Life as a non-factor
Something became very clear to me today, I don't really matter.
Whether it be with my friends, classes, organizations that I'm apart of, I just don't seem to matter as much as I used to. It's kind of sad really, considering that it's more than likely completely my own fault. As a way of streamlining my life, I kicked out most of the things I love and enjoy. I won't watch House because that'll distract me from the work that I won't end up doing because I'm too miserable and self-loathing to do it anyway. The same goes for videogames. If I even pick up a controller I feel immensely guilty.
I stopped talking to almost all of my friends because I was more concerned about myself and my own goals. I thought that by not talking to Ashley W., Marissa, and Ariel that my life with Ashley L. would be less complicated. One of the reasons I stopped talking to Ashley L. because I thought that she was the one who was distracting me from my goals and was such a drain emotionally. I stopped talking to everyone that I cared about and stopped doing all the things that I loved because I thought that it would make my life easier. How fucking pathetic is that?
So I'm not really that surprised that nobody really seems to actually care. I only seem to matter at all if I'm around, and even then if I'm not around constantly I seem to fade out of consciousness. I'm not someone that you call just on a whim to talk to or if you need advice on some life issue anymore. It feels like I'm already gone before I even know that I'll be in Japan for at least a year. By trying to make my life optimal, I've in fact taken all the joy out of it. To top it all off, I can't even focus enough to do the assignments I need to graduate because I'm so depressed. I'm supposed to graduate in December. If I don't, then it won't happen at all. I won't have the money to take another semester.
Do I really not have time for anything else? I don't know. I'm taking 18 hours of classes, working two jobs when I can, and generally it feels like I don't have a moment to breathe. But I know that if I really wanted it, I could make time for everything that's important to me.
I think that I'm just really scared to committing to something. I'm scared of not having school anymore, but at the same time I'm so tired of it. I'm scared of putting others before myself because I worry that I'll lose sight of myself. My life is so disjointed and so depressing and it's all my own doing. I feel alone even though I know that I'm not. I can't call anyone because it feels like if they really cared they'd be the ones calling me. I'll keep lying to myself to shield and sense of pride that I have left. I'll continue to wait until the last minute to do everything, and then not be able to do them because I waited so long. It feels like my life is a series of missed opportunities to be greater than I am. I could have been a great college student, but I spent so much effort just trying to see how close I could get by scraping by with the bare minimum. Ironically, that's all I know how to do now. Even if I wanted to put in a lot of work or study really hard, my mind has tricked itself into getting distracted or as of late falling asleep whenever I have made time to study or work on a project.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I'm scared that I've lost direction. Everyone else's lives are the same or better if I'm not around. I thought that others were that drain, but it turns out that I was. Whenever I talk to my History professors all I feel is disappointment.
I don't know what to do to turn my life around. I'd desperately like to.
Whether it be with my friends, classes, organizations that I'm apart of, I just don't seem to matter as much as I used to. It's kind of sad really, considering that it's more than likely completely my own fault. As a way of streamlining my life, I kicked out most of the things I love and enjoy. I won't watch House because that'll distract me from the work that I won't end up doing because I'm too miserable and self-loathing to do it anyway. The same goes for videogames. If I even pick up a controller I feel immensely guilty.
I stopped talking to almost all of my friends because I was more concerned about myself and my own goals. I thought that by not talking to Ashley W., Marissa, and Ariel that my life with Ashley L. would be less complicated. One of the reasons I stopped talking to Ashley L. because I thought that she was the one who was distracting me from my goals and was such a drain emotionally. I stopped talking to everyone that I cared about and stopped doing all the things that I loved because I thought that it would make my life easier. How fucking pathetic is that?
So I'm not really that surprised that nobody really seems to actually care. I only seem to matter at all if I'm around, and even then if I'm not around constantly I seem to fade out of consciousness. I'm not someone that you call just on a whim to talk to or if you need advice on some life issue anymore. It feels like I'm already gone before I even know that I'll be in Japan for at least a year. By trying to make my life optimal, I've in fact taken all the joy out of it. To top it all off, I can't even focus enough to do the assignments I need to graduate because I'm so depressed. I'm supposed to graduate in December. If I don't, then it won't happen at all. I won't have the money to take another semester.
Do I really not have time for anything else? I don't know. I'm taking 18 hours of classes, working two jobs when I can, and generally it feels like I don't have a moment to breathe. But I know that if I really wanted it, I could make time for everything that's important to me.
I think that I'm just really scared to committing to something. I'm scared of not having school anymore, but at the same time I'm so tired of it. I'm scared of putting others before myself because I worry that I'll lose sight of myself. My life is so disjointed and so depressing and it's all my own doing. I feel alone even though I know that I'm not. I can't call anyone because it feels like if they really cared they'd be the ones calling me. I'll keep lying to myself to shield and sense of pride that I have left. I'll continue to wait until the last minute to do everything, and then not be able to do them because I waited so long. It feels like my life is a series of missed opportunities to be greater than I am. I could have been a great college student, but I spent so much effort just trying to see how close I could get by scraping by with the bare minimum. Ironically, that's all I know how to do now. Even if I wanted to put in a lot of work or study really hard, my mind has tricked itself into getting distracted or as of late falling asleep whenever I have made time to study or work on a project.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I'm scared that I've lost direction. Everyone else's lives are the same or better if I'm not around. I thought that others were that drain, but it turns out that I was. Whenever I talk to my History professors all I feel is disappointment.
I don't know what to do to turn my life around. I'd desperately like to.