all my bases are belong to you: home run - Jesse/Andrew - NC17
Title: all my bases are belong to you: home run
Author: jeyhawk
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield
Beta: sbb23! <333
Word Count: 4,711
Warning(s): Explicit.
Disclaimer: Not true. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. If you found this by googling yourself I would advise you to just not do that in the future. (BTW Andrew, your eyebrows are perfect. Go away now.)
Summary: College AU. Jesse and Andrew are roommates and best friends and sometimes (when Jesse's had more than three beers) they are more.
Notes: The fourth (and last) part of all my bases are belong to you. I'm definitely open to writing more in this 'verse, so if there's something you like to see drop me a note in the comments. :D
second base | third base | strike out to third base again | NEW: home run
Normally, Andrew loves airports, but at 2am on a Sunday night they're a menace. The customs officers are grumpy, the baggage carousel too loud and everyone is half asleep and short of temper. He nearly gets socked in the eye by a guy shoving him out of the way to get to his bag and he almost trips over a small overtired child running around wailing at the top of its lungs while the mother chases after it. He's exhausted and achy and all he wants is to collapse face first into his bed and sleep until the world makes sense again.
He doesn't want to wait forever for his bag to appear, he doesn't want to spend that time thinking about what things will be like with Jesse, he doesn't want to contemplate the fact that he might have his heart broken into tiny little pieces within the next few hours. All weekend he's been exchanging text messages with Jesse and had it been anyone else Andrew would have called them flirty, but it's Jesse and Andrew's not entirely sure he's been doing it on purpose.
He almost misses his bag rolling past on the conveyor belt and has to chase after it, grabbing it just before it disappears again. He scrubs a tired hand over his eyes and heads for the exit, trying to not think about anything at all.
--
The airport proper is too loud and too bright, crowded despite the late (early?) hour and he squints longingly towards the exit for the taxis. He squares his shoulders and starts towards the elevators instead.
"Andrew."
He stops, craning his neck, half certain he imagined the familiar voice, but then he spots them. Justin inexplicably dressed in a three-piece suit, and Jesse in jeans and a hoodie, his favorite cap pressed down over his hair. Jesse lifts his hand in an uncertain wave and for a moment Andrew forgets how to breathe.
"What are you doing here?" he asks and the question is meant for both of them but he can't stop staring at Jesse.
"What does it look like we're doing?" Justin huffs. "We're picking you up from the airport because neurosis over here was absolutely certain you'd get yourself killed if we let you on the tube."
"Don't call him that," Andrew says automatically, but he doesn't look away from Jesse's flushed face.
Jesse fidgets but he gives Andrew a small smile from underneath the brim of his cap. "Hey," he says.
"Hey," Andrew echoes smiling stupidly and they just stare at each other for a while.
Justin groans and pulls Andrew's bag out of his hand. "You can stare at each other in the car," he points out.
"Andrew likes looking at me," Jesse says, ducking his head so that his entire face is hidden by the brim of his cap, but he can't hide the pink tint to the tips of his ears.
"Yeah," Andrew agrees, heart fluttering helplessly. "I really, really do."
"It's like watching the courtship of middle-schoolers," Justin mutters. "And I know for a fact you're capable of having very loud athletic sex."
"It wasn't athletic," Jesse says and then his ears turn fire engine red.
"You're a bad person," Andrew says, glaring at Justin who looks completely unrepentant.
Justin shrugs. "I tell the truth as I see it."
"Can we go home now?" Jesse asks, voice low and hands stuffed deeply into his pockets. His entire posture screams misery and Andrew can't figure out what went wrong. He wants to reach out and touch, curl his fingers around Jesse's shoulder or put a hand at the small of his back, but Jesse looks so closed-off, so small, and Andrew doesn't want to embarrass him.
Andrew glares at Justin again, and says: "Sure."
--
The car ride is tense. Jesse insists that Andrew ride shotgun and then takes the seat behind him as if to make sure Andrew can't look at him. Andrew can hear him though, fingers beating a nervous staccato against the door and he wants to say something, but everything he comes up with sounds horribly banal and trite even in his own head.
"Do you know what we should do?" Justin asks, as he pulls up outside their apartment building a million silent minutes later. "We should get drunk."
"NO," Andrew and Jesse say at the same time, loud enough to make Justin twitch.
"Well, I'm sorry," Justin mutters. "It's not like I enjoy listening to you guys having sex."
"You'll just have to learn how to deal with it," Jesse says and then he's out of the car, practically running up the front steps.
Andrew blinks, pulse picking up speed. "Was that… Did he just…"
Justin sighs. "Go after him you fool, and don't say I never did anything for you."
Andrew tumbles out of the car, tripping over his own feet, while the front door falls closed behind Jesse. He's slow, after over ten hours spent on a plane, limbs stiff and stubborn, but his mind races fast enough to make up for it, going from elated to apprehensive and back again at breakneck speed.
He catches up with Jesse at their landing, skidding to a stop to watch Jesse jiggle the stubborn security lock.
"Hey," he says, breathless from the run.
Jesse shakes his head quickly, the back of his neck flushed. "Don't…" he starts, but then he cuts himself off and doesn't say anything more.
Andrew nods, biting down hard at his lower lip and staring at the rigid line of Jesse's back.
"I can't do this," Jesse says, giving up on the lock in favor of leaning his forehead against the door. "I thought I could but I just… I can't."
Andrew's heart sinks but he nods again, even if Jesse can't see him.
"I'm sorry," Jesse whispers and he sounds so broken that Andrew just wants to wrap him up in his arms and hold him until they both stop hurting.
He steps closer, gently pushing Jesse out of the way to get the door open. "I'm sorry too," he murmurs, but Jesse won't even look at him and everything hurts.
--
Nothing is okay. Everything is tense and off-kilter and exhausting. They try to pretend that it's alright, but they fail so hard it's painful. When they accidentally slip back into their old routine it only takes a moment before one of them tenses up and it all falls apart and it's not fair because they're both trying so fucking hard to make it work.
"How can you live with all this tension?" Justin asks one morning after Jesse's gone off to class.
Andrew shrugs and stares out the window. "I don't know," he answers.
He hates himself for ruining everything. He hates himself for pushing Jesse too far and putting that tight hurt look on his face. He hates himself for the way he still wants Jesse, even when he's hurting, even when he looks as if he's been to hell and back. He hates that he doesn't know how to fix this.
Justin's silent for a moment, stirring sugar into his coffee. "I'm sorry," he says eventually. "If it was something I did."
Andrew looks at him, really looks at him for the first time in a week and realizes that Justin looks tired too, eyes puffy and mouth drawn.
"It wasn't your fault," he says.
Justin nods, looking away. "It's just… I'm really rooting for you guys. You're…" He swallows, cheeks tinted pink. "You're my best friends."
"It'll be okay," Andrew says, but it sounds hollow even to his own ears. "We'll figure it out."
Justin nods again and offers up a half-hearted smile. Andrew looks down on his cup, staring into the dark depths of his coffee and hoping with his entire being that he's right -that somehow it will all be okay again.
--
Andrew can't sleep. He's lying in bed with the window open to let in the slight breeze, staring blindly up at the ceiling. Outside a car honks its horn and a motorcycle roars past, engine growling, but inside everything is quiet. He wonders if Jesse's sleeping or if he's awake too, sprawled on his bed in a simile of Andrew's position, or curled into a tight ball of anxiety like he does sometimes when the world overwhelms him. If Jesse's awake Andrew hopes that he's sprawling; he never wanted to be another burden on Jesse's shoulders, doesn't know what to do about the fact that he is.
He sighs and rolls out of bed. He pauses for a moment outside Jesse's door, hand poised to knock, but then he thinks better of it and pads down to the kitchen. He grabs a glass from the cupboard and pours himself some juice, drinking it with his hip cocked against the counter. Somewhere in the building a door slams, and the outdated pipes whine when someone runs the tap. Andrew takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He misses Jesse so much his stomach aches with it.
He pours himself another glass of juice and drinks it slowly, goose bumps rising along his arms with the chill of it. The counter digs into his hip, cold and sharp, and he curls his toes against the worn throw rug covering the floor.
"I'm okay," he says, voice too loud in the eerie silence. "I'm fine."
Easy to say, harder to be, but he swears to himself that he'll try harder from now on. He'll smile brighter and laugh louder and eventually it will stop being a charade. It's his mess and he's the one who has to fix it because no one else will.
--
He nearly walks right into Jesse on the way back to his room, a pale shadow pressed up against the wall, as if he hoped that Andrew would walk right past him.
"Sorry," Jesse murmurs, quick and rough, when Andrew sidesteps to avoid scuffing his toes. "I didn't hear you."
"It's okay," Andrew says, just as quickly, balling his hands into fists at his sides.
Neither of them moves; the air between them thickening with tension until Andrew can't even breathe. He wants to do something, say something, anything, to make it all okay, but what is there to say, really, that wouldn't be a bold-faced lie.
"First relationships don't last," Jesse says suddenly, words coming out a quick tumble. "You don't… you don't just stumble across the one who's perfect for you first thing. Life doesn't work that way."
Andrew inhales slowly, exhales, tries to read Jesse's face in the dark. "I don't understand," he says.
"You have to," Jesse says desperately. "You have to understand. It's not… it's not you. It was never you. It's… I can't…"
Jesse sucks in a shaky breath. "You had Dan," he says. "And you were happy and he made you smile but then… then… you didn't have Dan and you were sad all the time and that's… we can't do that because you have to… I… Fuck."
Andrew wants to reach out, he wants to reach out so much, but he keeps his hands balled at his sides waiting for Jesse to finish.
"You deserve better," Jesse says, surer now, as if it's final, as if it's an irrevocable truth. "You deserve someone better than me."
"Bullshit," Andrew explodes. "That's bullshit and you know it."
"If we just keep breathing," Jesse whispers. "If we just keep breathing and pretend it never happened then eventually we'll be okay and we'll still be friends and I can... I can still have you, a little piece of you, whatever piece you're willing to give, and it will be enough."
Andrew didn't think it was possible for his heart to break any further, but it's as if Jesse stomped on the pieces and this time it doesn't break for Andrew.
"Jesse," he says, voice rough. "Jess…"
"You never see Dan. You never talk about him. It's like… It's like he was never a part of your life and I can't… I can't… I already lost you once."
Andrew doesn't even try to stop himself from reaching out this time, curling his hands around Jesse's trembling arms and pulling him into a hug. "I thought about you every day for eight years," he murmurs. "Every single day and I would have called or written or sent a fucking smoke signal if I'd known you remembered me too."
Jesse trembles so hard Andrew imagines he can hear his bones rattle. "I'm so in love with you," Jesse chokes out. "Andrew… I'm so… so in love with you."
Jesse's fingers digs into Andrew's skin and he breathes, hot and uneven, against Andrew's neck. Andrew moves his hands to cradle the wings of Jesse's shoulder blades and leans back against the wall. His heart soars, pulse fluttering like the wings of a humming bird, and he presses a kiss to Jesse's sweaty temple.
"I love you too, Jess, you know that," he murmurs. "We'll figure it out, okay?"
"I wanted to make a grand gesture," Jesse whispers, still trembling. "Emma said I had to. So I coerced Justin into picking you up from the airport and I really meant to say something but… I freaked out and I fucked up and then everything hurt and I wasn't… I wasn't going to let myself do this... I…"
He trails off, gasping against Andrew's collarbone as if he's run a mile and not just crossed the hall.
"I'm not… this is not…" He stops and sucks in a deep breath. "I just want to be with you," he lets out with the exhale, words bleeding together.
Andrew rests his cheek against Jesse's temple and pretends that his eyes aren't watering. "That's good," he croaks. "Because that's what I want to."
Jesse worms his hands in under Andrew's worn t-shirt, touching the skin at the small of his back, he's not shaking quite as hard.
"I'm probably a horrible boyfriend," he whispers.
"That's okay," Andrew murmurs, smiling so wide his face hurts.
"No it isn't," Jesse says, annoyed.
Andrew laughs and hugs him tighter. "I don't think it's possible for you to be a horrible anything," he says.
Jesse makes a noise as if he doesn't agree but he doesn't argue, staying pressed up to Andrew's front with his face buried against Andrew's shoulder.
"I really have to pee," he mutters after a moment and Andrew can't help the way he completely breaks down, laughing so hard he cries.
"It's not funny," Jesse says petulantly, but Andrew's eyes are accustomed enough to the dark that he can see Jesse's smile when he pulls back.
"I'm sorry," Andrew gasps. "Just… never change, okay?"
Jesse snorts, reaching out to touch Andrew's hair. "I would if I knew how," he says wistfully. "But I find it… uhm… terribly reassuring that you… uh… like me despite me being… uh… me."
"Not despite," Andrew says sternly, touching Jesse's face. "Because."
"I… uh… yeah."
Andrew can't see Jesse's face well enough to tell but he thinks that Jesse's blushing and he's gnawing on his lower lip in a way that looks more pleased than nervous.
"Go to the bathroom," Andrew says. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Yeah, okay. It might… yeah."
Andrew gets a glimpse of Jesse's face when the bathroom light turns on and he's definitely blushing. The door snicks closed and Andrew sinks back against the wall, filling his lungs to the brim with air for what feels like the first time in weeks. It only takes a moment for the door to open again and Jesse to peer out at him.
"I can't pee when I know you're just outside the door," he says.
Andrew wants to kiss him so much it physically hurts, but he just smiles. "I'll be in my room," he says. "And you are invited."
Jesse scrunches his face up. "Yeah… so I'll have a cold shower and then pee," he mutters. "It might take a while."
Andrew laughs all the way to his room and then he flops down on the bed and grins up at the ceiling because it's impossible not to. It's weird to think that less than an hour ago he was trying to psyche himself into being okay with not having Jesse and now Jesse is his… boyfriend. He smiles even harder and feels a bit like a dork but it's okay because he's pretty sure Jesse likes him anyway.
He fumbles for the bedside light when he hears the bathroom door open and flicks it on the moment Jesse steps through the door. Jesse stops, blinking uncertainly, and makes a wry face.
"I forgot," he mutters.
"Forgot what?"
"That you're the lights on kind of guy."
Andrew laughs and knots his hands under his head. "Well, we already established how much I like looking at you."
Jesse flushes and pushes the door closed behind him, hands fluttering at his sides as he walks over to the bed. Andrew smiles up at him, patting the open space on the sheets.
"Come and cuddle with me," he says.
"Just cuddle?" Jesse asks, gingerly sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Anything you want," Andrew murmurs, reaching out to touch the small of Jesse's back.
"Okay." Jesse's silent for a moment. "I want you to… uh… fuck me."
He says it fast, words almost tripping over each other and Andrew narrows his eyes even while a surge of want spikes through his stomach.
"Look at me, Jess," he says.
Jesse shakes his head but after a moment he lies down and rolls over on his side to face Andrew. His cheeks are pink and his bottom lip stuck between his teeth, Andrew reaches out to touch the sharp edge of his cheekbone, curling his fingers around the side of Jesse's face.
"We can do anything you want," Andrew says. "But I don't want you to ask for something because it's what you think I want."
Jesse doesn't look at him, eyes fixed somewhere just above Andrew's head. "It's not…" He cuts himself off, eyes flittering down to Andrew's face. "I want… I want that. I… I want you to… I do."
"Okay," Andrew says, breathless all of a sudden. "Okay."
He leans forward, brushing his lips over Jesse's before pulling back again to watch his face. Jesse follows, pressing their lips together again and fisting his hands into the front of Andrew's shirt. It starts out easy but turns hungry within moments, noses bumping and teeth knocking as they struggle to get closer.
Andrew's panting when he pulls back to get Jesse's shirt over his head, lips already buzzing from Jesse's slight stubble.
"God, you're gorgeous," he breathes, sitting back on his haunches to just stare at Jesse, spread out and half naked in his bed.
"I wish you wouldn't do that," Jesse groans, throwing an arm over his eyes while his flush extends down to his breastbone.
Jesse's chest rises and falls with his rapid breaths and his boxers are quite obviously tented in the front. Andrew licks his lips, curling his hands around Jesse's thighs and pulling his legs further apart.
"Can I take your boxers off?" Andrew asks, sliding his fingers in under the edges of the legs, stroking his fingertips over Jesse's silky skin.
Jesse swallows, licking his lips. "Only if you… too."
Andrew smiles and shrugs out of his shirt, dropping it on the floor before he wriggles out of his pajama pants in a way that is probably terribly unsexy but Jesse doesn't seem to mind, peeking out from under his arm to watch Andrew undress.
"You're…" Jesse licks his lips. "Amazing. You look amazing."
He sounds so earnest that Andrew has to kiss him which of course sets them off again, sharing drawn out hungry kisses with their legs tangled and hands touching anywhere they can reach. Andrew slides his hand into Jesse's loose boxers, cupping his ass, and Jesse groans deep in his throat, hips stuttering against Andrew's.
"Please," he whispers and it's 2am on a Tuesday night and they've waited long enough.
--
Andrew is nervous, fingers trembling as he slides them in between Jesse's cheeks. He wants, so much, to do this right and this time he doesn't have the comfort of alcohol to lean back against. Jesse shivers when Andrew's fingers find their target, rubbing slow and slick over tight crinkled skin. He has one arm thrown over his eyes again and a hectic flush stains his cheeks, but when Andrew pauses, biting down on his lower lip, Jesse lifts his arm to give him a pointed look.
"I'm not made of glass," he says.
"I know," Andrew huffs out. "It's just… I want to do this right."
"Well…" Jesse smiles. "You are. A little slowly, but you're doing alright."
Andrew laughs and kisses him and slides one of his fingers into him at the same time, which is quite a feat and also makes Jesse gasp into his mouth.
"How's that for slow?" he asks, crooking his finger.
Jesse only answer is a moan. Andrew thinks it's the best answer ever.
--
By the time Andrew works three fingers into Jesse everything is sticky slick with lube and sweat and he's so hard he thinks he might die. Jesse is coming apart at the seams writhing against the soiled sheets with his hands balled into fists and his lips bitten raw.
"Fuck," he gasps. "Come on."
"Yeah," Andrew breathes, moving his fingers faster, harder. "Jess…"
Jesse arches off the bed another desperate moan escaping his lips. "Andrew," he pants when his muscles relaxes. "You have to… please… now."
Andrew kisses him, messy-slick and breathless, fumbling around the bed for the condoms. "I'm not gonna last ten seconds," he warns.
"That's okay," Jesse slurs. "Just wanna feel you."
Andrew wishes he was less turned on, less desperate, because he wants to savor every second of this, but there's just no way he's going to last with Jesse spread out and eager and his own pulse throbbing like thunder in his ears.
He pulls his fingers out and fumbles with the condom, biting back a groan when Jesse reaches down to help him.
"Fuck," he breathes, hips stuttering forward. "You're not helping."
Jesse just smiles, dreamy like, and doesn't pull his hands away. The lube gets everywhere again, slippery and viscous; it trickles down Andrew's thighs and drips down on Jesse, who is still smiling that dreamy smile, thighs spread wide and cock hard against his stomach.
"Yeah," he whispers, when Andrew crawls forward, moving on top of him. "Finally."
Andrew chuckles and kisses him and curls his hand hard around the base of his dick. "Tell me if I hurt you," he murmurs.
"Mmhmm," Jesse agrees, easily lifting his legs to wrap around Andrew's back. "Love you."
Andrew moans and slowly, as slowly as he possibly can, pushes forward. They both groan when he pushes past the initial resistance and he pauses, holding on to his control with all of his might.
"Okay?" he breathes.
"Fuck, yeah…" Jesse answers, opening his eyes wide to stare up at Andrew's face.
Andrew can tell that it hurts, at least a little bit, by the way Jesse's fingers dig into his back and his breath hitches, but there's no hesitation in Jesse's darkened eyes, just an infinite humbling trust that Andrew doesn't know how to handle.
They keep eye contact until Andrew bottoms out, holding still with trembling thighs and bated breath. Jesse smiles again, sliding his hands up to touch Andrew's hair.
"You're inside me," he whispers, reverent.
Andrew swallows thickly and rocks forward, forcing himself to thrust slow and steady.
"Oh," Jesse gasps. "Oh… Andrew…"
There's no holding back after that, he doesn't even try and the way Jesse meets him thrust for thrust, arching his back and digging his heels into Andrew's skin, says he's okay with that.
"Love you," Andrew breathes, hoarse and wild. "God, Jess… I love you."
It's sappy and stupid and you shouldn't say it during sex but he can't help it. It wells up inside, huge and amazing, and he wants to tell Jesse every minute of every day and he wants to stay in this moment forever.
He lets himself get lost in Jesse, in the moment, in the harsh breaths shared between their open mouths. Somehow he manages to get a hand between them and curl it around Jesse's cock, fisting him without the slightest bit of coordination or rhythm in a messy counterpoint to the erratic beat of his hips.
Jesse's breath hitches on every exhale, coming out it whines and whimpers. "Yes, yes, oh, yes, yes. Oh."
He digs furrows into Andrew's back and bites at Andrew's lips and Andrew is so close he can barely hold back.
"I'm gonna…" he gasps and that's all the incentive Jesse needs, arching up and spilling slickly over Andrew's fingers, heels digging hard into Andrew's back.
Andrew follows seconds later, coming so hard he nearly blacks out. He's pretty sure he screams, or cries, or something like that, hips stuttering against Jesse's ass, until he collapses forward, squishing Jesse to the bed.
"Mmmrgh," Jesse says, but he wraps his arms hard around Andrew's heaving shoulders, holding him close.
"I love you," Andrew breathes. "Stupidly."
"Is that why you're trying to kill me?" Jesse asks.
"Mmhmm," Andrew agrees, nuzzling the underside of Jesse's jaw. "Exactly."
Somehow he remembers how to string his limbs together and manages to push up on his elbows, taking some of the weight of Jesse's chest. Jesse has his lower lip captured between his teeth but he still smiles. It's the most adorable thing Andrew’s ever seen.
"Hey." Andrew rubs their noses together and smiles against Jesse's lips. "You okay?"
"You're still inside of me," Jesse says, but he sounds more wondrous than grossed out.
"Yeah," Andrew says, kissing the corner of his mouth. "Feel bad?"
"No, just… different. Good… Could we do it again like this?"
Andrew groans, biting lightly at Jesse's jaw line. "We sure could try," he mutters. "But I'd still have to pull out and change the condom."
"Okay," Jesse sighs, walking his fingers up Andrew's back. "If you must."
Jesse winces when Andrew shifts so that his softened dick slips out of Jesse's body.
"Okay?" Andrew asks, as he removes the condom and ties it up, dropping it into the trashcan beside the bed.
"Yeah." Jesse frowns. "But I kinda… miss you?"
Andrew laughs and crawls up Jesse’s body to kiss his adorable silly mouth. "If you're not too sore I'll fuck you in the morning," he promises.
"I'd like that," Jesse says seriously and Andrew laughs again.
Andrew gets a washcloth from the bathroom to clean them off before they find a relatively clean corner of the sheets to curl up on. Jesse is the clingiest big spoon there ever was but Andrew can't say he minds the octopus-embrace, or Jesse's soft breath stirring the fine hairs at his nape.
"I love you," Andrew murmurs, touching the arm Jesse has wrapped around his waist. "Please be here tomorrow morning."
"I will," Jesse promises and he sounds like he really means in, sated and secure.
Andrew's almost asleep when Jesse speaks again.
"So I was thinking… can I adopt a cat? There's a shelter down the street and… uh… I'd really like to have a cat. It can… it can be our cat. Like a child. But a cat and uh… not so demanding and Justin's not allergic… I asked."
Andrew isn't sure if he wants to laugh or cry, or maybe a little bit of both. "Do I even want to know how long you've wanted a cat?" he asks.
"Probably not," Jesse admits, pressing his face into Andrew's back. "This just seemed like a good time to ask."
Andrew shakes his head against the pillows and smiles helplessly into the darkness. "Yeah, Jess," he murmurs. "We can get a cat."
He can feel the curve of Jesse's smile against his back and the warm press of Jesse's palm against his chest. It feels a lot like forever.
-The End-
Thanks for sticking with me! <333
fluid bonding (tiny little sequel set almost a year later)
Author: jeyhawk
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield
Beta: sbb23! <333
Word Count: 4,711
Warning(s): Explicit.
Disclaimer: Not true. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. If you found this by googling yourself I would advise you to just not do that in the future. (BTW Andrew, your eyebrows are perfect. Go away now.)
Summary: College AU. Jesse and Andrew are roommates and best friends and sometimes (when Jesse's had more than three beers) they are more.
Notes: The fourth (and last) part of all my bases are belong to you. I'm definitely open to writing more in this 'verse, so if there's something you like to see drop me a note in the comments. :D
second base | third base | strike out to third base again | NEW: home run
Normally, Andrew loves airports, but at 2am on a Sunday night they're a menace. The customs officers are grumpy, the baggage carousel too loud and everyone is half asleep and short of temper. He nearly gets socked in the eye by a guy shoving him out of the way to get to his bag and he almost trips over a small overtired child running around wailing at the top of its lungs while the mother chases after it. He's exhausted and achy and all he wants is to collapse face first into his bed and sleep until the world makes sense again.
He doesn't want to wait forever for his bag to appear, he doesn't want to spend that time thinking about what things will be like with Jesse, he doesn't want to contemplate the fact that he might have his heart broken into tiny little pieces within the next few hours. All weekend he's been exchanging text messages with Jesse and had it been anyone else Andrew would have called them flirty, but it's Jesse and Andrew's not entirely sure he's been doing it on purpose.
He almost misses his bag rolling past on the conveyor belt and has to chase after it, grabbing it just before it disappears again. He scrubs a tired hand over his eyes and heads for the exit, trying to not think about anything at all.
--
The airport proper is too loud and too bright, crowded despite the late (early?) hour and he squints longingly towards the exit for the taxis. He squares his shoulders and starts towards the elevators instead.
"Andrew."
He stops, craning his neck, half certain he imagined the familiar voice, but then he spots them. Justin inexplicably dressed in a three-piece suit, and Jesse in jeans and a hoodie, his favorite cap pressed down over his hair. Jesse lifts his hand in an uncertain wave and for a moment Andrew forgets how to breathe.
"What are you doing here?" he asks and the question is meant for both of them but he can't stop staring at Jesse.
"What does it look like we're doing?" Justin huffs. "We're picking you up from the airport because neurosis over here was absolutely certain you'd get yourself killed if we let you on the tube."
"Don't call him that," Andrew says automatically, but he doesn't look away from Jesse's flushed face.
Jesse fidgets but he gives Andrew a small smile from underneath the brim of his cap. "Hey," he says.
"Hey," Andrew echoes smiling stupidly and they just stare at each other for a while.
Justin groans and pulls Andrew's bag out of his hand. "You can stare at each other in the car," he points out.
"Andrew likes looking at me," Jesse says, ducking his head so that his entire face is hidden by the brim of his cap, but he can't hide the pink tint to the tips of his ears.
"Yeah," Andrew agrees, heart fluttering helplessly. "I really, really do."
"It's like watching the courtship of middle-schoolers," Justin mutters. "And I know for a fact you're capable of having very loud athletic sex."
"It wasn't athletic," Jesse says and then his ears turn fire engine red.
"You're a bad person," Andrew says, glaring at Justin who looks completely unrepentant.
Justin shrugs. "I tell the truth as I see it."
"Can we go home now?" Jesse asks, voice low and hands stuffed deeply into his pockets. His entire posture screams misery and Andrew can't figure out what went wrong. He wants to reach out and touch, curl his fingers around Jesse's shoulder or put a hand at the small of his back, but Jesse looks so closed-off, so small, and Andrew doesn't want to embarrass him.
Andrew glares at Justin again, and says: "Sure."
--
The car ride is tense. Jesse insists that Andrew ride shotgun and then takes the seat behind him as if to make sure Andrew can't look at him. Andrew can hear him though, fingers beating a nervous staccato against the door and he wants to say something, but everything he comes up with sounds horribly banal and trite even in his own head.
"Do you know what we should do?" Justin asks, as he pulls up outside their apartment building a million silent minutes later. "We should get drunk."
"NO," Andrew and Jesse say at the same time, loud enough to make Justin twitch.
"Well, I'm sorry," Justin mutters. "It's not like I enjoy listening to you guys having sex."
"You'll just have to learn how to deal with it," Jesse says and then he's out of the car, practically running up the front steps.
Andrew blinks, pulse picking up speed. "Was that… Did he just…"
Justin sighs. "Go after him you fool, and don't say I never did anything for you."
Andrew tumbles out of the car, tripping over his own feet, while the front door falls closed behind Jesse. He's slow, after over ten hours spent on a plane, limbs stiff and stubborn, but his mind races fast enough to make up for it, going from elated to apprehensive and back again at breakneck speed.
He catches up with Jesse at their landing, skidding to a stop to watch Jesse jiggle the stubborn security lock.
"Hey," he says, breathless from the run.
Jesse shakes his head quickly, the back of his neck flushed. "Don't…" he starts, but then he cuts himself off and doesn't say anything more.
Andrew nods, biting down hard at his lower lip and staring at the rigid line of Jesse's back.
"I can't do this," Jesse says, giving up on the lock in favor of leaning his forehead against the door. "I thought I could but I just… I can't."
Andrew's heart sinks but he nods again, even if Jesse can't see him.
"I'm sorry," Jesse whispers and he sounds so broken that Andrew just wants to wrap him up in his arms and hold him until they both stop hurting.
He steps closer, gently pushing Jesse out of the way to get the door open. "I'm sorry too," he murmurs, but Jesse won't even look at him and everything hurts.
--
Nothing is okay. Everything is tense and off-kilter and exhausting. They try to pretend that it's alright, but they fail so hard it's painful. When they accidentally slip back into their old routine it only takes a moment before one of them tenses up and it all falls apart and it's not fair because they're both trying so fucking hard to make it work.
"How can you live with all this tension?" Justin asks one morning after Jesse's gone off to class.
Andrew shrugs and stares out the window. "I don't know," he answers.
He hates himself for ruining everything. He hates himself for pushing Jesse too far and putting that tight hurt look on his face. He hates himself for the way he still wants Jesse, even when he's hurting, even when he looks as if he's been to hell and back. He hates that he doesn't know how to fix this.
Justin's silent for a moment, stirring sugar into his coffee. "I'm sorry," he says eventually. "If it was something I did."
Andrew looks at him, really looks at him for the first time in a week and realizes that Justin looks tired too, eyes puffy and mouth drawn.
"It wasn't your fault," he says.
Justin nods, looking away. "It's just… I'm really rooting for you guys. You're…" He swallows, cheeks tinted pink. "You're my best friends."
"It'll be okay," Andrew says, but it sounds hollow even to his own ears. "We'll figure it out."
Justin nods again and offers up a half-hearted smile. Andrew looks down on his cup, staring into the dark depths of his coffee and hoping with his entire being that he's right -that somehow it will all be okay again.
--
Andrew can't sleep. He's lying in bed with the window open to let in the slight breeze, staring blindly up at the ceiling. Outside a car honks its horn and a motorcycle roars past, engine growling, but inside everything is quiet. He wonders if Jesse's sleeping or if he's awake too, sprawled on his bed in a simile of Andrew's position, or curled into a tight ball of anxiety like he does sometimes when the world overwhelms him. If Jesse's awake Andrew hopes that he's sprawling; he never wanted to be another burden on Jesse's shoulders, doesn't know what to do about the fact that he is.
He sighs and rolls out of bed. He pauses for a moment outside Jesse's door, hand poised to knock, but then he thinks better of it and pads down to the kitchen. He grabs a glass from the cupboard and pours himself some juice, drinking it with his hip cocked against the counter. Somewhere in the building a door slams, and the outdated pipes whine when someone runs the tap. Andrew takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He misses Jesse so much his stomach aches with it.
He pours himself another glass of juice and drinks it slowly, goose bumps rising along his arms with the chill of it. The counter digs into his hip, cold and sharp, and he curls his toes against the worn throw rug covering the floor.
"I'm okay," he says, voice too loud in the eerie silence. "I'm fine."
Easy to say, harder to be, but he swears to himself that he'll try harder from now on. He'll smile brighter and laugh louder and eventually it will stop being a charade. It's his mess and he's the one who has to fix it because no one else will.
--
He nearly walks right into Jesse on the way back to his room, a pale shadow pressed up against the wall, as if he hoped that Andrew would walk right past him.
"Sorry," Jesse murmurs, quick and rough, when Andrew sidesteps to avoid scuffing his toes. "I didn't hear you."
"It's okay," Andrew says, just as quickly, balling his hands into fists at his sides.
Neither of them moves; the air between them thickening with tension until Andrew can't even breathe. He wants to do something, say something, anything, to make it all okay, but what is there to say, really, that wouldn't be a bold-faced lie.
"First relationships don't last," Jesse says suddenly, words coming out a quick tumble. "You don't… you don't just stumble across the one who's perfect for you first thing. Life doesn't work that way."
Andrew inhales slowly, exhales, tries to read Jesse's face in the dark. "I don't understand," he says.
"You have to," Jesse says desperately. "You have to understand. It's not… it's not you. It was never you. It's… I can't…"
Jesse sucks in a shaky breath. "You had Dan," he says. "And you were happy and he made you smile but then… then… you didn't have Dan and you were sad all the time and that's… we can't do that because you have to… I… Fuck."
Andrew wants to reach out, he wants to reach out so much, but he keeps his hands balled at his sides waiting for Jesse to finish.
"You deserve better," Jesse says, surer now, as if it's final, as if it's an irrevocable truth. "You deserve someone better than me."
"Bullshit," Andrew explodes. "That's bullshit and you know it."
"If we just keep breathing," Jesse whispers. "If we just keep breathing and pretend it never happened then eventually we'll be okay and we'll still be friends and I can... I can still have you, a little piece of you, whatever piece you're willing to give, and it will be enough."
Andrew didn't think it was possible for his heart to break any further, but it's as if Jesse stomped on the pieces and this time it doesn't break for Andrew.
"Jesse," he says, voice rough. "Jess…"
"You never see Dan. You never talk about him. It's like… It's like he was never a part of your life and I can't… I can't… I already lost you once."
Andrew doesn't even try to stop himself from reaching out this time, curling his hands around Jesse's trembling arms and pulling him into a hug. "I thought about you every day for eight years," he murmurs. "Every single day and I would have called or written or sent a fucking smoke signal if I'd known you remembered me too."
Jesse trembles so hard Andrew imagines he can hear his bones rattle. "I'm so in love with you," Jesse chokes out. "Andrew… I'm so… so in love with you."
Jesse's fingers digs into Andrew's skin and he breathes, hot and uneven, against Andrew's neck. Andrew moves his hands to cradle the wings of Jesse's shoulder blades and leans back against the wall. His heart soars, pulse fluttering like the wings of a humming bird, and he presses a kiss to Jesse's sweaty temple.
"I love you too, Jess, you know that," he murmurs. "We'll figure it out, okay?"
"I wanted to make a grand gesture," Jesse whispers, still trembling. "Emma said I had to. So I coerced Justin into picking you up from the airport and I really meant to say something but… I freaked out and I fucked up and then everything hurt and I wasn't… I wasn't going to let myself do this... I…"
He trails off, gasping against Andrew's collarbone as if he's run a mile and not just crossed the hall.
"I'm not… this is not…" He stops and sucks in a deep breath. "I just want to be with you," he lets out with the exhale, words bleeding together.
Andrew rests his cheek against Jesse's temple and pretends that his eyes aren't watering. "That's good," he croaks. "Because that's what I want to."
Jesse worms his hands in under Andrew's worn t-shirt, touching the skin at the small of his back, he's not shaking quite as hard.
"I'm probably a horrible boyfriend," he whispers.
"That's okay," Andrew murmurs, smiling so wide his face hurts.
"No it isn't," Jesse says, annoyed.
Andrew laughs and hugs him tighter. "I don't think it's possible for you to be a horrible anything," he says.
Jesse makes a noise as if he doesn't agree but he doesn't argue, staying pressed up to Andrew's front with his face buried against Andrew's shoulder.
"I really have to pee," he mutters after a moment and Andrew can't help the way he completely breaks down, laughing so hard he cries.
"It's not funny," Jesse says petulantly, but Andrew's eyes are accustomed enough to the dark that he can see Jesse's smile when he pulls back.
"I'm sorry," Andrew gasps. "Just… never change, okay?"
Jesse snorts, reaching out to touch Andrew's hair. "I would if I knew how," he says wistfully. "But I find it… uhm… terribly reassuring that you… uh… like me despite me being… uh… me."
"Not despite," Andrew says sternly, touching Jesse's face. "Because."
"I… uh… yeah."
Andrew can't see Jesse's face well enough to tell but he thinks that Jesse's blushing and he's gnawing on his lower lip in a way that looks more pleased than nervous.
"Go to the bathroom," Andrew says. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Yeah, okay. It might… yeah."
Andrew gets a glimpse of Jesse's face when the bathroom light turns on and he's definitely blushing. The door snicks closed and Andrew sinks back against the wall, filling his lungs to the brim with air for what feels like the first time in weeks. It only takes a moment for the door to open again and Jesse to peer out at him.
"I can't pee when I know you're just outside the door," he says.
Andrew wants to kiss him so much it physically hurts, but he just smiles. "I'll be in my room," he says. "And you are invited."
Jesse scrunches his face up. "Yeah… so I'll have a cold shower and then pee," he mutters. "It might take a while."
Andrew laughs all the way to his room and then he flops down on the bed and grins up at the ceiling because it's impossible not to. It's weird to think that less than an hour ago he was trying to psyche himself into being okay with not having Jesse and now Jesse is his… boyfriend. He smiles even harder and feels a bit like a dork but it's okay because he's pretty sure Jesse likes him anyway.
He fumbles for the bedside light when he hears the bathroom door open and flicks it on the moment Jesse steps through the door. Jesse stops, blinking uncertainly, and makes a wry face.
"I forgot," he mutters.
"Forgot what?"
"That you're the lights on kind of guy."
Andrew laughs and knots his hands under his head. "Well, we already established how much I like looking at you."
Jesse flushes and pushes the door closed behind him, hands fluttering at his sides as he walks over to the bed. Andrew smiles up at him, patting the open space on the sheets.
"Come and cuddle with me," he says.
"Just cuddle?" Jesse asks, gingerly sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Anything you want," Andrew murmurs, reaching out to touch the small of Jesse's back.
"Okay." Jesse's silent for a moment. "I want you to… uh… fuck me."
He says it fast, words almost tripping over each other and Andrew narrows his eyes even while a surge of want spikes through his stomach.
"Look at me, Jess," he says.
Jesse shakes his head but after a moment he lies down and rolls over on his side to face Andrew. His cheeks are pink and his bottom lip stuck between his teeth, Andrew reaches out to touch the sharp edge of his cheekbone, curling his fingers around the side of Jesse's face.
"We can do anything you want," Andrew says. "But I don't want you to ask for something because it's what you think I want."
Jesse doesn't look at him, eyes fixed somewhere just above Andrew's head. "It's not…" He cuts himself off, eyes flittering down to Andrew's face. "I want… I want that. I… I want you to… I do."
"Okay," Andrew says, breathless all of a sudden. "Okay."
He leans forward, brushing his lips over Jesse's before pulling back again to watch his face. Jesse follows, pressing their lips together again and fisting his hands into the front of Andrew's shirt. It starts out easy but turns hungry within moments, noses bumping and teeth knocking as they struggle to get closer.
Andrew's panting when he pulls back to get Jesse's shirt over his head, lips already buzzing from Jesse's slight stubble.
"God, you're gorgeous," he breathes, sitting back on his haunches to just stare at Jesse, spread out and half naked in his bed.
"I wish you wouldn't do that," Jesse groans, throwing an arm over his eyes while his flush extends down to his breastbone.
Jesse's chest rises and falls with his rapid breaths and his boxers are quite obviously tented in the front. Andrew licks his lips, curling his hands around Jesse's thighs and pulling his legs further apart.
"Can I take your boxers off?" Andrew asks, sliding his fingers in under the edges of the legs, stroking his fingertips over Jesse's silky skin.
Jesse swallows, licking his lips. "Only if you… too."
Andrew smiles and shrugs out of his shirt, dropping it on the floor before he wriggles out of his pajama pants in a way that is probably terribly unsexy but Jesse doesn't seem to mind, peeking out from under his arm to watch Andrew undress.
"You're…" Jesse licks his lips. "Amazing. You look amazing."
He sounds so earnest that Andrew has to kiss him which of course sets them off again, sharing drawn out hungry kisses with their legs tangled and hands touching anywhere they can reach. Andrew slides his hand into Jesse's loose boxers, cupping his ass, and Jesse groans deep in his throat, hips stuttering against Andrew's.
"Please," he whispers and it's 2am on a Tuesday night and they've waited long enough.
--
Andrew is nervous, fingers trembling as he slides them in between Jesse's cheeks. He wants, so much, to do this right and this time he doesn't have the comfort of alcohol to lean back against. Jesse shivers when Andrew's fingers find their target, rubbing slow and slick over tight crinkled skin. He has one arm thrown over his eyes again and a hectic flush stains his cheeks, but when Andrew pauses, biting down on his lower lip, Jesse lifts his arm to give him a pointed look.
"I'm not made of glass," he says.
"I know," Andrew huffs out. "It's just… I want to do this right."
"Well…" Jesse smiles. "You are. A little slowly, but you're doing alright."
Andrew laughs and kisses him and slides one of his fingers into him at the same time, which is quite a feat and also makes Jesse gasp into his mouth.
"How's that for slow?" he asks, crooking his finger.
Jesse only answer is a moan. Andrew thinks it's the best answer ever.
--
By the time Andrew works three fingers into Jesse everything is sticky slick with lube and sweat and he's so hard he thinks he might die. Jesse is coming apart at the seams writhing against the soiled sheets with his hands balled into fists and his lips bitten raw.
"Fuck," he gasps. "Come on."
"Yeah," Andrew breathes, moving his fingers faster, harder. "Jess…"
Jesse arches off the bed another desperate moan escaping his lips. "Andrew," he pants when his muscles relaxes. "You have to… please… now."
Andrew kisses him, messy-slick and breathless, fumbling around the bed for the condoms. "I'm not gonna last ten seconds," he warns.
"That's okay," Jesse slurs. "Just wanna feel you."
Andrew wishes he was less turned on, less desperate, because he wants to savor every second of this, but there's just no way he's going to last with Jesse spread out and eager and his own pulse throbbing like thunder in his ears.
He pulls his fingers out and fumbles with the condom, biting back a groan when Jesse reaches down to help him.
"Fuck," he breathes, hips stuttering forward. "You're not helping."
Jesse just smiles, dreamy like, and doesn't pull his hands away. The lube gets everywhere again, slippery and viscous; it trickles down Andrew's thighs and drips down on Jesse, who is still smiling that dreamy smile, thighs spread wide and cock hard against his stomach.
"Yeah," he whispers, when Andrew crawls forward, moving on top of him. "Finally."
Andrew chuckles and kisses him and curls his hand hard around the base of his dick. "Tell me if I hurt you," he murmurs.
"Mmhmm," Jesse agrees, easily lifting his legs to wrap around Andrew's back. "Love you."
Andrew moans and slowly, as slowly as he possibly can, pushes forward. They both groan when he pushes past the initial resistance and he pauses, holding on to his control with all of his might.
"Okay?" he breathes.
"Fuck, yeah…" Jesse answers, opening his eyes wide to stare up at Andrew's face.
Andrew can tell that it hurts, at least a little bit, by the way Jesse's fingers dig into his back and his breath hitches, but there's no hesitation in Jesse's darkened eyes, just an infinite humbling trust that Andrew doesn't know how to handle.
They keep eye contact until Andrew bottoms out, holding still with trembling thighs and bated breath. Jesse smiles again, sliding his hands up to touch Andrew's hair.
"You're inside me," he whispers, reverent.
Andrew swallows thickly and rocks forward, forcing himself to thrust slow and steady.
"Oh," Jesse gasps. "Oh… Andrew…"
There's no holding back after that, he doesn't even try and the way Jesse meets him thrust for thrust, arching his back and digging his heels into Andrew's skin, says he's okay with that.
"Love you," Andrew breathes, hoarse and wild. "God, Jess… I love you."
It's sappy and stupid and you shouldn't say it during sex but he can't help it. It wells up inside, huge and amazing, and he wants to tell Jesse every minute of every day and he wants to stay in this moment forever.
He lets himself get lost in Jesse, in the moment, in the harsh breaths shared between their open mouths. Somehow he manages to get a hand between them and curl it around Jesse's cock, fisting him without the slightest bit of coordination or rhythm in a messy counterpoint to the erratic beat of his hips.
Jesse's breath hitches on every exhale, coming out it whines and whimpers. "Yes, yes, oh, yes, yes. Oh."
He digs furrows into Andrew's back and bites at Andrew's lips and Andrew is so close he can barely hold back.
"I'm gonna…" he gasps and that's all the incentive Jesse needs, arching up and spilling slickly over Andrew's fingers, heels digging hard into Andrew's back.
Andrew follows seconds later, coming so hard he nearly blacks out. He's pretty sure he screams, or cries, or something like that, hips stuttering against Jesse's ass, until he collapses forward, squishing Jesse to the bed.
"Mmmrgh," Jesse says, but he wraps his arms hard around Andrew's heaving shoulders, holding him close.
"I love you," Andrew breathes. "Stupidly."
"Is that why you're trying to kill me?" Jesse asks.
"Mmhmm," Andrew agrees, nuzzling the underside of Jesse's jaw. "Exactly."
Somehow he remembers how to string his limbs together and manages to push up on his elbows, taking some of the weight of Jesse's chest. Jesse has his lower lip captured between his teeth but he still smiles. It's the most adorable thing Andrew’s ever seen.
"Hey." Andrew rubs their noses together and smiles against Jesse's lips. "You okay?"
"You're still inside of me," Jesse says, but he sounds more wondrous than grossed out.
"Yeah," Andrew says, kissing the corner of his mouth. "Feel bad?"
"No, just… different. Good… Could we do it again like this?"
Andrew groans, biting lightly at Jesse's jaw line. "We sure could try," he mutters. "But I'd still have to pull out and change the condom."
"Okay," Jesse sighs, walking his fingers up Andrew's back. "If you must."
Jesse winces when Andrew shifts so that his softened dick slips out of Jesse's body.
"Okay?" Andrew asks, as he removes the condom and ties it up, dropping it into the trashcan beside the bed.
"Yeah." Jesse frowns. "But I kinda… miss you?"
Andrew laughs and crawls up Jesse’s body to kiss his adorable silly mouth. "If you're not too sore I'll fuck you in the morning," he promises.
"I'd like that," Jesse says seriously and Andrew laughs again.
Andrew gets a washcloth from the bathroom to clean them off before they find a relatively clean corner of the sheets to curl up on. Jesse is the clingiest big spoon there ever was but Andrew can't say he minds the octopus-embrace, or Jesse's soft breath stirring the fine hairs at his nape.
"I love you," Andrew murmurs, touching the arm Jesse has wrapped around his waist. "Please be here tomorrow morning."
"I will," Jesse promises and he sounds like he really means in, sated and secure.
Andrew's almost asleep when Jesse speaks again.
"So I was thinking… can I adopt a cat? There's a shelter down the street and… uh… I'd really like to have a cat. It can… it can be our cat. Like a child. But a cat and uh… not so demanding and Justin's not allergic… I asked."
Andrew isn't sure if he wants to laugh or cry, or maybe a little bit of both. "Do I even want to know how long you've wanted a cat?" he asks.
"Probably not," Jesse admits, pressing his face into Andrew's back. "This just seemed like a good time to ask."
Andrew shakes his head against the pillows and smiles helplessly into the darkness. "Yeah, Jess," he murmurs. "We can get a cat."
He can feel the curve of Jesse's smile against his back and the warm press of Jesse's palm against his chest. It feels a lot like forever.
-The End-
Thanks for sticking with me! <333
fluid bonding (tiny little sequel set almost a year later)