(no subject)
Today started off badly but ended up nicely.
at 7 am I woke up in my bath tub. I must have fallen asleep after a shower after a night of way too much drinking. when my sister called me today and I told her this and she sounded concerned.
she said: people make movies about that. hinting ...something like, "leaving las vegas." yeah. that's not the first time, since being in edmonton, that I've woken up in strange places in my apartment. I wouldn't say that I am approaching a drunken nick cage as of yet... but I am a little concerned about how it's impacting my life and my ability to study...plus I really hate waking up in bath tubs.
on a good note: I didn't drink tonight. Yay for me. And I went to see Hayden. I know a lot of you folks think he's lame but I am a devoted fan. I am not mystified by him in the way that I was when I was 16 and experiencing puppy love over every live and dead rockstar known to (wo)man. now I just love his tunes..(plus, yes, he is highly pleasing to my eyes) and it's nice to see someone live, who you've seen live a few times before, and who you've liked for (shit... I just counted...) almost TEN YEARS. I can't believe he's been around for that long. His recent music is really creayive and yet..he's still predictable, yet loveable, lovesick Hayden.
Also... a band called "cuff the duke" opened for him and played with him for several songs. and I thought they would be lame.. their name is lame. plus they've opened for sloan before... so I was wary. I am listening to their album now...they are not the "best" band but they've got some really pretty songs plus some fun "wild western movie soundtrack" type tunes (and not in a simple slide guitar way ...I mean literally, like a western flick.. all echoey and energetic).
You kinda wanna ride a horse when you're listening to them. Wow... I should be in sales. What a "pitch" (ha).
As a live band they were really good (probably better than this album I'm listening to which i bought tonight). The lead singer has the sweetest persona on stage and I love his voice because of it. Ok, I guess I still get rockstar puppy-love from time to time... but who doesn't? rock stars are hot. I wish I was one.
I liked that I went to this concert alone. Ever since I missed the Cure because no one could go with me I refuse to miss anything I want to do just because I don't have a partner in crime. It's really cool going to a concert alone. It's kind of like going to a museum alone ... in that I experience a type of reflective intimacy and engagement with the art and myself in a very unique way that I don't experience other times.
Anyway..now I'm just getting sentimental and cheesy. I think I did destroy part of my brain this weekend. I actually don't find it all that funny. Especially since I need my brain. What better to read, post-drinking night than "Stolen From Our Embrace": a book I have to read for my non-ficition social documentary class about the abduction of First Nations children from reserves and all kinds of problems related to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, alcoholic mothers and how alcoholism relates to an underlying malaise...
and well, this got me thinking...i'm prone to depression, definitely, but for me, that's related to a genetic inheritence and personal situations. While we may have all thought long and hard about the proposed "malaise of (post)-modernity" and such.... I think I feel a certain malaise that I haven't confronted critically enough.
I don't mean this in a melodramatic way...but rather, I mean it most sincerely...and I have begun to confront it most directly in returning to school and in doing my Masters.. it's really forced me to think about my ethics and my relationship to this world at large and my world more personally. Trying to make meaning for oneself and trying to figure out how, professionally and on a day-to-day basis, I can feel what I am doing means something...both to myself, to others, and so on.
My current program really meshes well with my interests but in a way I was unprepared for. There are some serious conflicts within all of this. And every day feels like s struggle to make things mean something. On the business side of things... I feel pressured to prove something, to prove myself, to take a critical posture about the readings, the world, my writing etc. It's all very productive, in some ways, but also very reductive. And I guess I am confronted with trying to reconcile all of that... on the level of "lived experience", on the level of "memory" and the level of theory (eg. school, essays" )...all to move towards a future practice that could capture something more meaningful..... well... I guess I will leave it at that otherwise I will start talking in spirals, as I am prone to do.
Not that it's necessarily, as trent reznor would say (ha, I must cite him since I am sounding so ridiculously dour), "a downward spiral" but it does sometimes feel that way. I just have to try to keep tredding (sp? treading?)water, as it were, and hopefully I will learn how to swim. wow. that was cheesy. How typical of me! We have to have a sense of humour about this too... and I do think, if nothing else is in tact anymore (for me!) at least my sense of humour is (believe it or not!)
On that.. I will confirm that cuff the duke IS a good band. I am have listened to the whole thing and it's great.
especially "ballad of a lonely construction worker".
I kind feel like one of those these days.
at 7 am I woke up in my bath tub. I must have fallen asleep after a shower after a night of way too much drinking. when my sister called me today and I told her this and she sounded concerned.
she said: people make movies about that. hinting ...something like, "leaving las vegas." yeah. that's not the first time, since being in edmonton, that I've woken up in strange places in my apartment. I wouldn't say that I am approaching a drunken nick cage as of yet... but I am a little concerned about how it's impacting my life and my ability to study...plus I really hate waking up in bath tubs.
on a good note: I didn't drink tonight. Yay for me. And I went to see Hayden. I know a lot of you folks think he's lame but I am a devoted fan. I am not mystified by him in the way that I was when I was 16 and experiencing puppy love over every live and dead rockstar known to (wo)man. now I just love his tunes..(plus, yes, he is highly pleasing to my eyes) and it's nice to see someone live, who you've seen live a few times before, and who you've liked for (shit... I just counted...) almost TEN YEARS. I can't believe he's been around for that long. His recent music is really creayive and yet..he's still predictable, yet loveable, lovesick Hayden.
Also... a band called "cuff the duke" opened for him and played with him for several songs. and I thought they would be lame.. their name is lame. plus they've opened for sloan before... so I was wary. I am listening to their album now...they are not the "best" band but they've got some really pretty songs plus some fun "wild western movie soundtrack" type tunes (and not in a simple slide guitar way ...I mean literally, like a western flick.. all echoey and energetic).
You kinda wanna ride a horse when you're listening to them. Wow... I should be in sales. What a "pitch" (ha).
As a live band they were really good (probably better than this album I'm listening to which i bought tonight). The lead singer has the sweetest persona on stage and I love his voice because of it. Ok, I guess I still get rockstar puppy-love from time to time... but who doesn't? rock stars are hot. I wish I was one.
I liked that I went to this concert alone. Ever since I missed the Cure because no one could go with me I refuse to miss anything I want to do just because I don't have a partner in crime. It's really cool going to a concert alone. It's kind of like going to a museum alone ... in that I experience a type of reflective intimacy and engagement with the art and myself in a very unique way that I don't experience other times.
Anyway..now I'm just getting sentimental and cheesy. I think I did destroy part of my brain this weekend. I actually don't find it all that funny. Especially since I need my brain. What better to read, post-drinking night than "Stolen From Our Embrace": a book I have to read for my non-ficition social documentary class about the abduction of First Nations children from reserves and all kinds of problems related to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, alcoholic mothers and how alcoholism relates to an underlying malaise...
and well, this got me thinking...i'm prone to depression, definitely, but for me, that's related to a genetic inheritence and personal situations. While we may have all thought long and hard about the proposed "malaise of (post)-modernity" and such.... I think I feel a certain malaise that I haven't confronted critically enough.
I don't mean this in a melodramatic way...but rather, I mean it most sincerely...and I have begun to confront it most directly in returning to school and in doing my Masters.. it's really forced me to think about my ethics and my relationship to this world at large and my world more personally. Trying to make meaning for oneself and trying to figure out how, professionally and on a day-to-day basis, I can feel what I am doing means something...both to myself, to others, and so on.
My current program really meshes well with my interests but in a way I was unprepared for. There are some serious conflicts within all of this. And every day feels like s struggle to make things mean something. On the business side of things... I feel pressured to prove something, to prove myself, to take a critical posture about the readings, the world, my writing etc. It's all very productive, in some ways, but also very reductive. And I guess I am confronted with trying to reconcile all of that... on the level of "lived experience", on the level of "memory" and the level of theory (eg. school, essays" )...all to move towards a future practice that could capture something more meaningful..... well... I guess I will leave it at that otherwise I will start talking in spirals, as I am prone to do.
Not that it's necessarily, as trent reznor would say (ha, I must cite him since I am sounding so ridiculously dour), "a downward spiral" but it does sometimes feel that way. I just have to try to keep tredding (sp? treading?)water, as it were, and hopefully I will learn how to swim. wow. that was cheesy. How typical of me! We have to have a sense of humour about this too... and I do think, if nothing else is in tact anymore (for me!) at least my sense of humour is (believe it or not!)
On that.. I will confirm that cuff the duke IS a good band. I am have listened to the whole thing and it's great.
especially "ballad of a lonely construction worker".
I kind feel like one of those these days.