lost hope
"i hate to see someone as pretty as you lose hope"
what if i was ugly? would that make it better to be the way i am? would it make it easier on you if i were ugly enough for you not to give a fuck?
im extremely fucking upset right now and im not even sure why...today hasnt been the best day. im trying a new approach to discipline. it worked for a little bit. well, now i got a big knot on my head. lots of toys thrown at me. its so hard. it would be much easier to give up and end up in a verbally abusive relationship. it seems like it would be easier. im used to that shit anyway. i lost hope a long time ago. it was beat out of me. maybe it was even before then that i lost it. i dont know. i hate the way i feel inside. its crazy, because i have accepted that this is how and what i am. when i get like this, when i lose my mind and just want to fucking cry all day, i dont like it. i dont like it at all. i was trying to get into my old email accounts. i cant even remember the passwords. i have fried my brain with smoke and seizures. my mom always says that if i stay upset and have a bad seizure and die, sylas not having a mother would be my fault. well, i cannot change who i am. i love my son and have cared more about my physical and mental health since i found out he was inside of my womb. i still cant stop this. the pills make me lose my mind. i was crazier when i tried to fix my mind with pills. i was angry. so angry i started punching things. not people just a wall and a toybox. screaming at the top of my lungs about whatever i was angry about. no longer passive which is good. i removed the medicine and im still not passive, but not as violent either. jason tests me enough to use my anger. he deserves it. he put me through hell. i dont complain. i keep it inside, because i dont want to be THAT kind of parent, but fuck it, here, no one knows. no one reads. i dont have to worry bout people starting more shit and making it harder. i have to beg for help as it is. like a dog. a fucking dog. i only do it when i absolutly need it. he should do it anyway, but he doesnt. i really dont want to deal with him anymore. he uses sylas as an excuse to speak to me then wonders why im going off on him. i dont like him doing that. i dont like him popping in and out of sylas's life at his will and blaming it on not wanting to deal with me. fuck that bullshit, just dont exist. you may as well fucking be my asshole dad. because you fucking act like him. oh, you dont remember pushing me for sticking up for my friends and family? imagine that
fucking hell i was already in a miserable mood. last night. last night, fuck last night. "shut up with that shit" "you beat yourself up too much" you know what, everything i say is the fucking truth. you may see it that way, but its my reality. everyone sees things differently. this is what is in my mind, right or wrong, its in my mind.
maybe i am fucking losing it.
hell, i dont know if i ever had it.
i see happy times in the past.
when it was the present i was just as miserable.
focus on the positive....
i didnt get bit today!!!!
at least not by sylas. something else bit me, i dont know what, just that it itches and is eating up the inside of sylas's legs.
people really piss me off. in large amounts they are stupid. i tried to pick up money and even though both people i used to work with knew it was me, i still couldnt pick it up without and id. im about to fuck walmart up the ass for real. i have paperwork with dates on them showing when i submitted info regarding my epilepsy. stuff doctors filled out, and also myself.
anxiety attack ensues. or panic im not sure what but my hands wont stop shaking (more than usual) i cant stop crying (somewhat normal) and rocking back and forth is the only thing that soothes me now. now im a baby. a newborn...with gas. if i had a pat on the back, maybe id burp it up. all these words are vomit. everything i write is vomit. mind vomit.
yeah, hope was lost long ago. what is there to hope for? happiness? anything close to that, which comes out of me is sheer mania.
i want to get lost inside a book or a movie. something not here. something i can disappear into and still be around to take care of sylas...its so hard...so hard to...hold on to patience, especially since ive been a ticking time bomb the past few years. its just a matter of time before i explode. maybe someone will find a piece of me that they want to hold onto...but i doubt it.
positive...positive...positive...
i have a roof over my head, my child is well fed and happy.
some dude that i cant stand has made a few things of me turning into a wolf.
i have clothes. they barely fit. i dont know if thats good or bad.
i have warmth though it's so cold outside.
i get to hear my son say "i love you too" and "goodnight mama" and "cuddle time?"
my son actually cares whether im ok or not be it from sickness or mental anguish.
my tarot deck has been replaced by the same deck only brand new
but now the fucking txt is too small to read because i did something with the mouse pad in the process of typing all of this out
now i have fixed it somehow even though i know nothing about new technologies--computers, phones, downloading music. i used to know, but a lot has changed in 6 years. i havent had a lot of access to such things. broke, no joke. i suppose im ok with that, as long as we have the essentials. we have the essentials. that is what matters most. food to eat. warmth.
i have the luxury of having my son with me. my baby. over half my size but he will always be my baby. my poor baby busted his nose on the coffee table this morning. i may not know much about new technologies, but i knew how to take care of what happened to him. i know not to beat the fuck out of him when he isnt acting right. i know that reading to him before he goes to sleep is a very important thing for both of us. i know that i can give him the attention he needs and i do.
i dont feel so stupid anymore.
all that really matters is that i know how to take care of my son better than most.
thats enough for me.
im going to end all of this bitching and ranting on that note.
what if i was ugly? would that make it better to be the way i am? would it make it easier on you if i were ugly enough for you not to give a fuck?
im extremely fucking upset right now and im not even sure why...today hasnt been the best day. im trying a new approach to discipline. it worked for a little bit. well, now i got a big knot on my head. lots of toys thrown at me. its so hard. it would be much easier to give up and end up in a verbally abusive relationship. it seems like it would be easier. im used to that shit anyway. i lost hope a long time ago. it was beat out of me. maybe it was even before then that i lost it. i dont know. i hate the way i feel inside. its crazy, because i have accepted that this is how and what i am. when i get like this, when i lose my mind and just want to fucking cry all day, i dont like it. i dont like it at all. i was trying to get into my old email accounts. i cant even remember the passwords. i have fried my brain with smoke and seizures. my mom always says that if i stay upset and have a bad seizure and die, sylas not having a mother would be my fault. well, i cannot change who i am. i love my son and have cared more about my physical and mental health since i found out he was inside of my womb. i still cant stop this. the pills make me lose my mind. i was crazier when i tried to fix my mind with pills. i was angry. so angry i started punching things. not people just a wall and a toybox. screaming at the top of my lungs about whatever i was angry about. no longer passive which is good. i removed the medicine and im still not passive, but not as violent either. jason tests me enough to use my anger. he deserves it. he put me through hell. i dont complain. i keep it inside, because i dont want to be THAT kind of parent, but fuck it, here, no one knows. no one reads. i dont have to worry bout people starting more shit and making it harder. i have to beg for help as it is. like a dog. a fucking dog. i only do it when i absolutly need it. he should do it anyway, but he doesnt. i really dont want to deal with him anymore. he uses sylas as an excuse to speak to me then wonders why im going off on him. i dont like him doing that. i dont like him popping in and out of sylas's life at his will and blaming it on not wanting to deal with me. fuck that bullshit, just dont exist. you may as well fucking be my asshole dad. because you fucking act like him. oh, you dont remember pushing me for sticking up for my friends and family? imagine that
fucking hell i was already in a miserable mood. last night. last night, fuck last night. "shut up with that shit" "you beat yourself up too much" you know what, everything i say is the fucking truth. you may see it that way, but its my reality. everyone sees things differently. this is what is in my mind, right or wrong, its in my mind.
maybe i am fucking losing it.
hell, i dont know if i ever had it.
i see happy times in the past.
when it was the present i was just as miserable.
focus on the positive....
i didnt get bit today!!!!
at least not by sylas. something else bit me, i dont know what, just that it itches and is eating up the inside of sylas's legs.
people really piss me off. in large amounts they are stupid. i tried to pick up money and even though both people i used to work with knew it was me, i still couldnt pick it up without and id. im about to fuck walmart up the ass for real. i have paperwork with dates on them showing when i submitted info regarding my epilepsy. stuff doctors filled out, and also myself.
anxiety attack ensues. or panic im not sure what but my hands wont stop shaking (more than usual) i cant stop crying (somewhat normal) and rocking back and forth is the only thing that soothes me now. now im a baby. a newborn...with gas. if i had a pat on the back, maybe id burp it up. all these words are vomit. everything i write is vomit. mind vomit.
yeah, hope was lost long ago. what is there to hope for? happiness? anything close to that, which comes out of me is sheer mania.
i want to get lost inside a book or a movie. something not here. something i can disappear into and still be around to take care of sylas...its so hard...so hard to...hold on to patience, especially since ive been a ticking time bomb the past few years. its just a matter of time before i explode. maybe someone will find a piece of me that they want to hold onto...but i doubt it.
positive...positive...positive...
i have a roof over my head, my child is well fed and happy.
some dude that i cant stand has made a few things of me turning into a wolf.
i have clothes. they barely fit. i dont know if thats good or bad.
i have warmth though it's so cold outside.
i get to hear my son say "i love you too" and "goodnight mama" and "cuddle time?"
my son actually cares whether im ok or not be it from sickness or mental anguish.
my tarot deck has been replaced by the same deck only brand new
but now the fucking txt is too small to read because i did something with the mouse pad in the process of typing all of this out
now i have fixed it somehow even though i know nothing about new technologies--computers, phones, downloading music. i used to know, but a lot has changed in 6 years. i havent had a lot of access to such things. broke, no joke. i suppose im ok with that, as long as we have the essentials. we have the essentials. that is what matters most. food to eat. warmth.
i have the luxury of having my son with me. my baby. over half my size but he will always be my baby. my poor baby busted his nose on the coffee table this morning. i may not know much about new technologies, but i knew how to take care of what happened to him. i know not to beat the fuck out of him when he isnt acting right. i know that reading to him before he goes to sleep is a very important thing for both of us. i know that i can give him the attention he needs and i do.
i dont feel so stupid anymore.
all that really matters is that i know how to take care of my son better than most.
thats enough for me.
im going to end all of this bitching and ranting on that note.