Rubix Cube of Life
Go figure the way things go in life. I spent so much damn time just trying to figure out what it is exactly that I like and want and yet still I don't know. Why? I know that life is supposed to be a journey or something stupid like that. But why can't I have at least some answers at some point? I've learned a whole lot about people in the last 6 months. And yet I still know nothing.
I've learned that people are lame. And that they lie, a lot. I'm tired of pretending that I care what it is that people think of me. Why do I have to worry about what they think? Are they living my life? NO, but sometimes I think that they think they are. But they don't approve because I don't live like them. FUCK THAT.
And now I have to sit here and wonder if its some how my fault that Jen can't be an adult now without me or something. I really don't want to think that I some how have anything to do with it, but I can't help it. When we started dating she was kind of into drugs a little and drinking on the nights she didnt have to work, but mostly she spent her time at the gym and working. Then for a while it was okay, drugs were out of the picture, drinking was an occasional party option and she still went to the gym all the time and to work. Now it seems like all she ever does is drink and smoke and do things that are super distructive. How is that good? And how is it that the people who are supposed to be her "friends" are not trying to tell her that this is a bad idea. Didn't they see the consequenses when it happened with Peaches? Or do they just not care that much about her to say anything? And what position am I in that I can say something to her? None really.
And now I feel akward everytime I'm around anyone. And moving. Moving SUCKS and is super stressful. WHY? I had to borrow money from my dad for the first time EVER and I hate hate hate it. I've always tried so hard to do what I could for myself, and if I couldn't then I couldn't do it. It seemed like a good rule to me. But NOPE. Now I have to go back to being what feels like 17 now. Freaking blows.
And yet through all of this I get to come home and see Robin. And she makes me smile, and want to forget that theres all sorts of other bullshit in mylife. Shes part of the reason I want to make sure that I get all my shit worked out. School, work, living, just life. I have such motivation and somehow it all got sucked out of me. I don't know when but really it was gone. And now its starting to come back. But really do I deserve to have it so good right now? What if I do something that hurts her? What if I don't live up to the expectations she doesn't know she has for me? What if she is disappointed in me. These are things I'm not sure I can deal with.....**sigh** Shes so good to me. The only one who is at this point. I don't want to fuck with that.
WHY did all my friends turn into idiots. WHEN did that happen? And why did I miss that? It sucks. They are all misrible and they make me misrible too. But that leaves me with no friends...and that is really super shitty.
What a freaking rubix cube my life is.....**shakes head**
I've learned that people are lame. And that they lie, a lot. I'm tired of pretending that I care what it is that people think of me. Why do I have to worry about what they think? Are they living my life? NO, but sometimes I think that they think they are. But they don't approve because I don't live like them. FUCK THAT.
And now I have to sit here and wonder if its some how my fault that Jen can't be an adult now without me or something. I really don't want to think that I some how have anything to do with it, but I can't help it. When we started dating she was kind of into drugs a little and drinking on the nights she didnt have to work, but mostly she spent her time at the gym and working. Then for a while it was okay, drugs were out of the picture, drinking was an occasional party option and she still went to the gym all the time and to work. Now it seems like all she ever does is drink and smoke and do things that are super distructive. How is that good? And how is it that the people who are supposed to be her "friends" are not trying to tell her that this is a bad idea. Didn't they see the consequenses when it happened with Peaches? Or do they just not care that much about her to say anything? And what position am I in that I can say something to her? None really.
And now I feel akward everytime I'm around anyone. And moving. Moving SUCKS and is super stressful. WHY? I had to borrow money from my dad for the first time EVER and I hate hate hate it. I've always tried so hard to do what I could for myself, and if I couldn't then I couldn't do it. It seemed like a good rule to me. But NOPE. Now I have to go back to being what feels like 17 now. Freaking blows.
And yet through all of this I get to come home and see Robin. And she makes me smile, and want to forget that theres all sorts of other bullshit in mylife. Shes part of the reason I want to make sure that I get all my shit worked out. School, work, living, just life. I have such motivation and somehow it all got sucked out of me. I don't know when but really it was gone. And now its starting to come back. But really do I deserve to have it so good right now? What if I do something that hurts her? What if I don't live up to the expectations she doesn't know she has for me? What if she is disappointed in me. These are things I'm not sure I can deal with.....**sigh** Shes so good to me. The only one who is at this point. I don't want to fuck with that.
WHY did all my friends turn into idiots. WHEN did that happen? And why did I miss that? It sucks. They are all misrible and they make me misrible too. But that leaves me with no friends...and that is really super shitty.
What a freaking rubix cube my life is.....**shakes head**