fucking up life
ok so tons of bullshit going on. i finally start liking this kid and i fucked it up as usual. he says i got too attached to fast but i think it was him that did so then got freaked out cuz he still not over his cunt ass ex. she dont want him at all anymore yet he still harboring the pain for her. i got too pushy i guess in trying to get him to stop thinking bout her and be around me instead. i mean im still hurting from all the head game shit with chris but im not letting all that keep me from moving on and trying to be happy again. especially with someone i thought that would be good for me. first convo that i think started really pushin him away after he was already avoiding me for like 2 weeks after we had been chillin every other day and talkin every day through texts. Then hestops and takes forever to respond to me or doesn’t at all. I probably did come off as cling or needy but I'm not the type of person that jumps from guy to guy and has rugal feelings. No, I am stubborn and stupid and care for just one strongly at a time and if your lucky to have that I care for you and only you and do my damn best to make sure your happy and hope u do the same for me. So yeah i come off clingy or needy but only because I make ppl I like my number one priority. Hell he didn’t seem to have an isse w me waning to b so close and around so much until the week before he was about to see his ex. Then he started his emo shit of I don’t care anymore I'm just givin up shit. like kim said before i was getting happier than i had in a while. to b truthful since p__o was chasin me and tryin to get me to be his, before that shit went down
convo1
Me: u feelin any better than u were this weekend
Him: nope
Me: u know back rubs help get rid of stress ;)
Him: no I wanna just be alone
Me: that’s all well and good but not all the time. Its not healthy and just makes things worse inside
Him: well I’m just giving up an it doesn’t matter so ill figure something out
Me: what exactly u given up on. Course it matters mike, please don’t be like that or down on yourself. U don’t deserve it
Him: given up on everything. I just don’t are now
Me: really mr don’t care what others say I’m just worryin bout makin me happy above it all has given up. Hard to believe. What brought this on
Him: I just realized I got nothing I want going for me, an I don’t care what others say. So im just gonna do nothing an live on
Me: if you got nothing you want then try to go for it. You cant stop living because of bad shit. its not worth it to let the bad stuff over run you, especially a good person like yourself that would be missed if he ran and hid
Him: not hidin. I'm just not carin anymore. When I try I get shot down, when I wanna have a good time it don’t work. I quit so now I work then work more. Real life.
Me: That’s not real life. That’s hiding yourself from pain
Him: no life is you work, pay your bills, an get fucked over then repeat
Me: who fucked you over? Seriously what happened that caused this change in you mike
Him: life fucked me.
Me: no someone hurt you mentally and ur blaming yourself for it. It hurts bad and just easier to say life sucks than so and so and that you don’t need them if they gonna hurt you like this. What the fuck happened
Him: I'm not going over this anymore
Me: technically you haven’t gone over anything except you tried being w someone they denied u. ur friends are asses that cant come out and share a good time, ur stuck doin nothing but work. Your given up on changing any of that because of fear of more pain. Pain is a part of life, it makes you stronger.
Silence followed that. I think what hurt the most was what ended it completely thou. The conversation Friday I pushed too far and he is done with me I guesss. I mean its hard to say, he hasnt talked to me since. I guess ill let you be the judge and see why.
Me: have you thought anymore about tomoro
Him: Wat about it?
Me: The show, kmc, going with me as my treat.
Him: I'm all set
Me: why is this
Him: bc I'm all set
Me: ur being stupid an I wish I knew y
Him: no I'm bein me
Me: no. u is the guy that drove to me on his bike cuz he knew I was upset. The guy that made me laugh when I wanted to cry. The guy that was ok w just playin video games w me by his side, the guy that made me happy and feel free from hell
Me: ur not this person so hung up on his insignificant ex an the pain she caused to live on. Fuck pain. I still feel it from chris but I'm not gonna stop living bc of him
Him: I am living my way. w/o a care in the world. The best way
Me: no its not. U’d miss out on so much. Trust me. I been hidin from everythin from fear of pissing off chris an missed on so much. Hidin doesn’t stop pain, it just leads to bigger problems.
Him: yeah that’s why all of high school I was happy
Me: happy cuz u were protected from bigger issues. School was my escape I was happy there. U don’t realize the shit going on around u an u get lost
Me: u got fucked over. Deal w it already. Stop hidin from the world cuz u got had an move on. Movin on is the only way to stop an everything,the memories the time the happiness that was, to stop hurtin
Him: k, u don’t know me enough to get involved in my shit so STOP! U have no clue how I deal or anything. I have the ppl I talk to an guess what ur not one of them
Me: sorry. Ijust don’t like ppl I know givin up. Especially someone I was startin to care about. An for the record I been tryin to know u better an understand u better but u been too busy pushin me away to realize it. Again sorry.
He never sent anything back. It sucks yet again I speak my mind and get hurt. Ditched. Left alone. I swear I'm cursed. Ppl that are named chris and those that are named mike. The chris stalk me and r freaky obsessed. mikes are too hung up on there exes to see something good that could help them move on and forget the pain. So they just use me for a bit, wait til I get attached or start falling for them then bail. What hurts most is I keep trusting the wrong ppl. The people I want, stop wanting me right when I really want them, not just lust for them. The people that want me have already hurt me or not what I want, not the type of person I want in my life.
O and on side note. I punched fox in the face. Actually made him wince and do the nose check where u press on it and pinch it to relieve pain. Yeah he was saying I'm like skt, katie and these other bitches that r on again off again with guys. He says I'm that way w chris. One week I'm fucking him one week I'm not. He had the fucking balls to not only compare me to these fools but to say it in front of said person I wanted to be with you. So I clocked him. I hit him good. Actually bruised my rigt ring finger bc of my claddagh ring. It felt good..just sucks thou bc along with mike not speakin to me neither is he. wish i could get chris to stop callin me and making me feel horrible like he did last night. god damn this life. Again I just keep fucking up shit everywhere I go
convo1
Me: u feelin any better than u were this weekend
Him: nope
Me: u know back rubs help get rid of stress ;)
Him: no I wanna just be alone
Me: that’s all well and good but not all the time. Its not healthy and just makes things worse inside
Him: well I’m just giving up an it doesn’t matter so ill figure something out
Me: what exactly u given up on. Course it matters mike, please don’t be like that or down on yourself. U don’t deserve it
Him: given up on everything. I just don’t are now
Me: really mr don’t care what others say I’m just worryin bout makin me happy above it all has given up. Hard to believe. What brought this on
Him: I just realized I got nothing I want going for me, an I don’t care what others say. So im just gonna do nothing an live on
Me: if you got nothing you want then try to go for it. You cant stop living because of bad shit. its not worth it to let the bad stuff over run you, especially a good person like yourself that would be missed if he ran and hid
Him: not hidin. I'm just not carin anymore. When I try I get shot down, when I wanna have a good time it don’t work. I quit so now I work then work more. Real life.
Me: That’s not real life. That’s hiding yourself from pain
Him: no life is you work, pay your bills, an get fucked over then repeat
Me: who fucked you over? Seriously what happened that caused this change in you mike
Him: life fucked me.
Me: no someone hurt you mentally and ur blaming yourself for it. It hurts bad and just easier to say life sucks than so and so and that you don’t need them if they gonna hurt you like this. What the fuck happened
Him: I'm not going over this anymore
Me: technically you haven’t gone over anything except you tried being w someone they denied u. ur friends are asses that cant come out and share a good time, ur stuck doin nothing but work. Your given up on changing any of that because of fear of more pain. Pain is a part of life, it makes you stronger.
Silence followed that. I think what hurt the most was what ended it completely thou. The conversation Friday I pushed too far and he is done with me I guesss. I mean its hard to say, he hasnt talked to me since. I guess ill let you be the judge and see why.
Me: have you thought anymore about tomoro
Him: Wat about it?
Me: The show, kmc, going with me as my treat.
Him: I'm all set
Me: why is this
Him: bc I'm all set
Me: ur being stupid an I wish I knew y
Him: no I'm bein me
Me: no. u is the guy that drove to me on his bike cuz he knew I was upset. The guy that made me laugh when I wanted to cry. The guy that was ok w just playin video games w me by his side, the guy that made me happy and feel free from hell
Me: ur not this person so hung up on his insignificant ex an the pain she caused to live on. Fuck pain. I still feel it from chris but I'm not gonna stop living bc of him
Him: I am living my way. w/o a care in the world. The best way
Me: no its not. U’d miss out on so much. Trust me. I been hidin from everythin from fear of pissing off chris an missed on so much. Hidin doesn’t stop pain, it just leads to bigger problems.
Him: yeah that’s why all of high school I was happy
Me: happy cuz u were protected from bigger issues. School was my escape I was happy there. U don’t realize the shit going on around u an u get lost
Me: u got fucked over. Deal w it already. Stop hidin from the world cuz u got had an move on. Movin on is the only way to stop an everything,the memories the time the happiness that was, to stop hurtin
Him: k, u don’t know me enough to get involved in my shit so STOP! U have no clue how I deal or anything. I have the ppl I talk to an guess what ur not one of them
Me: sorry. Ijust don’t like ppl I know givin up. Especially someone I was startin to care about. An for the record I been tryin to know u better an understand u better but u been too busy pushin me away to realize it. Again sorry.
He never sent anything back. It sucks yet again I speak my mind and get hurt. Ditched. Left alone. I swear I'm cursed. Ppl that are named chris and those that are named mike. The chris stalk me and r freaky obsessed. mikes are too hung up on there exes to see something good that could help them move on and forget the pain. So they just use me for a bit, wait til I get attached or start falling for them then bail. What hurts most is I keep trusting the wrong ppl. The people I want, stop wanting me right when I really want them, not just lust for them. The people that want me have already hurt me or not what I want, not the type of person I want in my life.
O and on side note. I punched fox in the face. Actually made him wince and do the nose check where u press on it and pinch it to relieve pain. Yeah he was saying I'm like skt, katie and these other bitches that r on again off again with guys. He says I'm that way w chris. One week I'm fucking him one week I'm not. He had the fucking balls to not only compare me to these fools but to say it in front of said person I wanted to be with you. So I clocked him. I hit him good. Actually bruised my rigt ring finger bc of my claddagh ring. It felt good..just sucks thou bc along with mike not speakin to me neither is he. wish i could get chris to stop callin me and making me feel horrible like he did last night. god damn this life. Again I just keep fucking up shit everywhere I go