A Long Time in the Shadows
I week or so ago, I was drawn out of the shadows by Magnifelyn because there was something in her beauty and honesty that I wanted to connect with. So I posted a comment. I know that this probably does not seem like a very bold move, but after so many years of silence,it felt like a big deal. I became silent because of my work. So many students use LJ and I have great fear that they will find this and I will then see bits of it all over campus (though more likely, they would silently read me as I silently read them--an odd circle). But when Magnifelyn asked me if my journal had gone 'friends only', it reminded me that possibility existed. So, I'll give it another try and see what happens. Funny though, now that it is 'friends only', I really hope that I get a a cyber friend or two who wants to read it. I really don't want any of the folks in my day to day life to see it (I wouldn't have them read a paper journal of mine) and I think, at least for now, that I won't tell BT that it exists. I think he keeps an on-line journal that I never see, so it's fair. But that's not the reason. It's more like, well, I want to be whoever and say whatever and I feel a little boxed by him sometimes. Not that he means too, maybe I even do it. Maybe I am a certain way, so that he will rise up and match me. He has come to be so much more, but he still is a little too externally driven. I feel like I have to keep the lid on the box. But the good thing is that I feel less like that everyday. As he grows and changes, then I get so see myself in relation to his new being. It feels a little unsteady, but it is fun? exciting? yeah. But really, I feel more peaceful now than maybe ever. Part of that is because his change does not seem turbulent, but unfolding. It is calming and safe and maybe more a partenership than ever before. I try to tell him that I see it, but at some point I would like to mark it in a big way. Our 10 year anniversary is 1.5 years away. I was thinking of getting a 'B' tattooed for him. We'll see.