i must be patient. it will come. i think it will come. i have been waiting.
Ah. Such a stressful time these days. I want to sleep, I want to lie in the sunshine, I want to go swimming, I want to draw and talk on the phone and see all of my old friends and watch movies and look at trees and feel the wind and touch the grass and... and just and just to breathe.
Smell the air.
Feet in the sand, toes wriggling in the loam, lying on the pine needles and long dewy grass.
I want to breathe in without that constricting feeling, that sharp catching tug, without the rush to the next breath. I want to hold my breath for as long as I like, let my face turn red and not to care and just suck that oxygen back in when I'm good and ready- that sweet sharp tang of needed air in stretched lungs. And laugh at the thrill.
I feel a scream bubbling through me, quieter than the creaking in my neck and elbow, but building up and frothy.
Tiny sobs creep into my throat and surprise me like wretched acid burps. A little spasm and a sour aftertaste. Infrequent, unsatisfying episodes.
I want to play with dandelions.
More than that, I want to teach and learn and study and tutor and *feel* like I am playing with dandelions. I want this to be easy; I want to be natural. I want a balance between my parts that satisfies.