I don't know what to do with the rest of my life this year
i'm so confused right now!
technically, i have to be out of my apartment by August 31st because I will no longer be a student; also, technically, I am still a resident until I give them my notice. Newton Place has the right to charge me one month's additional rent if I do not give them a month's notice and residence services cannot find another person right away. I have not given my notice yet because I wasn't sure what i was doing and I have no other place to live. i need to give them my notice asap so I can avoid being charged another month's rent...but I don't feel I should until I know where I'm going.
I have been swaying back and forth over serval possible options as to what I should do and my fear is that in every decision I may end up feeling regret and feeling depressed.
I don't know why I can't approach this as a temporary opportunity for fun...I should try to do that.... because no matter what I do not plan to stay where ever I choose to go next for longer than a few months because I know I want to travel after I have finished all of my applications for school. I think perhaps I am way too serious. wayyyyy too serious. and anxious.
OPTION 1: I thought and I think (sort of) that it might be best to find another place to live here in Edmonton. I found an okay 1 bedroom apartment for $520/month which is 12 blocks from school. It's a bit far (esp. for winter) but it's a walkable distance and I am no longer a student so I don't really need to worry about it. It's close to the relatively interesting theatre district and old strathcona /whyte avenue. I should hear from the superintendent on monday whether or not I get the place. If I don't get the place then I have to keep looking and it's a stressful experience with only 10 days of August left!
My interest in staying for a few months is to sort of debrief from this last year, maybe get a part-time job, take up a hobby or two, read and research for my phD applications for the Fall. I figure this will be enough to keep busy but enough to try to practice the art of becoming more 'balanced.' hehe. Emotionally, intellectually, and physically I don't feel ready to just pick up and leave Edmonton. If I stay, my plan is to find a place, move in and immediately fly to Hamilton for a few weeks anyway. I would then spend an extended visit with family and friends.
However, I am already feeling the bad feelings of being a outsider in my own community..... especially because I don't have a place to live yet ...I keep seeing new people move into the neighbourhood all curious and excited. The other day I witnessed one of the graduate secretaries TEAR AWAY THE LABEL WITH MY NAME ON IT which designated my mail box as MINE in the graduate mailroom.
I AM BEING REPLACED! IT'S OVER! I HAVE NO NAME! NO OCCUPATION! NO HOME! NO SENSE OF PURPOSE! AHH!
I am also afraid that once school starts I will be a lonely girl who feels she's made a huge expensive mistake by staying here. I am moving further away from theo and from campus and psychologically it feels the same. I know I can still come out for a few drinks (I hope) when people go out but I feel like I am not supposed to be here all of the sudden. Is that weird?
I thought if I get a job and maybe even take a French immersion course or some sort of a language course outside of the school that I could try to create my own little life outside of school. who know is if it will work.
OPTION 2: I could throw all of my stuff into a storage space and move in with my sister for a few months. I would save lots of money and I could probably do a lot of research from the internet there. When I want to come to Edmonton I could stay with theo for a few days. Still, the cost of flying back and forth is like the cost of rent. The happy part of this equation is that I would be close to Toronto and Waterloo and I could do some serious visiting. The downside is that I don't know if I can handle living in Hamilton on a day to day basis where I don't know anyone but my sister who will be working full-time.
I don't know what to do .... and I feel like I'm being erased.
Love,
Queen Melodrama.
ps. if you bothered to read through this whiny thang please see part two.
technically, i have to be out of my apartment by August 31st because I will no longer be a student; also, technically, I am still a resident until I give them my notice. Newton Place has the right to charge me one month's additional rent if I do not give them a month's notice and residence services cannot find another person right away. I have not given my notice yet because I wasn't sure what i was doing and I have no other place to live. i need to give them my notice asap so I can avoid being charged another month's rent...but I don't feel I should until I know where I'm going.
I have been swaying back and forth over serval possible options as to what I should do and my fear is that in every decision I may end up feeling regret and feeling depressed.
I don't know why I can't approach this as a temporary opportunity for fun...I should try to do that.... because no matter what I do not plan to stay where ever I choose to go next for longer than a few months because I know I want to travel after I have finished all of my applications for school. I think perhaps I am way too serious. wayyyyy too serious. and anxious.
OPTION 1: I thought and I think (sort of) that it might be best to find another place to live here in Edmonton. I found an okay 1 bedroom apartment for $520/month which is 12 blocks from school. It's a bit far (esp. for winter) but it's a walkable distance and I am no longer a student so I don't really need to worry about it. It's close to the relatively interesting theatre district and old strathcona /whyte avenue. I should hear from the superintendent on monday whether or not I get the place. If I don't get the place then I have to keep looking and it's a stressful experience with only 10 days of August left!
My interest in staying for a few months is to sort of debrief from this last year, maybe get a part-time job, take up a hobby or two, read and research for my phD applications for the Fall. I figure this will be enough to keep busy but enough to try to practice the art of becoming more 'balanced.' hehe. Emotionally, intellectually, and physically I don't feel ready to just pick up and leave Edmonton. If I stay, my plan is to find a place, move in and immediately fly to Hamilton for a few weeks anyway. I would then spend an extended visit with family and friends.
However, I am already feeling the bad feelings of being a outsider in my own community..... especially because I don't have a place to live yet ...I keep seeing new people move into the neighbourhood all curious and excited. The other day I witnessed one of the graduate secretaries TEAR AWAY THE LABEL WITH MY NAME ON IT which designated my mail box as MINE in the graduate mailroom.
I AM BEING REPLACED! IT'S OVER! I HAVE NO NAME! NO OCCUPATION! NO HOME! NO SENSE OF PURPOSE! AHH!
I am also afraid that once school starts I will be a lonely girl who feels she's made a huge expensive mistake by staying here. I am moving further away from theo and from campus and psychologically it feels the same. I know I can still come out for a few drinks (I hope) when people go out but I feel like I am not supposed to be here all of the sudden. Is that weird?
I thought if I get a job and maybe even take a French immersion course or some sort of a language course outside of the school that I could try to create my own little life outside of school. who know is if it will work.
OPTION 2: I could throw all of my stuff into a storage space and move in with my sister for a few months. I would save lots of money and I could probably do a lot of research from the internet there. When I want to come to Edmonton I could stay with theo for a few days. Still, the cost of flying back and forth is like the cost of rent. The happy part of this equation is that I would be close to Toronto and Waterloo and I could do some serious visiting. The downside is that I don't know if I can handle living in Hamilton on a day to day basis where I don't know anyone but my sister who will be working full-time.
I don't know what to do .... and I feel like I'm being erased.
Love,
Queen Melodrama.
ps. if you bothered to read through this whiny thang please see part two.