My Icon Finally Suits Me.
Yep, here it is again that moment in my life where I just want to think about all the things I said I would stop doing. No, not the whole fucking up friendships. That other stuff. Only maybe one or two people might know. Heard of it, but you'll never see a scar on my skin. Not that little slit across my wrist. Oh no, just sitting here day by day pretending everything is right as rain as you finally begin to realize just as many times how pathetic you are. Well, not you - me. Why else would I be so in love with my art? Or be so clingy with my friends. Its about the only love I'm ever going to feel.
For a really long time, my family has been disconnected. Well so what? So are a lot of other families out there. I keep telling myself I am being silly. I tell myself the same thing over and over, that everything will be alright. Its not the bipolarism. This is real depression. With everything I told my doctor, I wasn't surprised that he second guessed my diagnoses. I only wonder, maybe its just me. Somewhere in that little brain there is something wrong with me. It just sits there waiting for some small dose of happiness to come my way before that little glitch comes in and says "Hey time to fuck up another day!"
Why can't I just admit it? No matter how much I would love for my mother to love me for more than what I could buy her, or for my brother to care about anyone other than himself, or for my sister to stop being such a bitch and perhaps learn some real compassion, or for my father to quite ignoring his problems and just face them without hesitation. It's never going to happen and this fucking little charade of a family has me pulling my hair out and wanting to just write a will now and get it over and done with. For once in my life I felt there was a possibility for my little dream of an actual happy home was to come true. That maybe, instead of fucking around, my siblings and parents would come to realize what they are doing and help themselves. Maybe its too late. We're so old now, its not like it would be when we were small. How much easier it would have been if I had just told my dad yes every time he asked me if he should divorce my mother or not. When does anyone show any true compassion or love anymore? Maybe when someone is in need, but do I really have to be a damsel in distress in order to experience that sort of bliss? Laying there on a flat bed breathing from a tube before the most important people in my life stop pretending and starting acting? Of course this wouldn't make sense to a lot of people. I don't like to talk about my problems. I say one word and most of the time to the wrong person and its like invoking the wraith of Godzilla or something.
Maybe I'm never going to grow up. At heart anyways, because there isn't anything I could want more aside from what I've always wanted. Can you really blame me for getting scared or living in denial. Its so easy to let the people around me disappear. I could really care less sometimes. I could cry and hope to that heartless god above that nothing in my perfect little world will change. Then again, its never been perfect has it? Nope, people will drop you like you were nothing. Over the most idiotic of things as well. A perfect example would be a friend named Brian. Well, he was a friend, until he started to stir up drama amongst my other friends and say terrible things about them. So I asked him to just sit down and have a conversation with them, even gave him reasons why I couldn't believe his accusations, and what does he say? He tells me how much of a kiss ass I am. Yeah, I'm a real fucking kiss ass...
The first fucking day I come home from fruitless efforts to have fun at a party, where I spent most of the day resting and sleeping because of how tiring that trip was, falling asleep and what was a fairly interesting movie marathon night, because I was so engrossed in my writing and my mind just could not hold out on me, I fucking come home, staying out as long as I did because well, the family is only so nice so long as I am "fragile". Anyways, I come home and what fucking happens. I get bombed by what was supposed to be minute drama, but it really does get under my skin. If you're going to pretend to be my friend then fine. I'd wish I would stop trying to be so damn nice. They say family is the most important thing. Well I am head over heels jealous over some of my other friends. Jen has grandparents who love her so much, yet whenever I see her yell at them the way she does it sort of just boils me. I'd kill to be in her shoes. I would love to have someone take care of me and make me feel better. Stephen doesn't have a whole family, but as annoying as his little sister might be, he has an awesome mom. Someone who gives him his freedom and can really connect on his level. She is there for him and when his little sister grows up they are going to only get better. Krystle has a weird family. Really fucking weird, but she loves them enough to forfeit her own personal time to make sure they are still smiling. I mean, I would just love to be able to associate with my parents the way she does. Instead of having to feel like you're this forgotten little china doll thats only good for what they are worth. Believe me, I feel more worthless than I dare ever let another soul know. I'm jealous over Aly, because despite her situation she has such a beautiful personality anyone would fall for. I'm just me. The same disconnected whinny Asian who can't sleep at night because she knows just where her life is going - no where. I always thought I would become rich and famous so I could buy a little house away from the world and - as it stands true now - would not need another soul or voice to soothe my restless heart, for my art and writing would always bring me some comfort. If any.
Why bother venting? Because I can and because I'm finally on the verge of just snapping someone's pretty little neck. I guess surgery can change you. I've never been so blindingly angry since I lived in Fort Belvoir. I fucking hated that place with all my being, but I would try so hard to fit in. You learn the hard way to not give a shit. Why spoil the already spoiled? Great. Now that I think about it if this were some Final Fantasy story I would be the apple that turned bad. -can hear the ring tone in her head-
I'm really going nuts. Past two nights I haven't been able to sleep because my throat has been killing me, but of course I'm not trying to bitch about that. Sometimes, if I do rant off, its because thats a rare moment where I will start talking. Maybe I should have been a mute instead of talking when I was four.
I wish I could believe in those three little words. I hear people around me whisper them, but its not for me and when it is its like going in one ear and right out the other. I feel like a ghost amongst the friends I do care about. Like I don't really exist, but its not their fault. Its no one's fault. Thats just how I am. Really really insecure and I just can't think of a day where I won't be anything else but that. I'll smile and get hyper, but it always comes back to that one thing. The cravings; the desires. I hate being human. Why couldn't I be born a cat. Just put me to sleep after I raid some random home wrecker's trash bin and piss in their lawn for calling me a stray. This is about the only time I would take those supposed happy pills. That time in your day, week, life where you just want to feel nothing. Be as numb as the corpses buried in the graveyards. At least they are at peace. Until some fucked up stranger digs them up to either steal their jewelry or have their way with the bones. Yes, welcome to my mind. Its really fucked up. I've had nightmares of rape and monsters since I was a little kid. I knew about sex before I even knew I had a vagina. How bad is that? I read my old journals and see how miserable I was. Somehow, I can't wait until I'm fully healed. I wish it would happen sooner. I want to get the fuck out of here. Just fly me to the moon and let me play amongst the stars~ Pft... =_= I'm not nice. I'm not genuine either. I'm as fucking fake as the rest of the human race. Or at least most of them. I hate it when people say I'm nice. Its flattering, but untrue. I am turning bitter. Maybe senile. Give it a couple more years before we call this senile.
How many people can I call friends anyway? Most assholes will tell you what you want to hear, but they will never try to actually call you and keep in touch. Nope, they're too good to put in some effort. Or you're just not good enough in their eyes. Maybe I could contribute something. How about a fucking stab in the eye. =_= I'll gladly contribute that into someone's future. I'm suffocating from a swollen throat and my own sister tells me to stop sounding whiny like I actually know what the fuck I am supposed to do. Gee thanks. I always knew where I stood. Just someone to fall back on when she's not feeling good. What about me? Oh, of course, I have my stuffed pink bunny because for some ungodly reason nobody else seems capable of talking. Oop she's sad leave her alone or she's pissy just let her vent it out. Fuck you.... FUCK YOU WHO SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS... I'd rather be hugged, even if I'm only comfortable with a few people. Fuck, I let it be known when I want someone to feel better/secure. Maybe the things I do are stupid. Buying people flowers or spoiling them with chocolate. Is that silly? Arranging some nifty heart-felt gift to have it sink in a box, lost and forgotten in the back of someone's closet. One more reason why I don't normally do a commission, nor will I draw anything for anyone. Are those people really going to appreciate all th effort I put into that one piece? Fuck no...
Alright I'm done ranting. Call me emo blue. Well, fuck you too. Stereotypes are not fucking serious. Thats discriminating terms and language. Stereotypes are just to fuck around with. Little abbreviations and shit like that to make fun of stuff. Like the way someone dresses or for the way someone overreacts. EMO is not a fucking word and I smite anyone who would come up to me and try to convince me otherwise. Its not even a fucking fashion. Its as fashionable as the goth. Btw, if we really want to get into that whole gothic issue, then fucking look up the word. Oh, not the dictionary. HISTORY~ =_= Its only a fashionable term because of morbid expressions used to convey the dark style. Its not an attitude nor is it any other social establishment. You could be fucking nudist and I wouldn't care. Thats your business. A name is a name and it will always be the same thing. A name. I don't see how anyone could take so much offense to being called a jock or a prep. If you really believe in the implied meanings then go right ahead. Fuck it. next time someone wants to call me emo or a slut. I'll just tip my hat and be like "kthx I know I'm sexy. A walking heartbreaker. Get laid more than you right? Big tits. Ya ya" I'll even nudge them and wink. Be a complete asshole. Or maybe I'll just laugh internally at what I could do and be the bigger man and just nod and smile, then get the hell away from such negative energy.
FUCK! Alrght I'm done ranting for real BYE
For a really long time, my family has been disconnected. Well so what? So are a lot of other families out there. I keep telling myself I am being silly. I tell myself the same thing over and over, that everything will be alright. Its not the bipolarism. This is real depression. With everything I told my doctor, I wasn't surprised that he second guessed my diagnoses. I only wonder, maybe its just me. Somewhere in that little brain there is something wrong with me. It just sits there waiting for some small dose of happiness to come my way before that little glitch comes in and says "Hey time to fuck up another day!"
Why can't I just admit it? No matter how much I would love for my mother to love me for more than what I could buy her, or for my brother to care about anyone other than himself, or for my sister to stop being such a bitch and perhaps learn some real compassion, or for my father to quite ignoring his problems and just face them without hesitation. It's never going to happen and this fucking little charade of a family has me pulling my hair out and wanting to just write a will now and get it over and done with. For once in my life I felt there was a possibility for my little dream of an actual happy home was to come true. That maybe, instead of fucking around, my siblings and parents would come to realize what they are doing and help themselves. Maybe its too late. We're so old now, its not like it would be when we were small. How much easier it would have been if I had just told my dad yes every time he asked me if he should divorce my mother or not. When does anyone show any true compassion or love anymore? Maybe when someone is in need, but do I really have to be a damsel in distress in order to experience that sort of bliss? Laying there on a flat bed breathing from a tube before the most important people in my life stop pretending and starting acting? Of course this wouldn't make sense to a lot of people. I don't like to talk about my problems. I say one word and most of the time to the wrong person and its like invoking the wraith of Godzilla or something.
Maybe I'm never going to grow up. At heart anyways, because there isn't anything I could want more aside from what I've always wanted. Can you really blame me for getting scared or living in denial. Its so easy to let the people around me disappear. I could really care less sometimes. I could cry and hope to that heartless god above that nothing in my perfect little world will change. Then again, its never been perfect has it? Nope, people will drop you like you were nothing. Over the most idiotic of things as well. A perfect example would be a friend named Brian. Well, he was a friend, until he started to stir up drama amongst my other friends and say terrible things about them. So I asked him to just sit down and have a conversation with them, even gave him reasons why I couldn't believe his accusations, and what does he say? He tells me how much of a kiss ass I am. Yeah, I'm a real fucking kiss ass...
The first fucking day I come home from fruitless efforts to have fun at a party, where I spent most of the day resting and sleeping because of how tiring that trip was, falling asleep and what was a fairly interesting movie marathon night, because I was so engrossed in my writing and my mind just could not hold out on me, I fucking come home, staying out as long as I did because well, the family is only so nice so long as I am "fragile". Anyways, I come home and what fucking happens. I get bombed by what was supposed to be minute drama, but it really does get under my skin. If you're going to pretend to be my friend then fine. I'd wish I would stop trying to be so damn nice. They say family is the most important thing. Well I am head over heels jealous over some of my other friends. Jen has grandparents who love her so much, yet whenever I see her yell at them the way she does it sort of just boils me. I'd kill to be in her shoes. I would love to have someone take care of me and make me feel better. Stephen doesn't have a whole family, but as annoying as his little sister might be, he has an awesome mom. Someone who gives him his freedom and can really connect on his level. She is there for him and when his little sister grows up they are going to only get better. Krystle has a weird family. Really fucking weird, but she loves them enough to forfeit her own personal time to make sure they are still smiling. I mean, I would just love to be able to associate with my parents the way she does. Instead of having to feel like you're this forgotten little china doll thats only good for what they are worth. Believe me, I feel more worthless than I dare ever let another soul know. I'm jealous over Aly, because despite her situation she has such a beautiful personality anyone would fall for. I'm just me. The same disconnected whinny Asian who can't sleep at night because she knows just where her life is going - no where. I always thought I would become rich and famous so I could buy a little house away from the world and - as it stands true now - would not need another soul or voice to soothe my restless heart, for my art and writing would always bring me some comfort. If any.
Why bother venting? Because I can and because I'm finally on the verge of just snapping someone's pretty little neck. I guess surgery can change you. I've never been so blindingly angry since I lived in Fort Belvoir. I fucking hated that place with all my being, but I would try so hard to fit in. You learn the hard way to not give a shit. Why spoil the already spoiled? Great. Now that I think about it if this were some Final Fantasy story I would be the apple that turned bad. -can hear the ring tone in her head-
I'm really going nuts. Past two nights I haven't been able to sleep because my throat has been killing me, but of course I'm not trying to bitch about that. Sometimes, if I do rant off, its because thats a rare moment where I will start talking. Maybe I should have been a mute instead of talking when I was four.
I wish I could believe in those three little words. I hear people around me whisper them, but its not for me and when it is its like going in one ear and right out the other. I feel like a ghost amongst the friends I do care about. Like I don't really exist, but its not their fault. Its no one's fault. Thats just how I am. Really really insecure and I just can't think of a day where I won't be anything else but that. I'll smile and get hyper, but it always comes back to that one thing. The cravings; the desires. I hate being human. Why couldn't I be born a cat. Just put me to sleep after I raid some random home wrecker's trash bin and piss in their lawn for calling me a stray. This is about the only time I would take those supposed happy pills. That time in your day, week, life where you just want to feel nothing. Be as numb as the corpses buried in the graveyards. At least they are at peace. Until some fucked up stranger digs them up to either steal their jewelry or have their way with the bones. Yes, welcome to my mind. Its really fucked up. I've had nightmares of rape and monsters since I was a little kid. I knew about sex before I even knew I had a vagina. How bad is that? I read my old journals and see how miserable I was. Somehow, I can't wait until I'm fully healed. I wish it would happen sooner. I want to get the fuck out of here. Just fly me to the moon and let me play amongst the stars~ Pft... =_= I'm not nice. I'm not genuine either. I'm as fucking fake as the rest of the human race. Or at least most of them. I hate it when people say I'm nice. Its flattering, but untrue. I am turning bitter. Maybe senile. Give it a couple more years before we call this senile.
How many people can I call friends anyway? Most assholes will tell you what you want to hear, but they will never try to actually call you and keep in touch. Nope, they're too good to put in some effort. Or you're just not good enough in their eyes. Maybe I could contribute something. How about a fucking stab in the eye. =_= I'll gladly contribute that into someone's future. I'm suffocating from a swollen throat and my own sister tells me to stop sounding whiny like I actually know what the fuck I am supposed to do. Gee thanks. I always knew where I stood. Just someone to fall back on when she's not feeling good. What about me? Oh, of course, I have my stuffed pink bunny because for some ungodly reason nobody else seems capable of talking. Oop she's sad leave her alone or she's pissy just let her vent it out. Fuck you.... FUCK YOU WHO SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS... I'd rather be hugged, even if I'm only comfortable with a few people. Fuck, I let it be known when I want someone to feel better/secure. Maybe the things I do are stupid. Buying people flowers or spoiling them with chocolate. Is that silly? Arranging some nifty heart-felt gift to have it sink in a box, lost and forgotten in the back of someone's closet. One more reason why I don't normally do a commission, nor will I draw anything for anyone. Are those people really going to appreciate all th effort I put into that one piece? Fuck no...
Alright I'm done ranting. Call me emo blue. Well, fuck you too. Stereotypes are not fucking serious. Thats discriminating terms and language. Stereotypes are just to fuck around with. Little abbreviations and shit like that to make fun of stuff. Like the way someone dresses or for the way someone overreacts. EMO is not a fucking word and I smite anyone who would come up to me and try to convince me otherwise. Its not even a fucking fashion. Its as fashionable as the goth. Btw, if we really want to get into that whole gothic issue, then fucking look up the word. Oh, not the dictionary. HISTORY~ =_= Its only a fashionable term because of morbid expressions used to convey the dark style. Its not an attitude nor is it any other social establishment. You could be fucking nudist and I wouldn't care. Thats your business. A name is a name and it will always be the same thing. A name. I don't see how anyone could take so much offense to being called a jock or a prep. If you really believe in the implied meanings then go right ahead. Fuck it. next time someone wants to call me emo or a slut. I'll just tip my hat and be like "kthx I know I'm sexy. A walking heartbreaker. Get laid more than you right? Big tits. Ya ya" I'll even nudge them and wink. Be a complete asshole. Or maybe I'll just laugh internally at what I could do and be the bigger man and just nod and smile, then get the hell away from such negative energy.
FUCK! Alrght I'm done ranting for real BYE