"god, i wish i could sleep..."
songs flowin' through my troubled head, this troubled mind, how mama didn't visit me when i was stuck between stiff sheets, but, now, she visit elsewhere, she visits the sister's house, the suburban house, with a real kitchen, with a real husband, with real children, with real ninety-fifties reality, and, me, slits across these tiny wrists, while my waist decreased daily by pound after pound, with veins pumped full of who knows fucking what, she could not pause her daily routine to say hello, to say i love you, to say i hope you get well. i ain't lookin' for an apology, i ain't lookin' for a geez, julie, i'm sorry i passed this on to you, geez, julie, i'm sorry for the abuse, geez, julie, i'm sorry for the scars on you. i ain't lookin' for an apology, only a telephone call, a simple hello, a simple, hey, how are you. not that. i can't get that. why would i deserve that? a regular, a cop. he has to interview children, he has to say, oh, geez, did mommy or daddy stick a thumb up your butt, to which they reply, yes. he saw the tattoo, he saw the scar and he asked, what of it, a cry for help or a sign of abuse, i wanted to scream and punch and yell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. do you feel the rhythm of this heated decree? unfold and fold and unfold again. origami. what of it? the scars, they're there, you want to know why? the deepest amount of anger, of hate. nowhere to place it, not upon them, not upon you, only upon self. lately i daydream of more scars, of what marks i'd burn with the sharpest of blades, right down the back of my inner arm, i dream, oh, how i dream! how long, how deep! it'd bleed through everything! but i can't admit this animosity! the guilt they make me feel. the guilt you make me feel. the guilt i make myself feel. the tremendous overwhelming nature of it all. i don't want to die, no, no, no, not at all. this is not suicide. i want to hurt because i can't bear to hurt you. i can't bear to tell you how sensitive you are, how utterly sensitive, how selfish, how utterly unaware of how your decisions have created this life. how much it hurts to hear one's own mother admit that she doesn't think you'll survive. how she admits she wishes you never were born so that she could live her life! has your own mother opened to you, openly admitted to you how much she wish she never had you? has your own mother told you that she thinks you will kill yourself before she herself hits that patch of grass that marks eternal breathlessness? tell me. tell me how that fucking feels. you've been torn down, shaken up, made a fool. but who are you to be so fucking miserable? who am i to be so fucking miserable? to be honest, i don't understand a fucking thing anymore. i just want to be happy. i'm happy waiting tables, even with a BA. a fucking goddamn BA. who fucking cares? a piece of paper sayin' i had good grades, i've done good, i can read a book and write a paper about it. but now i read books. and there's no one there with which to discuss. there was never anyone there other than the feelings and the pages. read rilke. tell me how you fucking feel. fuck your goddamned theory. tell me your fucking feelings. even if they're nothing. tell me how you goddamn feel. and i'll tell you how i goddamn feel. it's a beautiful time of year in a beautiful fucking town. i'm twenty four years old. that is fucking nothing in the grand scheme of things. my life is a goddamn speck. my credit blows. i'm trying to make due waiting tables. i'm trying to be financially independent. here we are, face to face, on the edge of who know's what. i refuse to back down on what i believe. i believe in the strength of the human spirit. i believe in compassion. oh, above all else, i believe in compassion, i believe in love, i believe that understanding is love and love is understanding. but above all else, i believe in compassion, the strength of compassion, compassion, compassion, compassion. where did it go? where did you let it run to? in this fucked up rat race to some insignificant end, where did the compassion go? oh, how i'll love every one, with the utmost of compassion, every creature i set eyes upon, every human i've ever and will ever meet. how i wish i could share the strength to do such a thing. how i wish i had the strength to do more. oh lord, oh lord, it's hurts so much. but it's worth it. i know it's worth it.