Strangely optimistic update.
I am SO happy lately. And not in my usual "Life is going well" when it really isn't way. I feel more in control of my life than I ever have before. I think a lot of that has to do with having two and a half jobs, so I can actually afford to do things. But it's not just that. For once in my life, I feel like I'm not desperately trying to figure out what to do next.
I am a little bit worried about what I am going to do after grad school, but I think I am actually confident enough to make my own decisions now. And anyway, I have a year an a half before I have to know for sure.
I am seriously thinking about going to Korea or something though. Heidi and I went out to the bar one night and I was telling her how I feel like my last big chance to go somewhere is after grad school. She told me that I should think of it as my first big chance. I think she is kind of right about that, and it made me feel better about things. But the point remains if I DON'T have the courage to go when I am done with grad school, I probably never will. I am not convinced that someone will ever really want to marry me (except maybe Shaun, which is another crazy story that I do not have time to get into in THIS entry) but I don't think it is completely impossible to imagine. And once you are married with kids and a house and a career, you can't really be like "I think I am going to move to the other side of the world for a year or two, and then backpack Europe." So I am going to do it soon.
I am kind of worried about how my parents will take it. I am also worried about what the hell I will do when I come back since I probably won't be able to save THAT much money, and I might not even have a home to come back to. But...I will worry about that when it comes to it. I am tired of being so apprehensive about everything. Nothing is usually ever as bad as I imagine it will be. And... I could always stay another year in Korea if I had to, right?
So anyway... I know I say this kind of stuff all the time...but I really feel like I am free in a way that I have never been before. It's like I had this dark cloud over me for years. Even when I was happy, I was always afraid of the darkness overtaking the light at any moment. I was never safe from it. But I feel like I am finally free from it. It may well be that I have finally learned some coping skills. I guess (almost) being a grown up isn't so bad.
I made a list of "goals" last year, and so far I have done most of them quite well. I maintained my 4.0. And I got a new job (actually multiple new jobs) that were better than I could have imagined. I also have a much better social life, and I am way more confident. So next up: being healthy. I joined WW today, even though I probably won't really start on it until after the new year. And I am going to start going to the gym more consistently, even though I hate it.
I'm also thinking of finally getting some braces, and facing my fear of contacts. And maybe updating my look. I mean...what the hell? Eric said I look the same as I did in...kindergarten! lol.
In addition, I would love to start doing more volunteer/community development work. I did quite a bit of volunteering in my late teens and early twenties but I haven't really felt like I was able to for the last few years or so. I don't have a lot of time right now...but maybe I can try to fit it in. At least until I get my fourth job in the fall. (I am seriously considering a fouth job...but it's at U of M, and that was always one of my dreams, wasn't it? And I am starting to believe that dreams really do come true, with a heck of a lot of effort.)
And I think moving out with Angela is a great idea. Now if only if I could convince my bff into moving back here everything would be the epitome of awesome. But.... I guess we can't have everything.
I am a little bit worried about what I am going to do after grad school, but I think I am actually confident enough to make my own decisions now. And anyway, I have a year an a half before I have to know for sure.
I am seriously thinking about going to Korea or something though. Heidi and I went out to the bar one night and I was telling her how I feel like my last big chance to go somewhere is after grad school. She told me that I should think of it as my first big chance. I think she is kind of right about that, and it made me feel better about things. But the point remains if I DON'T have the courage to go when I am done with grad school, I probably never will. I am not convinced that someone will ever really want to marry me (except maybe Shaun, which is another crazy story that I do not have time to get into in THIS entry) but I don't think it is completely impossible to imagine. And once you are married with kids and a house and a career, you can't really be like "I think I am going to move to the other side of the world for a year or two, and then backpack Europe." So I am going to do it soon.
I am kind of worried about how my parents will take it. I am also worried about what the hell I will do when I come back since I probably won't be able to save THAT much money, and I might not even have a home to come back to. But...I will worry about that when it comes to it. I am tired of being so apprehensive about everything. Nothing is usually ever as bad as I imagine it will be. And... I could always stay another year in Korea if I had to, right?
So anyway... I know I say this kind of stuff all the time...but I really feel like I am free in a way that I have never been before. It's like I had this dark cloud over me for years. Even when I was happy, I was always afraid of the darkness overtaking the light at any moment. I was never safe from it. But I feel like I am finally free from it. It may well be that I have finally learned some coping skills. I guess (almost) being a grown up isn't so bad.
I made a list of "goals" last year, and so far I have done most of them quite well. I maintained my 4.0. And I got a new job (actually multiple new jobs) that were better than I could have imagined. I also have a much better social life, and I am way more confident. So next up: being healthy. I joined WW today, even though I probably won't really start on it until after the new year. And I am going to start going to the gym more consistently, even though I hate it.
I'm also thinking of finally getting some braces, and facing my fear of contacts. And maybe updating my look. I mean...what the hell? Eric said I look the same as I did in...kindergarten! lol.
In addition, I would love to start doing more volunteer/community development work. I did quite a bit of volunteering in my late teens and early twenties but I haven't really felt like I was able to for the last few years or so. I don't have a lot of time right now...but maybe I can try to fit it in. At least until I get my fourth job in the fall. (I am seriously considering a fouth job...but it's at U of M, and that was always one of my dreams, wasn't it? And I am starting to believe that dreams really do come true, with a heck of a lot of effort.)
And I think moving out with Angela is a great idea. Now if only if I could convince my bff into moving back here everything would be the epitome of awesome. But.... I guess we can't have everything.