Doubt and Possibilities
Today I'm full of doubt regarding my level of commitment to the science degree. I'm only taking one class this semester (elements of calc2) and I'm only working 20 hours. I didn't get financial aid and that really put a damper on my financial expectations. Now, instead of being a great supplement to the student loans, the job is my income. That's not working very well and the financial stress is distracting. Pet-sitting is a good supplement, but inconsistent at best. If Gen and I had been doing the half and half instead of percentage of income model of combined finances, there'd be no way I could manage, especially toward the end of last semester. And it looks like that is probably a better model for us now. But anyway, back to my opening topic. I'm not feeling the passionate desire to be a biologist, or not feeling it enough to take this class seriously and not be a month behind. The question is whether to take that as enough evidence that it's a bad choice to be taking it right now anyway, and drop the class so I can pick up an additional steady job. Well, maybe that will be easy, maybe that will be hard, but it's necessary, especially if we move to the 50/50 model of combining expenses. If we do that, I need a minimum of an additional $85 per week. My first thought is to ask if I can increase my hours at work to that, but I don't think there's any wiggle room there at all.
The reason the class is linked, is because I'm thinking I should just drop it to leave more room for employment. But I'm also thinking that I want to drop it because I think it's hard and impossible to catch up at this point. And that makes me think about my lack of follow through when things become hard. And back to my habit of not doing enough work related to school to excel. Last semester I was hoping that I would be able to prove my worth in the science classes, realize without a doubt that I want to be in the science field. I got some confirmation of that, but I don't think I would have done as well if I was taking the calc element class for the 1st time, or had to take my chem final. I'm afraid it means I'm kind of lazy and don't want to put in the effort that's required of me for the degree.
Maybe I should wait even longer to become serious about biology and perhaps pursue a Trade, instead. I imagine I could be a successful electrician with a focus on solar powered electricity. Gen's been encouraging me to do that for over a year. And I kind of feel like I should try it and see. Maybe I don't want to compete with other potential biologists to see who's the most commited, who would do the job without much repayment. Really, when I think about it, especially with regards to my last post, I don't know if it would make me happy enough to be and underpaid biologist in the long run. Gen certainly hasn't been happy with underpaidness, even if she's using her intelligence and skills to good use in the world. I feel really sad when I think about giving up on biology degree for awhile, even if it means pursuing something even more practical and useful.
I do find the concept of electricity is really fascinating. Working with the conduits energy moves through and is harnessed and controled with could be fun and empowering. My solar class last semester rocked, I must say. I wonder, will my loans stay deferred if I'm in a trade skill program instead? I could and did see the possibility of becoming an electrician and working with solar installations. And in my work place environment I'm pretty task based and like finishing things. In my current computer based, excel heavy job, I like working on being more detailed oriented. One of the things I like so far, is that the work I'm doing is easily checkable. Like I know when I've put a number in wrong or missed something, because the formula doesn't add up. So I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect that I can work on and improve what I think is my weakest issue before I have to worry about blowing fuses and potentially electrocuting myself.
There's more to life than child-hood wimsy, I guess. I still need to figure out whether I should drop the calc class though. I don't think it's something I'll need for the electrican program. At least auditing it wouldn't hurt though, unless it prevented me from getting additional employment. I wonder if our gym needs a morning person. If I didn't drop it, I'd have Tuesday and Friday and a weekend day to work. And the evenings if Gen were to get an additional job as well. If I dropped the class I could work from early early mornings until 10:30 or so and then go to my other job. I suppose I should check the last day to drop and pursue additional employment and wait until I've got it to drop the class. Next stop the cnm website: re electrician apprenticeships and then craigslist...