(no subject)
so the entries in this thing have become too scarce and too few. In
this rarity of an entry, I wanna state whats been on my mind. Lately it
feels like I am not the person that I envisioned myself growing up to
be, or atleast what I was when I was younger. I would like to say that
when I was in highschool, when I said something I would do it. My word
meant something, but now it seems that I too have been sucked into the
vast nothingness that is the average person. I am not unique anymore it
feels. I feel I am just another face in the blur of everyday life. I
find myself saying things which I never plan on doing. Saying things
that I know to be lies at times. Shit it might be a white lie, sometime
just a slight exaggeration, but still its a lie; and that makes me a
LIAR. Not a man of my word, which I would like to think meant
something, at some point, to someone when I used to say it. But now
when I say something to anyone, its taken trivially. Hell even I,
myself, find it hard to believe myself at times. I find myself
questioning myself. The things that I sometimes do now are not even
like myself. It feels like I am changing into someone I don't like.
Someone I wouldn't want to associate myself with. The notions people
had about me when I was in highschool were something I was proud of.
Now if you ask a person, what kind of a person am I, the answer might
consist words such as: arrogant, cocky, facetious, whimsical,
irresponsible, unreliable, drunk, and dare I say it? Fake! I know
inside of me there is still that person I used to be/ still am, just
DEEP inside somewhere. If I wasn't I wouldn't be thinking about this,
and worrying so much about it. I wanna be someone different again. But
its hard to change. Especially for the better. ITs hard to take the
right roads again, I wanna believe that I have the strength to change,
but the current me doesn't work like that, I bitch but do nothing about
it. So more than likely this is the farthest it will get. Its like I
see the person I want to be slowly being tortured and killed in front
of my eyes but I am trapped in a cell to which I hold the key, but am
too stupid to use and get out. If that makes any sense.