About Apologies and Forgiveness
I've been thinking lately about what forgiveness is, especially in regards to the people we love and the people who love us. Sometimes I have this expectation or unrealistic want for love to be unconditional. That once someone loves someone else it means instant forgiveness and complete acceptance of the other person under most circumstances. When it comes to friends and chosen loves, is this possible or realistic? Love is quite discretionary in those cases.
What is forgiveness? Is instant forgiveness an empathic understanding that the wrong committed wasn't on purpose and so one should forget and move on? Is forgiveness an understanding that the wrong committed just as easily could have been done by the person wronged, and the person wronged should let it go and just move on? What do I expect when I apologize for something and is that reasonable? How do I act and feel when someone does something wrong that impacts me in a negative way and then apologizes? How often do I even let someone know when they've wronged me?
I want an apology to bring clarity and understanding to both sides. I should realize that many times people don't realize that x action etc. hurt me, as I am guilty of being quite self centered on a regular basis, and as a result, I should be able to tell people. When someone apologizes to me for something I want to know they have understood what they did and why it was hurtful (even when I have to explain) and I also want to know why they did what they did. I can't say I like excuses, but understanding that it was not personal, probably, is helpful to me. Sometimes if an offer to try and make the wrong as right as possible is also helpful. I don't need, nor do I want, someone to say "It won't happen again". I don't believe in absolutes like that. I can forgive people best under those conditions.
What is forgiveness from me, what kind of forgiveness do I give? Is forgiveness a gift? Forgiveness from me means I won't hold that thing you did to me against you - we can move on in our interactions and I won't think worse of you. On a humorous note, it means, I'm really good at denial and will probably forget bad thing a happened - if an apology is given. Forgiveness means I won't continually try and prove my point that you did a bad thing.
When I do wrong, I want someone to tell me, straight up, that I hurt them in some way and why. When I apologize for something, I really want an opportunity for trying to make up for said bad thing. I want an opportunity not to justify my actions, but for the other to understand they weren't intentional. I want the other person to not hold said wrong against me nor feel it necessary to remind me whenever the opportunity occurs that I did said wrong and it was awful. I won't tell you it won't happen again, I'm human, and while I will feel bad that such thing occurred, and I will try and be careful not to let said thing happen, I'm also human and not always thinking about everyone else. I want us to move on in our interaction and for said action not to be held against me.
Unrealistically I want the apology to have an instant soothing effect on the other person's hurt feelings, ruffled feathers, or anger.
Sometimes it seems this is impossible and quite fair. In situations where the wrong really can't be fixed, the anger about the situation, that some kind of trust was breached or expectation unmet, of course it's going to take longer than a few moments for the anger about it to subside. I guess the key is not to see the anger as unreasonable or to mistake it for non-forgiveness. In fact, if forgiveness is instant, has the thing really been forgiven? In motivational interviewing one key thing to look for is an over-willingness to change. If there isn't at least some hesitation or resistance than the person hasn't really thought about what the change means or hasn't taken it seriously. I guess if an apology for something big was instantaneous, then maybe it wasn't fully thought out and it will instead linger and fester underneath the social nicety of things being 'okay'.
Are there un-forgiveable things? Is an action un-forgiveable when it has permanent consequences that cannot be fixed?
Is forgiveness always possible? Can you forgive the serial killer for killing a loved one or the drunk driver? Can you forgive the abusive? Can you forgive those you can't find any empathy or common ground with? Is it fair not to forgive?
Does it become unforgiveable when the upsetting action continues to happen? What do both people do in that situation? I guess there are a few options: A. Person doing the harm finds a way not to continue to harm other person. B. Person doing the the harm and person harmed sit down and agree harmful thing is bad and together look at harmful situation and come up with ways to prevent harmful thing from happening. C. Person being harmed finds way not be be harmed by other person. D. Either party decides to take care of themselves by ending interaction, if possible, with the other person.
Is it ever possible to redefine unacceptable thing as acceptable? What happens when unacceptable thing cannot ever be acceptable? Do friends part ways? Lovers disassociate? Underling gets fired? Who determines whether those are acceptable consequences? I guess either person has those choices. Certainly if person doing the harm cannot help or will not change and person being harmed continues to think action is harmful, then the person doing the harm can decide to end the interaction because they cannot deal with feelings from person being harmed. And vice versa, if the person being harmed cannot find a way to deal with harmful action, they have the responsibility to take care of themselves.
What is forgiveness? Is instant forgiveness an empathic understanding that the wrong committed wasn't on purpose and so one should forget and move on? Is forgiveness an understanding that the wrong committed just as easily could have been done by the person wronged, and the person wronged should let it go and just move on? What do I expect when I apologize for something and is that reasonable? How do I act and feel when someone does something wrong that impacts me in a negative way and then apologizes? How often do I even let someone know when they've wronged me?
I want an apology to bring clarity and understanding to both sides. I should realize that many times people don't realize that x action etc. hurt me, as I am guilty of being quite self centered on a regular basis, and as a result, I should be able to tell people. When someone apologizes to me for something I want to know they have understood what they did and why it was hurtful (even when I have to explain) and I also want to know why they did what they did. I can't say I like excuses, but understanding that it was not personal, probably, is helpful to me. Sometimes if an offer to try and make the wrong as right as possible is also helpful. I don't need, nor do I want, someone to say "It won't happen again". I don't believe in absolutes like that. I can forgive people best under those conditions.
What is forgiveness from me, what kind of forgiveness do I give? Is forgiveness a gift? Forgiveness from me means I won't hold that thing you did to me against you - we can move on in our interactions and I won't think worse of you. On a humorous note, it means, I'm really good at denial and will probably forget bad thing a happened - if an apology is given. Forgiveness means I won't continually try and prove my point that you did a bad thing.
When I do wrong, I want someone to tell me, straight up, that I hurt them in some way and why. When I apologize for something, I really want an opportunity for trying to make up for said bad thing. I want an opportunity not to justify my actions, but for the other to understand they weren't intentional. I want the other person to not hold said wrong against me nor feel it necessary to remind me whenever the opportunity occurs that I did said wrong and it was awful. I won't tell you it won't happen again, I'm human, and while I will feel bad that such thing occurred, and I will try and be careful not to let said thing happen, I'm also human and not always thinking about everyone else. I want us to move on in our interaction and for said action not to be held against me.
Unrealistically I want the apology to have an instant soothing effect on the other person's hurt feelings, ruffled feathers, or anger.
Sometimes it seems this is impossible and quite fair. In situations where the wrong really can't be fixed, the anger about the situation, that some kind of trust was breached or expectation unmet, of course it's going to take longer than a few moments for the anger about it to subside. I guess the key is not to see the anger as unreasonable or to mistake it for non-forgiveness. In fact, if forgiveness is instant, has the thing really been forgiven? In motivational interviewing one key thing to look for is an over-willingness to change. If there isn't at least some hesitation or resistance than the person hasn't really thought about what the change means or hasn't taken it seriously. I guess if an apology for something big was instantaneous, then maybe it wasn't fully thought out and it will instead linger and fester underneath the social nicety of things being 'okay'.
Are there un-forgiveable things? Is an action un-forgiveable when it has permanent consequences that cannot be fixed?
Is forgiveness always possible? Can you forgive the serial killer for killing a loved one or the drunk driver? Can you forgive the abusive? Can you forgive those you can't find any empathy or common ground with? Is it fair not to forgive?
Does it become unforgiveable when the upsetting action continues to happen? What do both people do in that situation? I guess there are a few options: A. Person doing the harm finds a way not to continue to harm other person. B. Person doing the the harm and person harmed sit down and agree harmful thing is bad and together look at harmful situation and come up with ways to prevent harmful thing from happening. C. Person being harmed finds way not be be harmed by other person. D. Either party decides to take care of themselves by ending interaction, if possible, with the other person.
Is it ever possible to redefine unacceptable thing as acceptable? What happens when unacceptable thing cannot ever be acceptable? Do friends part ways? Lovers disassociate? Underling gets fired? Who determines whether those are acceptable consequences? I guess either person has those choices. Certainly if person doing the harm cannot help or will not change and person being harmed continues to think action is harmful, then the person doing the harm can decide to end the interaction because they cannot deal with feelings from person being harmed. And vice versa, if the person being harmed cannot find a way to deal with harmful action, they have the responsibility to take care of themselves.