what the fuck
i seriously don't understand people sometimes. I really don't. Apparently even after I have done LITERALLY everything I could to help, it doesn't mean shit. When the help is no longer there, I'm not worth shit anymore. Not worth the time to pick up the phone and say hey, what's up ? how ya doing? wanna hang out sometime? Nope, not at all. I'm not sure whether I'm pissed or hurt. A little of both, maybe I'm pissed because I'm so hurt. I'm tired of making the effort. I don't want to lose someone who's been one of my best friends for going on 5 years now but what the hell am I supposed to think? If you're pissed? Fine, be pissed, but tell me so we can figure out what the hell is up. Nervous? Weirded out? anxious? ashamed? whatever emotion fits best, Fine, so be it- but I'm one of the most understanding people in the world, If I count you among my friends, I will do everything I can until I feel shit upon, and even then I will try to be a good friend and make the effort, but no longer, I need reciprocal feelings. If you want to be my friend act like it. Best friend? bullshit, you don't treat your best friends like that. you just dont.
I feel abandoned right now. and it sucks. the only time i've seen you since you moved out has been to get your stuff. You read one myspace message, didn't respond. Haven't read the other, probably because you dont want me to see that you have read it and not responded. I've sent you texts, I've called your phone, I've left you voicemails, I've left you messages on yahoo. You check all these things religiously, so you can't pretend that you haven't gotten a single one of them. Are you avoiding me because you owe me money? if so, that's just plain stupid. Yes I need the money, but that doesn't mean I dont still love and care about you and want to hang out with you. I pulled out the Ghost book we started the other day, made me sad. Right now, I'm not sure if we'll even finish it. Am I over reacting? maybe, but put yourself in my position. I let you and Tom live with me for FOUR months. In my living room. Because I love you and want you to be happy and I knew that being with Tom would make you happy. It wasn't easy for anyone. I had fun most of the time, sometimes frustrated, I tried to find both of you jobs, places to live, cars, everything I knew to help you out. And I was still willing to do so, even though i greatly wanted my own space and my own time. I dont mind giving up my stuff to help people who I count as my best friend. Your actions are the reason that stopped. You lie to me and that means it's no longer me helping a friend, it's a friend taking advantage of me. It pissed me off yes, but even more than that, it really hurt my feelings. I said what I had to say, I did what I had to do and I forgave you. I moved on because I wasn't willing to let a 5 year friendship go down the drain. I tried to make an effort afterwards. Calling, texting, messaging. And it's like pulling teeth to make contact. Sure, your phone doesn't always ring like it's supposed to, you may not get my voicemails for a couple of hours or days, but you could pick up your phone and call me just because. It's free, not like you have to worry about minutes. You have the time- You sit in montgomery waiting on tom to get off work for several hours, chilling in the bookstore- why does it not occur to you "hey, haven't talked to jessica in a while, I think i'll call and say what's up." If you're mad for some reason that I can not fathom, fine I know you have no problems telling people when they piss you off- so tell me. I'm sitting in the dark here.
Here's how it looks to me: I asked you to move out because you lied to me. It went better than I expected. I believed you when you said you were sorry. It felt heartfelt and sincere. That made me optimistic, because I was really worried about losing one of my best friends. So you two leave. and you pop in to see justin and scott for about 30 minutes before they leave to go back. then I dont see you again until you come to get stuff. talk to you what.. maybe once or twice online and phone? Then you appear to avoid me, until you realize I have Tom's Check from work. So you come to get it, and the rest of your stuff. You say you'll have the rest of the money by monday or wednesday when you get paid. Fine. Monday came and went. so did tuesday, and now so has wednesday. This isn't about the money. This is about you fucking avoiding me. I dont understand why and it pisses me off. And if you aren't avoiding me, then you sure as hell aren't making an effort to be my friend. Basically it reads to me as : I wouldn't let you and tom stay here anymore, so it's not worth it to put in the effort to be my friend, cause I have nothing left to offer. If I'm wrong, then for fuck sakes tell me cause i'm damned clueless here.
the thing is, I have other friends. I have friends who call me, who come see me, who love and care about me and would do anything for me. I have friends who return my phone calls and I have friends who are there for me. I'm not lacking in the friend department, I've always maintained that I have been extremely fortunate in having the best friends a person could ask for.
I'm trying for you because I love you and you are one of my closest friends. You get me, or at least I thought you did. 5 years. I can see all of us being old and wrinkly in rocking chairs together, so i don't get why you're acting this way.
Send me something, let me know if I'm wasting my time and maybe give me a reason to want to keep trying.
I feel abandoned right now. and it sucks. the only time i've seen you since you moved out has been to get your stuff. You read one myspace message, didn't respond. Haven't read the other, probably because you dont want me to see that you have read it and not responded. I've sent you texts, I've called your phone, I've left you voicemails, I've left you messages on yahoo. You check all these things religiously, so you can't pretend that you haven't gotten a single one of them. Are you avoiding me because you owe me money? if so, that's just plain stupid. Yes I need the money, but that doesn't mean I dont still love and care about you and want to hang out with you. I pulled out the Ghost book we started the other day, made me sad. Right now, I'm not sure if we'll even finish it. Am I over reacting? maybe, but put yourself in my position. I let you and Tom live with me for FOUR months. In my living room. Because I love you and want you to be happy and I knew that being with Tom would make you happy. It wasn't easy for anyone. I had fun most of the time, sometimes frustrated, I tried to find both of you jobs, places to live, cars, everything I knew to help you out. And I was still willing to do so, even though i greatly wanted my own space and my own time. I dont mind giving up my stuff to help people who I count as my best friend. Your actions are the reason that stopped. You lie to me and that means it's no longer me helping a friend, it's a friend taking advantage of me. It pissed me off yes, but even more than that, it really hurt my feelings. I said what I had to say, I did what I had to do and I forgave you. I moved on because I wasn't willing to let a 5 year friendship go down the drain. I tried to make an effort afterwards. Calling, texting, messaging. And it's like pulling teeth to make contact. Sure, your phone doesn't always ring like it's supposed to, you may not get my voicemails for a couple of hours or days, but you could pick up your phone and call me just because. It's free, not like you have to worry about minutes. You have the time- You sit in montgomery waiting on tom to get off work for several hours, chilling in the bookstore- why does it not occur to you "hey, haven't talked to jessica in a while, I think i'll call and say what's up." If you're mad for some reason that I can not fathom, fine I know you have no problems telling people when they piss you off- so tell me. I'm sitting in the dark here.
Here's how it looks to me: I asked you to move out because you lied to me. It went better than I expected. I believed you when you said you were sorry. It felt heartfelt and sincere. That made me optimistic, because I was really worried about losing one of my best friends. So you two leave. and you pop in to see justin and scott for about 30 minutes before they leave to go back. then I dont see you again until you come to get stuff. talk to you what.. maybe once or twice online and phone? Then you appear to avoid me, until you realize I have Tom's Check from work. So you come to get it, and the rest of your stuff. You say you'll have the rest of the money by monday or wednesday when you get paid. Fine. Monday came and went. so did tuesday, and now so has wednesday. This isn't about the money. This is about you fucking avoiding me. I dont understand why and it pisses me off. And if you aren't avoiding me, then you sure as hell aren't making an effort to be my friend. Basically it reads to me as : I wouldn't let you and tom stay here anymore, so it's not worth it to put in the effort to be my friend, cause I have nothing left to offer. If I'm wrong, then for fuck sakes tell me cause i'm damned clueless here.
the thing is, I have other friends. I have friends who call me, who come see me, who love and care about me and would do anything for me. I have friends who return my phone calls and I have friends who are there for me. I'm not lacking in the friend department, I've always maintained that I have been extremely fortunate in having the best friends a person could ask for.
I'm trying for you because I love you and you are one of my closest friends. You get me, or at least I thought you did. 5 years. I can see all of us being old and wrinkly in rocking chairs together, so i don't get why you're acting this way.
Send me something, let me know if I'm wasting my time and maybe give me a reason to want to keep trying.