksgiving. (In fact, I do. Want you to, that is. Happy Thanksgiving.)
I just... it's stuck, somehow. Somewhere.
I don't have the strength for wholesome, proper well-wishing. Sounds stupid to me, but it's how it feels. I feel so tight and dried up, all caught up and running from everything. Can't really pull up the sentiment to be the me I've wanted.
And I'm already sick of the complaint in this entry. I don't want to complain about this. Fact is, I'd rather ignore it.
And I have been. But it doesn't really work that well, trying to ignore yourself. I mean, if you aren't talking to you, it makes those long nights awful lonely.
And other people are only temporary relief from the awkward silences between myself. Silence has become habitual. But not comfortable.
And I want to scrap this whole entry, start over. "happy thanksgiving" and nothing.
But there's enough nothing. And giving it away doesn't leave any less.
I'm not sure what to do.
I don't feel like talking about this stuff. It's ugly and petty and boring and needy. (Whatever "this stuff" really is...)
But then I don't feel that much like talking about anything else.
I mean, I want to tell you all about my dinners with Kenji and his family, about how Megumi, his baby, has really been keeping me alive, about some of the experiences as TA (I taught a class for the first time a couple weeks ago), about my plans, my struggles to hold onto those plans, about my upcoming trip to Thailand. Most especially I want to talk about my trip to Thailand.
But I don't really want to talk about how my sister got married two weeks ago, my other sister's getting married in February, my brother's finishing his thesis and applying to fifteen different PhD programs, my other sister is angry, my decaying resolve, the feeling of estrangement in my friendship with Yunkyoung (my fault), the tremendous sickening lethargy that's haunting me.
I have no romance in me.
No interests, no prospects, no sparks. Not even much longing.
Just an aloof appreciation for love songs. I've been enjoying soul and R&B music a lot lately. (Ha! Making up for a lack?)
My faith in romance has escaped.
The extent to which this may be tied to the other landslides in my mind demonstrates a great weakness, I think. (Ha, again! The man thinks he ought to get on well enough without love. The fool!)
I hope writing some of this nonsense out has helped. 'Cause otherwise, it's just embarrassing.