(no subject)

[jewelinthelotus]

this is my last morning, spent in this apt, with the morning, blue, dewy light flood my room. sigh. last night, i went out with some friends from work, and felt a wave of negativity (just from a couple of people), and ugly behavior on my behalf. i question this. was it because i was feeling bad about the way i was being treated? or looked upon? these people dont know me, judgements kept flooding into my sensories from these people. how dare you be intelligient? strong? witty? beautiful? how dare you NOT be. that's my response. i feel bad for reacting the way i did - but sometimes an experience shows us something we didnt see before. the area i went to was filled with a general permeation of sex and alcohol. not bad, but i realized, it is definitely not where i see myself right now. i feel hurt by my friend - who is the girlfriend of my longtime guy friend. does she feel threatened? sigh. the energy between us was terrible. i felt like i had to become a lesser person around her in order to save face. im venting this, because it keeps spinning around in my mind - on my last morning here, before i begin a new chapter. on the way back to the car, i saw a homeless man. . curled up on the street, his entire face was covered in tears, weeping.

sigh. im here to do what i can? i hope so.

sending love, and opening myself up for more understanding.