Easing in gently, with texty madness.
My old text messages make me laugh.
'Too much Goldschlager leads to getting eaten by alligators. Now there's a lesson on the evils of drinking!'
- from a random episode of CSI Miami.
'Well, everything's gone a bit Captain Trips. A____'s been sick, called the doctor and been sent home with instructions to get a course of Tami Flu tablets. M______ also feels poorly, so she rang her doctor - he's out on a call but the receptionist says to call back because it sounds likely that she's got swine flu too. It's like the soddding Stand in here, I'm frightened to sneeze.'
- as my workplace goes down with the plague.
'That's not desperately useful! Like you're going to have time to pen a strongly worded letter as you flee in shrieking terror from the shambling armies of the homicidal, brain hungry undead.'
-when I found out that Chinese zombies can jump, but can be stopped by putting words in their heads. Or something.
'Fucking stopping in the middle of the street, jumping on each other for an excessive hug and screaming like banshees. It's not like you've all circumnavigated to globe, or been trapped in the Belgian Congo for three years, you ridiculous, over-emotional twats. You've been away for Uni for three weeks! For the love of God, rein it in!'
- at the return of the Durham students.
'How come we can put a man on the moon, but we can't design a nail varnish that dries fast enough that you don't smudge it the moment you touch anything?
'Because men care about science and space travel and rocket powered stuff, so they put their best minds on the job. They don't care about nail varnish, or about making mascara wands out of something soft so that when you invariably stab yourself in the eye, you don't cry and wreck the rest of your eye make up.'
-Lily and I complain about the unfairness of life.
'If you're lucky enough to perform with the legend that is Queen Stevie Of Nicks, you don't relegate her to backing vocals and tambourine whilst you pollute the stage with your off-key, blonde, country-pop nonsense. You do her songs, if she lets you, and you do them anyway she wants you to!'
- on Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks at the Grammys.
'How is it I can fearlessly navigate the respective underground systems of London, New York, Boston and Atlanta, yet the Metro in Newcastle freaks me out?'
- I have a very bad day.
'There's a guy in the bus station with a 'I-should-be-in-prison-but-they-don't-have-room-for-me-so-I'm-wandering-the-streets-and-do-you-like-my-penal-system-bling' tag on his ankle. Turns out, not reassuring, just scary.'
- proving that I am nowhere near as hard as I like to think I am!
'Too much Goldschlager leads to getting eaten by alligators. Now there's a lesson on the evils of drinking!'
- from a random episode of CSI Miami.
'Well, everything's gone a bit Captain Trips. A____'s been sick, called the doctor and been sent home with instructions to get a course of Tami Flu tablets. M______ also feels poorly, so she rang her doctor - he's out on a call but the receptionist says to call back because it sounds likely that she's got swine flu too. It's like the soddding Stand in here, I'm frightened to sneeze.'
- as my workplace goes down with the plague.
'That's not desperately useful! Like you're going to have time to pen a strongly worded letter as you flee in shrieking terror from the shambling armies of the homicidal, brain hungry undead.'
-when I found out that Chinese zombies can jump, but can be stopped by putting words in their heads. Or something.
'Fucking stopping in the middle of the street, jumping on each other for an excessive hug and screaming like banshees. It's not like you've all circumnavigated to globe, or been trapped in the Belgian Congo for three years, you ridiculous, over-emotional twats. You've been away for Uni for three weeks! For the love of God, rein it in!'
- at the return of the Durham students.
'How come we can put a man on the moon, but we can't design a nail varnish that dries fast enough that you don't smudge it the moment you touch anything?
'Because men care about science and space travel and rocket powered stuff, so they put their best minds on the job. They don't care about nail varnish, or about making mascara wands out of something soft so that when you invariably stab yourself in the eye, you don't cry and wreck the rest of your eye make up.'
-Lily and I complain about the unfairness of life.
'If you're lucky enough to perform with the legend that is Queen Stevie Of Nicks, you don't relegate her to backing vocals and tambourine whilst you pollute the stage with your off-key, blonde, country-pop nonsense. You do her songs, if she lets you, and you do them anyway she wants you to!'
- on Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks at the Grammys.
'How is it I can fearlessly navigate the respective underground systems of London, New York, Boston and Atlanta, yet the Metro in Newcastle freaks me out?'
- I have a very bad day.
'There's a guy in the bus station with a 'I-should-be-in-prison-but-they-don't-have-room-for-me-so-I'm-wandering-the-streets-and-do-you-like-my-penal-system-bling' tag on his ankle. Turns out, not reassuring, just scary.'
- proving that I am nowhere near as hard as I like to think I am!