Sometimes I Wish
That I tried harder in high school. Being in a really difficult college and getting good grades there has made me realize how easy high school was. I could've gotten all A's or mostly A's and gotten a weighted GPA of 4 if I knew how to do it. School is mostly about approach and strategy. I've had to learn that to survive in college. There are certain ways to get A's and if you don't do it a particular way, it'll either be really difficult, or you'll get a B+. The thing is though, that if I did get those good marks in high school, I'd probably end up in a college of the same tier. It was luck that I got into the school I did, there's no denying that. I'm not ashamed to admit that since I'm doing well here, but it was probably because of two factors, my race & the fact that they lost my application and forced me to wait until the last moment to hear the response. I talk to the kids here and they did so much better than me in high school, I sort of laugh on the inside. I got to the same place as them without the same credentials. I'm doing mostly better than my friends at school, but I have some friends who are ridiculously good students and intelligent. I like hanging out with them and studying with them because I can absorb their process and incorporate it into my own to improve it. The thing about me is that I grow a lot. I was the biggest useless piece of shit back in middle school. I got poor grades and was a trouble maker, but I have undergone a series of 'evolutions' to get where I am. I remember them well, the summer before 8th grade, the day I got my braces, & this past winter break. Each time, I think I reached a higher stage of development and became more capable. I think it's because I want to reach my 'highest self' or become the ubermensch and that drives me to improve myself as much as possible. I really do enjoy Nietzsche, but I've found that I've already thought about a lot of his stuff before reading it. Most of his stuff is just: be objective, morals are relative, fuck Christianity, fuck society, have an open mind, strive to reach your highest self, and a bunch of miscellaneous stuff.
Being home has been nice. There has been one thing that I've been thinking about though. My life ended here when I graduated. There's nothing left here for me, it's all back at Rochester, that's where my life is. The two things in my life that I need to do and want are all back there, and I can't get them here. So all time spent here is idle. I suppose that's why it's called a break. I do have a few particular goals that I want to achieve though, which hopefully I will succeed in getting. For the most part, I've been relaxing a lot and hanging out with friends. I've watched a few really good tv shows: Entourage, Dexter, & The Sopranos (not finished yet). All of them are great for their own reasons. I'm in the middle of The Sopranos right now and I love it. I thought it'd be some mediocre mob story, but it's much more than that. I love the conflicts the characters have to face and I love the character development. Chris is probably my favorite character, probably because he has a desire for something more, such as when he wanted to become a screen writer and actually went really far with it. I also respect the fact that he actually love Adriana, or at least it appears that way in my point of the story.
One more thing. This is actually kind of depressing. My friend ran away from his home. He's been a troubled kid ever since his mother died and his life pretty much went all downhill. He first dealt with it by focusing really hard in school and he did really well, he also stayed away from drugs and I was proud of him. Then the pendulum swung. He started getting into drugs (marijuana) and not focusing on school. He pretty much became a joke person who tried to fit it, because he was insecure. He would also get in fights with his aunt. He got into Umass Amherst, which is a really good school. I told him, "look Amherst is a good school, all you have to do is get B's all 4 years and then your life will be good. You can get a decent job, find a nice girl friend, move away from you aunt etc." Well he did really poorly his first semester, mainly due to inactivity and decided to drop out. He then went to Framingham State College, which isn't bad, but he only took two night classes (spanish and something else). I didn't have much contact with him the second semester, but when I got back I called his house and his aunt picked up. When I referenced him, she started to cry and I instantly regretted calling. She told me about how he is living with a friend and won't talk to her. I honestly hate listening to things like that. I'm not naturally in tune with emotions and feel uncomfortable when I have to deal with strong emotions from others. I do feel genuine compassion for my friend though, which is very strange for me. I actually care about my friend. I've tried to distance myself from him because I'm an elitist fuck who thought he shouldn't associate with people like that. That was just my surface thinking though. I think what I thought that because I was afraid to try and help my friend because he is in dire need of it. I care about very few people, I think maybe three, but the few people I care about, I could never abandon. I do feel like it's my responsibility to help my friend, but I feel like everything is my responsibility. So who knows, I'll try to contact him and help him out, but I can't get a hold of him.
Oh yeah, and my dreams aren't dead. That first semester I got a 3.0, but I bounced back and got a 3.6 that next semester and have the possibility of graduating with a 3.7. I tend to get overly dogmatic sometimes.
Being home has been nice. There has been one thing that I've been thinking about though. My life ended here when I graduated. There's nothing left here for me, it's all back at Rochester, that's where my life is. The two things in my life that I need to do and want are all back there, and I can't get them here. So all time spent here is idle. I suppose that's why it's called a break. I do have a few particular goals that I want to achieve though, which hopefully I will succeed in getting. For the most part, I've been relaxing a lot and hanging out with friends. I've watched a few really good tv shows: Entourage, Dexter, & The Sopranos (not finished yet). All of them are great for their own reasons. I'm in the middle of The Sopranos right now and I love it. I thought it'd be some mediocre mob story, but it's much more than that. I love the conflicts the characters have to face and I love the character development. Chris is probably my favorite character, probably because he has a desire for something more, such as when he wanted to become a screen writer and actually went really far with it. I also respect the fact that he actually love Adriana, or at least it appears that way in my point of the story.
One more thing. This is actually kind of depressing. My friend ran away from his home. He's been a troubled kid ever since his mother died and his life pretty much went all downhill. He first dealt with it by focusing really hard in school and he did really well, he also stayed away from drugs and I was proud of him. Then the pendulum swung. He started getting into drugs (marijuana) and not focusing on school. He pretty much became a joke person who tried to fit it, because he was insecure. He would also get in fights with his aunt. He got into Umass Amherst, which is a really good school. I told him, "look Amherst is a good school, all you have to do is get B's all 4 years and then your life will be good. You can get a decent job, find a nice girl friend, move away from you aunt etc." Well he did really poorly his first semester, mainly due to inactivity and decided to drop out. He then went to Framingham State College, which isn't bad, but he only took two night classes (spanish and something else). I didn't have much contact with him the second semester, but when I got back I called his house and his aunt picked up. When I referenced him, she started to cry and I instantly regretted calling. She told me about how he is living with a friend and won't talk to her. I honestly hate listening to things like that. I'm not naturally in tune with emotions and feel uncomfortable when I have to deal with strong emotions from others. I do feel genuine compassion for my friend though, which is very strange for me. I actually care about my friend. I've tried to distance myself from him because I'm an elitist fuck who thought he shouldn't associate with people like that. That was just my surface thinking though. I think what I thought that because I was afraid to try and help my friend because he is in dire need of it. I care about very few people, I think maybe three, but the few people I care about, I could never abandon. I do feel like it's my responsibility to help my friend, but I feel like everything is my responsibility. So who knows, I'll try to contact him and help him out, but I can't get a hold of him.
Oh yeah, and my dreams aren't dead. That first semester I got a 3.0, but I bounced back and got a 3.6 that next semester and have the possibility of graduating with a 3.7. I tend to get overly dogmatic sometimes.