Nothing is Hopeless -- We must hope for everything.
So it is true:
My computer crashed, and I have been skipping class.
There are these moments where the lines get blurred between space and time -- I feel, in bursts, that I am still in high school, wondering what the fuck is going on.
But then, in the next instant, I get this look at my life -- and it is very strange, because I never imagined getting to a place like this.
Last night Ben installed my new hard drive for me, while Jordan and I sat on the couch and giggled together about this and that -- she'd found a quote for me in this end-of-the-world type story -- it was about how even the most tragic in life must eventually become commonplace -- it is, after all, how we survive. But it was nicely put, and Jordan is just so great. In the midst of our talking we realized that we had the same American Girl doll -- Samantha -- don't ask how we got to that topic! It was just really funny, in a precious sort of way. What it is, is that I wish I had known Jordan, and all these people, all my life -- I wish they were my siblings and my friends, and I wish that there had never been a moment in which I didn't know that such beautiful people existed.
But I also think that the way we grew separately when younger shaped us better to fit together now -- and I am thankful for that.
I stayed for dinner at the domes while my computer hummed into its new soul -- and, of course, Marina was there.
It was funny, because earlier that day I had put on the bracelet that Marina had made for me to match her neckless, and I was thinking that, "well, everything may have gone to shit, but no matter what, Marina still loves me". Marina is Alex's little girl, and I doubt I've ever met a kid with more energy -- though Andrew comes close. I really love being around Marina -- mostly because she is just completely wild -- and also, I admit, because she seems to think I'm pretty great. I came in, and when she saw me she immediately wanted me to sit next to her, and then she leaned in close to me and said,
"Can I tell you something?"
"You can tell me anything."
-- she jumped at me, and threw her little arms around my neck and squeezed me in a tight hug. After she let go she said,
"That's what I wanted to tell you"
"That was a wonderful thing to tell me"
"Do you know what it means?"
"What?"
"I love you."
"Well, I love you too."
Then she spent the rest of dinner throwing herself into me, so that I would knock right over -- after which we would both laugh uproariously -- usually with me flat on my back, and Marina sitting on my chest -- and then every time we heard each other laughing, it would just set us off again. At some point she asked me -- while she was laughing -- why I was laughing so hard. I told her it was because she had knocked every bit of sense right out of me.
I spent a while after dinner just running about with her in my arms, twirling her about and being ridiculous -- Marina roared so loud and so much that I told her she would wear her voice box out and we'd have to get it replaced -- and then what, oh what, would her mother say?
It was just a lot of fun, and just what I needed at that point. Sometimes things just seem completely impossible, and everything is tilting too much to stand -- and its then that you need to be around the people that make you realize that you are surrounded by love, that you know who you are, and that everything is not lost. Being around kids always reminds me of who I am -- because with them I am free to feel right as it comes to me -- I don't have to analyze -- I just am.
Later that night, when my computer was up on it's tinkerings once more, I went with Jordan to the Domes' Women's Circle. It was fucking brilliant. We just got our house' menstruation calendar up, and Natalia and I had just been thinking about trying to get a women's circle of our own -- there used to be one, of course, back when Tessa and Keren were here. Anyway, Jordan said it would be great to get all the Domes' and the Co-ops' ladies together for one big group every full moon -- and I think that would be awesome. I've been missing the Domies lately, and it would be a really good way for our communities to bond. I'm pretty excited about it!
I'm still trying to get things sorted out, and I am miserable at the thought of my lost data -- but really, I can't help feeling very happy that I have such a loving group of people all around me. I feel very well taken care of. Oh -- it is just so wonderful.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, and as giddy about the upcoming holidays as I am -- Thanksgiving is going to be splendid! And I've already started to tote out my Christmas music . . . . har har har!
Muah!