means of liberation

[jh84]

so, I am thoroughly disappointed with my parents for moving here to America. I think I could/would have been happier in Inida. I certainly would have been more moral. I would have been more innocent, or naive however you wanna look at it. That carefreeness is hard to replace. How much different this soul would be had it been in India still. Would I have done better with myself? Would I have made a difference in the world? Would I have accomplished something in life already? I most certainly would have been more religious.Is that a good thing? Again it ties back to the naivety; is it better to question the exsistence of a divine entity than to simply and blindly and with complete faith believe in something so great as a divine entity? Wouldn't it be great to have such faith in anything. Such a powerful notion. Its like me asking is it better to be an idiot who thinks he knows all and is happy with himself, or is it better to be knowledgeable enough to know you don't know all and not be happy. True, you are not an idiot, but if it means that I have to pay for my knowledge with my happiness. Is the juice worth the squeeze? I feel like I am torn between two cultures. Back in India I would have been seriously thinking about marraige and having kids around this point in my life. I currently want children. I want a family. I want a happy marraige. I want to be able to look into the eyes of my kids and smile. I want to teach this vast amount of useless information I have in my noggin to someone else. I wonder what my children would be like? Would they look like me? Their mother? Will I marry someone attractive? Or will I finally give up and just end up marrying someone because I realize that life will pass me by if I wait around for someone who I believe to be the perfect woman. Would they have similar interests as me? Would they too be eaten alive by this wolf that is the american culture? Would I be a good father? A bad father? A good husband? Would I love my children just as much if they were born with a defect? What if by chance I had a mentally handicapped child, what then? Would I still love him/her with just as much as I would any other child that I could have had. Does it make me a bad person for asking that question? I too am only a man. I have dreams and aspirations to do things with my children, if those dreams and aspirtions are taken away from me, am I not allowed the rights to be regretful? Being here in America I feel like a stone in the river bed, and everyone and everything aorund me is the water. This culture, my friends, my family, they all slowly erode and change me, but the essence of me is still the same. But its like I am not moving at all. Every now and then I get a great big push but most of the time I am just there getting moldy. I had a chance to be the water back in India I think. I would not have been so heavily influenced by everything. I would have been purer. Definetly not so depressed. The weirdest thing is that I am so fond of this place that I wanted to grow up in, but I do everything in my power to disassociate myself with it. I have these wonderful memories of a place that is so vastly different now. In all honesty I probably would have grown up kind of the same if I was raised in India. There would obviously have been subtle details that were different, but then again life is in the details.

I have so much more that I want to write about but I just can't sit here anymore and keep typing.