Dear Diary
I should just write in that black book of mine. Throw on some new stickers and what not. I cannot tonight. There are days where I do feel like Ritsuka (loveless). I want to spend my hours thinking not only on why I exist, but I question the loyalties of my friends constantly. I will never completely trust anyone. Who does? There will always be a time where integrity amounts to nothing and past mistakes are more or less reasons to distrust.
I no longer care.
It hurts to sit here and think that someone I once called my best friend would ever think that he/she could not ever trust me again. If so, don't lie to me about it. I don't need half-hearted comfort. If you don't like me, don't pretend you do. Just tell me I'll go away. Everyone gets hurt. Thats life. Its one heart-ache right after another and quite frankly, there are only three people in my life hence far whom I will ever dare to confide in. The fourth one is a distant friend, but he has sat there for every phone call, picked up, and told me more than what I want to hear, but what I need to know.
Sometimes, people need to be reminded not to be scared. I get really scared. I fear letting anyone know me almost as much as I fear spiders. I really hate it. Not because I can't trust people, its because my thoughts, the ones that are most private are not kept secret if they should ever leave my lips. I used to talk to Takun, but not anymore. There is no point in trying to have a serious conversation with someone who doesn't care. I talk to my brother. I always have and will always love the conversations we have and I talk to Aly. We may have not kept in touch as much as we kept in touch with other people, but some things never change. The artist and her muse. Who else would I talk to?
When I say talk I mean talk. No ranting, no trying to change another person's perspective or opinion, no nothing. Just talking and listening. Like those hourly sessions spent with those who are paid to listen to you. Thats how a few friends are for me. They keep me from feeling lonely. I feel so alone when there is no one I can share anything with. Why else do I love Jingles so much? She's gone, and she was the first one I loved without any bounds. Sure, she was a ferret, but I read to her and stayed in the basement despite my fear of spiders. Just so I could make sure my new friend was safe and not lonely. I even wore a special bag just to take her around town in secret, or walk her around my neighborhood. I am like a kid in many ways. I enjoy simple pleasures.
What I do does not define me. Its only one definition that can be taken so many words. Like how some words have multiple meanings. What we do and say each day. Its the same thing.
I wonder what the world would be like if I were alone. I suppose I would never know the comfort of someone's arms or the delight in idle chatter. I would never know what it was to kiss or be kissed. Nor would I know what it was like to feel empty. No, I don't desire to feel those sort of attachments. It bothers me though, as I sit back and watch th world pass me by, I watch the world fall into itself. People preach of righteous acts and demand a certain level of compliance, but can those people really follow their own preachings and words? Do we even consider what happens? Or do we turn a blind eye to what is really going on? What should be done. Why do people want to instigate things? For instance, when I would ride in the car with Zack and his girlfriend, and another guy I forget his name, they would talk about bringing together a past friend and my co-worker into a relationship that surpasses the boundaries of good friends. What they don't know is that one of them is gay. Conspiracy is not my thing. I could speculate and analyze something in each and every way, but my decisions and thoughts are never absolute. Not until I am presented vivid evidence that there is no longer any meaning to whatever it is I am doing.
Friendships? I love them, but I do not live on them. When I say farewell I do mean my goodbye. I will look back and cherish what happy memories I have. Why linger on sorrow? Its like adding fuel to the fire. I won't make the same mistakes twice, and anyone who believes otherwise is a fool. Perhaps they should talk about their suspicions before they make any absolute decisions. This person could be you, my reader. It means that one day I might leave forever. There will be no forgiveness, because I will make it a point to never be around you. I tolerate some company because it benefits someone else.
Don't beat around the bush and do not bullshit me with flowered hopes of getting better. If you feel I need to improve myself for you to trust or ever embrace my friendship then fuck it. I will neither stand for any confliction nor will I keep out just because my opinion is unwanted. Let there be no doubt in your mind that I would be the first to say my goodbye. You can't miss me too much. Whoever I speak far well to, you'll get over it and move on. Almost everyone I know has a bountiful amount of friends.
Don't say you love me. I can't believe it.
I no longer care.
It hurts to sit here and think that someone I once called my best friend would ever think that he/she could not ever trust me again. If so, don't lie to me about it. I don't need half-hearted comfort. If you don't like me, don't pretend you do. Just tell me I'll go away. Everyone gets hurt. Thats life. Its one heart-ache right after another and quite frankly, there are only three people in my life hence far whom I will ever dare to confide in. The fourth one is a distant friend, but he has sat there for every phone call, picked up, and told me more than what I want to hear, but what I need to know.
Sometimes, people need to be reminded not to be scared. I get really scared. I fear letting anyone know me almost as much as I fear spiders. I really hate it. Not because I can't trust people, its because my thoughts, the ones that are most private are not kept secret if they should ever leave my lips. I used to talk to Takun, but not anymore. There is no point in trying to have a serious conversation with someone who doesn't care. I talk to my brother. I always have and will always love the conversations we have and I talk to Aly. We may have not kept in touch as much as we kept in touch with other people, but some things never change. The artist and her muse. Who else would I talk to?
When I say talk I mean talk. No ranting, no trying to change another person's perspective or opinion, no nothing. Just talking and listening. Like those hourly sessions spent with those who are paid to listen to you. Thats how a few friends are for me. They keep me from feeling lonely. I feel so alone when there is no one I can share anything with. Why else do I love Jingles so much? She's gone, and she was the first one I loved without any bounds. Sure, she was a ferret, but I read to her and stayed in the basement despite my fear of spiders. Just so I could make sure my new friend was safe and not lonely. I even wore a special bag just to take her around town in secret, or walk her around my neighborhood. I am like a kid in many ways. I enjoy simple pleasures.
What I do does not define me. Its only one definition that can be taken so many words. Like how some words have multiple meanings. What we do and say each day. Its the same thing.
I wonder what the world would be like if I were alone. I suppose I would never know the comfort of someone's arms or the delight in idle chatter. I would never know what it was to kiss or be kissed. Nor would I know what it was like to feel empty. No, I don't desire to feel those sort of attachments. It bothers me though, as I sit back and watch th world pass me by, I watch the world fall into itself. People preach of righteous acts and demand a certain level of compliance, but can those people really follow their own preachings and words? Do we even consider what happens? Or do we turn a blind eye to what is really going on? What should be done. Why do people want to instigate things? For instance, when I would ride in the car with Zack and his girlfriend, and another guy I forget his name, they would talk about bringing together a past friend and my co-worker into a relationship that surpasses the boundaries of good friends. What they don't know is that one of them is gay. Conspiracy is not my thing. I could speculate and analyze something in each and every way, but my decisions and thoughts are never absolute. Not until I am presented vivid evidence that there is no longer any meaning to whatever it is I am doing.
Friendships? I love them, but I do not live on them. When I say farewell I do mean my goodbye. I will look back and cherish what happy memories I have. Why linger on sorrow? Its like adding fuel to the fire. I won't make the same mistakes twice, and anyone who believes otherwise is a fool. Perhaps they should talk about their suspicions before they make any absolute decisions. This person could be you, my reader. It means that one day I might leave forever. There will be no forgiveness, because I will make it a point to never be around you. I tolerate some company because it benefits someone else.
Don't beat around the bush and do not bullshit me with flowered hopes of getting better. If you feel I need to improve myself for you to trust or ever embrace my friendship then fuck it. I will neither stand for any confliction nor will I keep out just because my opinion is unwanted. Let there be no doubt in your mind that I would be the first to say my goodbye. You can't miss me too much. Whoever I speak far well to, you'll get over it and move on. Almost everyone I know has a bountiful amount of friends.
Don't say you love me. I can't believe it.