(no subject)
i really have nothing to say, i wish i could delete the last entry because thats just how much reality exists in it, i suppose i wrote it for the sake of writing it and the song i sing, i just sing for the sake of singing it... i like love thats all. i really need to make some money, and that i wish i could get the fuck out of rancho grande so i wont be fucking tired every day that way i can go to the gym since i was getting to a point where i was feeling like i was getting close to the body i wanted, i havnt been there in like 3 weeks now and i miss it. i was thinking of even quitting my morning job just so i could get there and work out the way i like to work out and not hurt myself. maybe if i do my job as a waiter at el rancho ill be better off, not being tired and all that? i dont know though, i feel like i was just working there so i could afford more things i didnt need, and things i dont want anymore. i hate being stuck in the now i guess. im having so much trouble deciding what i want to do next. and im having trouble looking at myself, and if i had more money and more to show for myself maybe ill be happier? maybe i should stick to el rancho just to have an additional 50-70 dollars a day that would mean... i guess 800 a week. meaning a new car in like 5 months. i scored 660 in like 6 days after spending like... 120 on food/gas and other stupid crap/giving money away. and the holiday season is coming up meaning $$$ im waiting for an 80 dolla check from el rancho, i dont know if i should stay or go. im asking a lot of my body and i miss treating it like i once did. i miss walking around in my underwear and looking at myself in the mirror and being proud at what i was doing. i miss seeing a flat stomach and near non existant love handles, i worked so hard for that. i miss having other people being jealous of my biceps and i miss working on my triceps, running a mile before i start all of my work outs doing weights for like 45 minutes and another 45 mins of cardio... i miss drinking nothing but water and eating good stuff for me all the time, i sometimes dont have time to eat now a days and sometimes i see the flabby stomach and just get sick to my stomach. so much for such a big project, im more money hungry than anything... but if i keep at just making lots of money right now ill put off school, and ill put off my future and ill end up being 24 and ill want to continue busting my ass for 38,400ish a year. im happy with the 20ish thousand im averaging right now. that should be enough. blah ive gotta go to class